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Imprisoned by my own values?!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by nosandals, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    This might sound a strange suggestion, nosandals, but have you ever considered signing up for a counselling course?
    found that I learned a lot about myself and what made me happy when I
    did that...and you meet people along the way and find yourself united
    by a common interest.

    I think those who say you've
    always been in a role have made a good point. You say you "lost
    yourself", but did you ever have the opportunity to "find yourself" in
    the first place?

    I find it interesting that you say your
    husband loves you and treats you well. Does his unwillingness to allow
    you other relationships and hobbies, and the withdrawal and sulking if
    you assert your own needs really demonstrate love or good treatment?

    I think your happiness and your own needs/ well being are important enough to fight for.

    Good luck.
  2. Nosandals, you made an interesting, honest and touching post.
    I don't know if this applies to anyone else on here but I personally feel that I have altered so much since university and the person I was at school doesn't really exist. When I look back I can remember what I did and who I did them with, but only vaguely, but how I felt and how I responded to things is so incredibly different that I no longer feel 'she' exists.
    I am only in touch with a handful of people from 'those days' and every now and then when we meet up they will inevitably bring up "hilarious" things that happened at school/university and every time they do, I get a shock as how the "old" me behaved and responded is so different to the "new" me. Not that I did anything wrong exactly but it just isn't how I'd do it now, if I could have my time over. But then when I really think about it, I realise most of the things are just surface changes. I have grown into my personality and into my life the way you grow into shoes. I am VERY different to how I was at 15, 14 and so on but then that's because now I have that space and confidence to grow in.
    If I could have my time over I would not have married my husband, but I did and you did and only you know if you do want to stay with him. It sort of sounds to me as if you don't want to leave him but that you wish you hadn't married him either and I really do understand that. I know that's no help though!
  3. I'm going to go against the grain here. there's an awful lot of partner bashing that goes on these forums. It seems that our husbands are to blame for the fact that we haven't turned into pert breasted yummy mummies with wasp waists rather than waspish tongues, juggling children work and social engagements with aplomb. Whipping up souffles while practising the Italian phrases we will need for our upcoming painting course in Tuscany.
    Not true. I would have turned into a dullard, who spends nights in eating crisps over the laptop and gets excited over the X factor no matter who I married.
    It's actually a good life really.

  4. That's a fair comment and definitely applies to me as well, however if the man you married and in fact all the men you have ever known have been selfish abusive w ankers who only put themselves first and you feel a sense of overwhelming relief when they are not in your presence for an hour or so then something isn't right, is it!
  5. It could help, although whilst I'm very good at giving advice to others, I always feel a bit of a fraud because actually I'm more of a basket case than they are! It would be a good way of meeting other adults and hopefully they would be the more thoughtful kind.
    It's the best treatment I've had from anyone apart from 1 other boyfriend when I was 17. So I feel that I owe him for that, and I feel guilty when I try to face up to the fact that this might not be enough because of the drawbacks that come with it.
  6. Thanks, rememberme.
    Yes, that's just how I feel! If I hadn't got pregnant, there's NO WAY I'd have married him. But, as I DID get pregnant, I don't regret marrying him. I know I did the right thing in the circumstances. It's living with it that's sometimes hard and knowing I did the right thing isn't always enough consolation. 15 years is a long time!
  7. That's so tricky.
    Do you feel you have a good life, ns but that if you could have done it over it could have been ... SOmetimes I feel sad at the times I have crappy memories of as I feel they should be good memories, if you follow.
  8. I AM a pert breasted yummy mummy, lol! Stop assuming I'm a crisp eating dullard too! I hate X factor, btw.
    Seriously, though, I don't think I am 'partner bashing'. Credit where credit is due, as I said before, Mr N is caring and considerate and helpful and does his share...it's just that there's an unspoken contract about it all that I can't always live with.
  9. It's a generalisation.
    You just need to start moving the boundaries and doing what you want to do.
    Try it. See what happens.
  10. I feel I have a satisfactory life (like ofsted, is this enough?!? [​IMG])
    I wish it didn't involve so much compromise. I wish I could have actually fallen in love and had them love me back. I wish I didn't have to lie to Mr N when I say I love him...I do, but it's a love born of him being the father of my children and of him not clearing off like my dad did! I feel terrible that that is so, and think it's unfair on him too.
    But it's all such an awful, tangled up mess, that I need to take the advice offered on here, and SLOWLY make small changes.
  11. I will...partly because it's good advice, and partly because I'm just a teensy weensy bit scared of you, buntycat!
  12. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    the thing is we cant change the past......whats happened ther makes us what we are here and so we have to accept what we are and the situation we find ourself in
    yet we dont have to remain there.......we can take action, but it is hard and so many folks(including myslf) procrastinate and so do nothing
    To progress you need to assess and then decide what you want,be it better or worse and then do.
    I hope you have the courgae to change what you need to change, and the sense to leave alone what doesnt need changing!
  13. For what it's worth NS I think we all want that romantic love and I'm positive you are not alone when you say you feel as if you lie when you say you love your husband. I don't know if that helps, but so many books and films seem to centre around that magical moment when you meet someone and then it's either a happy ending or it isn't, but for many of us there's neither a happy ending or even an ending, just what seems like an aimless drifting.
    I think your plan sounds like a good one. I also think you could do worse than share some of this with your husband, not all obviously, but certainly the parts about wanting to change and wanting to introduce new things into your life. I don't know what your interests are, maybe you'd like to get a pet or learn to ride or ski or fly - whatever! (does your husband work now?) but your lonliness won't go away until you share some of this xx
  14. That reminds me of a prayer I had on my wall when I was little. It always made me hope I'd have 'the wisdom to know the difference'.
    Everyone's suggestions are just what I need, because they are encouraging me to change the things I can change. It's just me now that needs to be wise enough to know what isn't worth changing. I'm certainly not going to ask Mr N for a divorce, but may start to go out once a week to an evening class or even just to a pub (last time I was in one of those was...I can't actually remember, lol!), and also have a look at the counselling and developing creativity suggestions people made. If he wants to kick up a fuss, let him. It will be his issue, not mine. [​IMG]
  15. Don't be scared! but I have to say I am just as bad in real life! Right up me own ar.se and bossy to boot!
  16. rememberme, because I've never seen a healthy relationship, it's nice to know that mine isn't so far from the norm!
    Mr N works full time now in a fairly low paid job. We have loads of debt from past struggles (had to put things like school shoes for the kids on credit cards for many years). Thus whatever I choose to do will have to be quite cheap. I have a gym membership that I never use, so will try to go there more, although that's quite lonely. I am also going to try and make some friends who I can go out with. They will have to be female, though, or Mr N will hit the roof! It'll be an interesting experience to see what he makes of it.
  17. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    never mind bunty...its said that god love syou..even in you up your ar se mode lol
  18. I'm running away right now!
  19. Eureka!

    Eureka! Lead commenter

    I think NS, you should try to take mr NS on this journey you are embarking upon, at least to some extent. Regard it as a challenge?
  20. Eureka!

    Eureka! Lead commenter

    I was thinking more of the 'journey' in the abstract. The need to 'travel' as it were. I think you should be upfront that change and growth are in the air, and that he might like to experience the feeling of breathing it in. That sort of thing ...

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