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Imprisoned by my own values?!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by nosandals, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. Are you saying that the only way that your children can have a Father is if their Mother is unhappy

  2. Definitely I was at the start. But by putting up with it, it's become accepted that there are certain boundaries I would not dream of overstepping. He doesn't verbally or physically protest when I get near the boundary, but just becomes sullen and moody and denies there's anything wrong. Because I rely on him as the only other adult input I have, I pull back from ever bringing this behaviour on.
    So our life together looks and seems good. We get along, we have a laugh, he helps around the house, I pay the bills, it's all give and take. Except, it's not, because there's this unspoken 'deal' in the background.

  3. I'm not obviously unhappy. So it doesn't affect/effect damn it can't think which one!? them.
  4. I will do that, thank you. Pobble.
  5. Never underestimate the subliminal messages/tensions that children can pick up on.
  6. I will do that too, thank you JRT...and let you all know how I get on!
  7. You're passive, like your mum was before you. You will be teaching your kids to do the same thing, unless you change.
    Your husband gets sullen and moody when you do something outside of his orbit. Other people on here will call it "emotional blackmail", but it's only blackmail if you pay the bloody ransom.
    Just do it. Go off and do your own thing when and where you want.
    While you continue to blame him for your problems, you don't actually have to do anything about them yourself, do you?
  8. In my experience I think (most?) women lose a lot of themselves and sacrifice many of their ideals when they marry and become mothers. We seem to have this in-built "I must do the right thing for others" gene - and we do put our lives on hold to an extent. We work, we contribute, keep the home fires burning, nurture kids and generally become work-horses. Some of us have supportive and helpful partners, many of us don't. I didn't have someone who made sure I had time to be me, although strangely, he could always switch out of husband mode on his numerous trips out to the pub etc. Of course I had time away from the home too, but isn't there always that niggling worry that you have to get back, because a, b, and c, won't happen unless you do?
    Was there TIME for much more, I used to ask myself! :)
    I think we lose our identity slightly along the way.
    I am not sure if that's any consolation but it's only now that I am divorced and my kids are young adults and reasonably independent that I feel free to be me, if you know what I mean?
    Other women might not have experienced this, but I did...and in truth felt quite resentful at times that if I were to behave selfishly and follow just one or two of my hearts desires, I'd rock the boat for my family! Daft, isn't it? Why do we set ourselves up as 'rocks' and why do we have such a strong sense of duty?
    If the above helps you at all nosandals, I am glad. I'd say plod on for a few more years and you might find that you do gain more time to be you when the kids need you less. (IMO you'll have to work on that possessive husband of yours though. New ground rules?)
  9. That is VERY true! But I'm not as bad as her, I promise! She was emotionally unavailable for the whole of my childhood. I'm not. I'm a very giving mum. I make sure my kids know I love em and I give loads of hugs and praise. I am very hard on myself when I let my kids down. Just don't seem to be able to stand up for myself.
  10. Yes, I agree. Maybe I will start pushing things a bit more - find some friends and have some nights out? Mr N never wants to go anywhere, so I'll find some female company who does!

  11. You don't have to make a stand, just do it.
  12. Ouch!
    But correct.
  13. I really do recommend you go slowly. Edge forward out of your unhappiness. Small steps are easy to make - and gradually they add up to a giant leap.
    I am currently doing the Artist's Way for the second time. The first time round I discovered many things about myself and changed lots of little things. Then I hit a dip again and 5 weeks ago thought - sod it, just do it again and see what happens. I am finding out different things this time round - and I am able to include my partner in the process.
    I also found 'Women who love too much' very helpful.

    Good luck - hope you find contentment
  14. No advice, some observations, though, a s I promised to reply!
    I think life rarely follows the pattern we kind of think it will. yours deviated from the pattern when you were quite young, and that probably makes it harder to make changes.
    The only person stopping you from doing what you want is you. if your husband doesn't like it, it is his problem.
    Life is never black and white, and the older I get the more I realise that what goes on behind closed doors is not as happy as some people would have you believe. Much of life is difficult and mundane.
    You only have one go at it, and whilst I know it is hard there is only one person who can make the changes you would like to make. I suppose you need to decide whether those changes are worth the hassle or not.
    I don't feel as if any of that helps, sorry, but I wish you well.

  15. That's true, gorgybaby. A lot of life is mundane.
    That does not mean it lacks vlaue.
    Maybe nosnadals needs to decide why she is feeling a lack of fulfillment. It is truly because her old man is holding her back, or because she has realised that she has slipped into middle aged mediocrity?
  16. You're right there. Problem is, I deny there's a problem, then I get exhausted and everything comes to a head, and then I start thinking "divorce, divorce!" instead of doing small things that, as you say, can add up to what I really need to do.
    I will let you know what my small steps are as I make em! [​IMG]

  17. It did help, thank you. [​IMG]

  18. Well, I'm only 34, so not SO middle aged!
    I've been feeling like this for 15 years, and I definitely wasn't middle aged at the start, either!
    No, I think you're wrong with that one, buntycat, although you've been incisive until now, so thank you.
  19. A propos of nothing except your age, really! I was 34 when my husband decided he didn't want to be married to me any more. I didn't know who I was any more. I had to give up a large confortable house for a tiny rented uncomfortable place. Love had gone many years before, not that it had ever been there, really. I picked myself up, dusted mysefl down and made another life. Some aspects of this life would be shocking to some, things have not turned out as I thought. But I am very happy in my relationship, and financially secure and completely independent, and have a good job. I realise that, not having children, the main difficulty in making changes was not there. But to whatever extent, it can be done. Perhaps the best thing is to really be honest about everything that is not right, and tackle what can be done easily. Hobbies, probably? Friends can be overrated in my opinion. People who have lots of friends often mean aquaintances, people they go to the pub with, not what I could call friends. And here endeth the current stream of consciousness!
  20. Yes, children make it all much more complicated.
    I know what you mean about friends. I like mine to be PROPER! Thus I have few.

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