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Is it worth it?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by dogcat, Nov 23, 2010.

  1. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Been having issues with a close friend for a while now, and keep being the one to apologise and make contact. Another of her close friends has also decided to see her as more of an acquaintice than friend.
    I just keep thinking is it worth keeping crappy friends just so you have some? We are a group of friends, so if I distance myself from her it will affect the rest of the group. I am leaving my home town in a few weeks and will have 3 of the group at my leaving do.
    Just feel like what is the point, is her birthday soon and I spoke to her and said i'm not sure it's a good idea to go. We are just very different in a lot of ways and as I've got older I've realised it more. But if I don't go then she will give 'her version' to the group and I'll look like the bad guy for not going.
    Maybe I expect too much, but I think that friends should check how you are every now and then, suggest meeting up etc. Currently there are only 2 people I can think of that do that. Feel like with most people it is always me making the contact and trying to organise meets.
    Part of me thinks I should just move and forget the people here. But then I won't even have aquaintances let alone friends, except for my one friend who lives near where I'm moving to.
    So when is a friend not a friend and should you ever just cut people out and risk being a friendless wonder?!
     
  2. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Been having issues with a close friend for a while now, and keep being the one to apologise and make contact. Another of her close friends has also decided to see her as more of an acquaintice than friend.
    I just keep thinking is it worth keeping crappy friends just so you have some? We are a group of friends, so if I distance myself from her it will affect the rest of the group. I am leaving my home town in a few weeks and will have 3 of the group at my leaving do.
    Just feel like what is the point, is her birthday soon and I spoke to her and said i'm not sure it's a good idea to go. We are just very different in a lot of ways and as I've got older I've realised it more. But if I don't go then she will give 'her version' to the group and I'll look like the bad guy for not going.
    Maybe I expect too much, but I think that friends should check how you are every now and then, suggest meeting up etc. Currently there are only 2 people I can think of that do that. Feel like with most people it is always me making the contact and trying to organise meets.
    Part of me thinks I should just move and forget the people here. But then I won't even have aquaintances let alone friends, except for my one friend who lives near where I'm moving to.
    So when is a friend not a friend and should you ever just cut people out and risk being a friendless wonder?!
     
  3. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    If you do, it's far kinder and more grown up (IMO) to let them know why you do not wish to have contact with them any more.
    There is really nothing worse than being left hanging wondering what you said/did wrong. I've had it done to me and it made me feel like like rubbish.

     
  4. I agree with manashee - it's a tricky one, though. Normally I'd say yes, explain and move on but if that affects your relationship with other friends it might be worth trying just to keep things civil? [​IMG]
     
  5. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Yeah will always keep it civil, and she knows why there are issues. Just feel like i have no friends at the mo.
     
  6. Poor you, that's a rotten feeling ... Is it actually true or do you think you're on a downer? x
     
  7. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    It's probablt pretty true! I cancelled my leaving do cus 2/5 people wouldn't make it, only 3 people said it was a shame and wanted to do something. So I'm doing something with those 3.
     
  8. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Just wish I had a close knit friendship group like most people have. Or if that then a really good close friend. I'm sure I'll make friends when I move, but I think they'll find it weird that I don't really have any of my own!
     
  9. Take it as it arrives.
    Some friendships have a short lifespan others go on forever.

     
  10. Aww dogcat - if it helps I don't have a close knit friendship group - my friends are far and wide and sometimes dwindle then go up again, I've had close friendships that have ended gently when we've just grown apart, I've had acquaintances turn into close friends ... I think it's just the ebb and flow of life, and I like that saying as friendships are like a beach, sometimes stormy, sometimes calm, but I like to think of gentle waves lapping at the shore bringing in new things and washing away the debris.
    You'll be all right. x
     
  11. I dont have any close friends, Ive managed to lose them along the way. Not because I'm an antisocial brat, but because of meeting Mr Right, training to be a teacher and bringing the kids up I no longer have the contacts I used to have.
    I do have a twin sis and partner who I am close to, so am lucky in that way.


    I was thinking the other day that if I got married who the hell would I invite?! But I dont feel im lacking, I dont have the energy and have a good work buddy, so it makes life less hassle.

    Seems like you make them easily, so be prepared for a new lot :)
     
  12. landaise

    landaise Occasional commenter

    I'd echo what's just been said. I've lost my friends along the way and I don't even have contact with my siblings any more: we live a long way apart and I haven't seen them in years. My husband is my best friend and, if I'm honest, I have no friends as such now, just neighbours.
     
  13. Richie Millions

    Richie Millions New commenter

    Risking the wrath of womanhood. Is this situation particular to groups of females who seem to think being a friend requires some sort of commitment. Where a man's mates are just there and if they deliver or not is fairly inconsequential?
     
  14. landaise

    landaise Occasional commenter

    Maybe it's because most women think a friend is someone you can count on, not a ' mate.' Must be part of the nurturing instinct. '
     
  15. Richie Millions

    Richie Millions New commenter

    Yep Venus & Mars I guess
     
  16. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Interesting point Richie. I think I'm a tad sensitive sometimes, I think that I expect a bit much from people. Would be a lot easier if I was just happy go lucky and didn't expect support etc from friends and just fun!
    I do have a bf, who I'm moving in with when I move. Just hoping I make some new friends, or if I ever get married (which I doubt) I'll have no one to invite.
    I just think that maybe I waste time bothering with people who do not bother with me!
     
  17. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    Don't be daft, of course you'll make new friends! [​IMG]
     
  18. It's actually an effort to keep in contact with friends, especially as you get older. It sounds to me as though you know this, but your friends-who-are-dwindling don't seem to 'get' that. It's a shame, because that's often how friendships bite the dust. There's not a huge amount you can do - but if you feel assertive enough you could bring it up...

     
  19. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I have spoken to the one person I'm most bothered about. Her reponse was that she has never made an effort, thing is she sees everyone else in the group at some point except the other person who is not really speaking to her. I always have to contact her, she never contacts me, but she must contact the others to arrange to meet them!
     
  20. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Well nearly a year later and still in the same boat. See people from my home town about once a month, and still rarely here from most of them. Went on holiday with two of them in summer which was nice, and have seen one of those two a fair bit over summer as she was going through a pretty tough break up.
    Came down on Friday night, after an invite from one of them that I speak to a little bit more than the others. Wish I hadn't bothered, had a horrible night of feeling pretty much left out got upset twice and also got pretty drunk and don't remember bits of the evening.
    Had a conversation with the girl I mentioned on here last time, to no real avail. I told her I had been told that she didn't give a 'sh**' about the friendship she said she knew that had been said to me but didn't see any point in contacting me to correct it despite it not being what she actually said.
    I tried to ring two of them yesterday, no answer and no contact back. Now feel like I am a social leper and and absolute idiot driving all this way after a very long week at work to have it made very clear to me that no one is actually bothered.
     

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