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Is she having a laugh or what?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Duke of York, Aug 19, 2015.

  1. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    My sweetheart has just given the cat to me to hold and stroke while she goes off to find medication and a cotton bud to tend to something she reckons might give him grief in his ears.

    I've watched one or two programmes where vets treat dangerous animals, but they always start off by shooting a tranquilizer dart into the beast before fiddling about with them. She ain't said nuffink about that yet and if she turns up with a dart gun in a minute, I wont be holding the cat for long.

    I took her to the fair once and she's have one prize if she'd managed to hit the target in front of her. As it happens, the girl next to her went off with it.

    So here am I building a relationship with our car. He's purring and doing that weird treading thing that cats do when they're content, but how long is that gonna that last when she turns up with the ointment to work into his ears?

    I bet you any money you like she won't have treatment for lacerations if the cat decides to scarper once she starts.
  2. rosievoice

    rosievoice Star commenter

    Wrap him snugly in a towel and don't let go until his ears are treated.

    Apply TCP and plasters to your lacerations, then clean up your blood spatters. Marvel at the blood loss whilst keeping a close eye on the (by now) murderous cat. Expect acts of revenge.
  3. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    She's gone off you, mate. Next thing you know you'll be getting lettuce sandwiches in your packed lunch and hear mutterings of, "Just popping off to the knitting circle's monthly seminar on Women's Liberation."
  4. jacob

    jacob Lead commenter

    The programme about Jaguars raised and released to the wild last night showed one of the released cats come back to its "dad" and let him look at a load of nasty lacerations it had got from a fight with Peccaries. It was unflinching and only jumped a bit when they squirted some antiseptic spray on the cuts. It could have killed and eaten the humans in a heartbeat.

    Yours is a pussycat.
  5. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter


    I don't think jacob can ever have had a domestic feline. They are the spawn of the devil when it comes to veterinary care. How to tell when someone doesn't like you? They ask you to medicate the cat.
  6. sabrinakat

    sabrinakat Star commenter

    We have two elderly cats - one is diabetic and needs injections, she's actually ok with it, but the other cat goes into fluffy tail syndrome with psychotic craziness if any attempt to give any medicine....sigh
  7. primarycat

    primarycat Star commenter

    Cats being made to tolerate (I use the word very loosely, you understand) anything they don't want usually leads to blood loss for those involved.

    I have the bath routine down to a fine art for our grumpy and fluffy monster, who occasionally gets so mucky it is necessary. I still at least ooze from the odd scratch, even though it used to be far worse!

    I was deeply relived that the pain killers, given as drops by mouth, she was prescribed when she had an abscessed bite were apparently the equivalent of crack cocaine for cats. She came trotting up to suck it from the syringe!
  8. cinnamonsquare

    cinnamonsquare Occasional commenter

    <td> </td>

    How to give a cat a pill:

    Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat&rsquo;s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut

    for a count of ten.

    Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of

    wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold

    front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get


    spouse to hold head firmly with one hand wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat&rsquo;s throat vigorously.

    Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep ***- tered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

    Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse&rsquo;s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


    Retrieve cat from neighbor&rsquo;s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    Tie the little @!!@#@#$%&rsquo;s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How to give a dog a pill:

    1. Wrap it in cheese.

  9. cinnamonsquare

    cinnamonsquare Occasional commenter

    Copied and pasted from somewhere on t'internet
  10. cinnamonsquare

    cinnamonsquare Occasional commenter

    Which is why formatting is ****. Also TES forum is ****, hence formatting is ****.
  11. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    On a different matter, I watched the cat climb into the tumble dryer a short while ago. He had a good look around it, then settled himself down for the ride. He poked his head out a few times as if to ask when's it all going to happen then and finally, with a look of disgust, he stepped out of it.

    Our new pup on the other hand is living up to his breed as a terrierist and is the bane of my life. When it's not under my feet or tugging the headphones off my ears, or chasing the cat, or being chased by the cat, it spoils the enjoyment of a fag, since the second my sweetheart hears the Velcro on my boots go "schnish", she asks if I can take the dog outside with me to have a wee and a poo.

    I challenge anyone to try and light a fag with a pup on a lead tugging away with either the hand that holds the lighter or the one that shields the flame from the wind.

    For me, the sole purpose of smoking has been to have time out for myself. It's an opportunity to gather my thoughts when I feel the need to. My last dog not only knew this, but would keep an eye out for women who looked like they needed a light or the borrow of a fag. She was brilliant in that respect.

    This pup has got a lot to learn.
  12. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    My wife enjoyed angling. For the same reasons. Peace and quiet and have a smoke.

    She didn't use it as a pulling opportunity. But she didn't need to. She's never been short of suitors. (Nor I imagine is DoY!)

    Good luck with pup. Terrierist!!!!


    Please write an autobiography or, at the least, a short memoir. If you have time between your job and (er) appreciation of the female of the species.
  13. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    We took the pup to dog school this evening It was run by a horsey woman with a stridulous, yet commanding voice that the dogs seemed to respond to. If she thinks I'm going to talk to the dog like that just so he can can get a certificate for his CV, she's got another think coming.

    All the same, she seemed to know her stuff and was marvelous with the dogs. Typically she'd explain that dogs who pull are eager to get somewhere, so to stop a dog pulling you stand still so they cant. "Here's how it done" she'd say, grab someone's dog and walk off with it, hesitating now and again until the dog gave up pulling then gave it a treat. in a matter of seconds the dog would walk by her side perfectly. "Now you try" she'd say to the owner. The owner would try and the dog would carry on pulling this way and that, circling the owner to wrap the lead round the owner's legs and so on.

    One thing she said works very well when training dogs is to use a clicker, which gets clicked the moment the dog does what it's been asked so its attention gets drawn to something it did in response to the command. When this get reinforced over time, the dog hears the click and does the trick in response to the command. So she handed out clickers to everyone and told us to try them. The net result of course was that people were giving commands and clicking away randomly so none of the dogs knew exactly which behaviour their attention should be drawn to.

    They flogged the clickers for a couple of quid each, but they were the sort of thing you'd find in a Christmas cracker. I might try it out on my sweetheart to see if it works any better that snapping my fingers when I want her to fetch me a beer.

    Dogs got homework to do before next week which they'll be tested on and marked on, so I expect it's a proper school.
  14. Spiritwalkerness

    Spiritwalkerness Star commenter

    Clickers huh? They use/used to use them in Canadian schools
  15. blazer

    blazer Star commenter

    Teach the pup to smoke so you can enjoy the time together. After a bit it won't have the breath for a walk! Is it a beagle by any chance?
  16. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Forget the clicker. They work when used properly but it's just a faff. You can use voice, hand signals, treats.

    You need a strong wrist for the manoeuvre you describe. Slip your hand through the loop in the lead and wind it round a bit. Then you have two hands for lighting-up. Brace yourself against pulling by the pup. OR wrap the lead round a lamp-post or bench while you attend to your fag.

    Finger snaps, huh? You're lucky you've got a gob to stick the fag in! She should've smacked you one!

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