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I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just somewhere to put everything down on 'paper'...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by GobbyLittleMare, Apr 14, 2011.

  1. I've been with my husband for nine years - we've been married for two. In the past 9 years my husband has cheated on me with six different women - affairs ranging from one-night-stands to 6 month relationships where he (in his words) fell in love with the woman and had trouble getting over her.

    He is also works for a youth organisation which takes up all his time - a minimum of two nights a week plus some weekends (an average of 1.5 a month).

    When I try to initiate sex, he turns me down.

    He flirts with women via text-message - although he claims that asking them what colour underwear they're wearing is perfectly innocent fun.

    I know (know know know know) that he will cheat on me again, one day. Whether it's tomorrow or twenty years from now.

    We have no children.

    But I am having an affair. No, I am in love with another man. We are in love. He is sweet, kind, thoughtful, unassuming, responsible, sensible, clever, funny, protective and adores me, and I worship the ground he walks on.

    The only reasons I'm even thinking of staying with my husband are that 1) He would be upset if I left. He's seen a counsellor before for depression and I don't want to cause him serious damage. And 2) I don't want people to think badly of me for quitting on my marriage.

    Neither of these reasons involve 'I love my husband'.

    We've been together since I was 17 - I've never known anything else. I think we love each other out of habit and comfort, not love.

    So, my question is, am I just looking for excuses to have what I want (i.e. the man I'm cheating with) or am I right in thinking that, even without this man, my marriage is not my future?
     
  2. I've been with my husband for nine years - we've been married for two. In the past 9 years my husband has cheated on me with six different women - affairs ranging from one-night-stands to 6 month relationships where he (in his words) fell in love with the woman and had trouble getting over her.

    He is also works for a youth organisation which takes up all his time - a minimum of two nights a week plus some weekends (an average of 1.5 a month).

    When I try to initiate sex, he turns me down.

    He flirts with women via text-message - although he claims that asking them what colour underwear they're wearing is perfectly innocent fun.

    I know (know know know know) that he will cheat on me again, one day. Whether it's tomorrow or twenty years from now.

    We have no children.

    But I am having an affair. No, I am in love with another man. We are in love. He is sweet, kind, thoughtful, unassuming, responsible, sensible, clever, funny, protective and adores me, and I worship the ground he walks on.

    The only reasons I'm even thinking of staying with my husband are that 1) He would be upset if I left. He's seen a counsellor before for depression and I don't want to cause him serious damage. And 2) I don't want people to think badly of me for quitting on my marriage.

    Neither of these reasons involve 'I love my husband'.

    We've been together since I was 17 - I've never known anything else. I think we love each other out of habit and comfort, not love.

    So, my question is, am I just looking for excuses to have what I want (i.e. the man I'm cheating with) or am I right in thinking that, even without this man, my marriage is not my future?
     
  3. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    I really have no idea why somebody would stay with a man who behaves like that. 'He would be upset' - tough! Kind of a shame you didnt leave before meeting the new man but too late for that now. Either way your husband doesn't sound like a keeper although you have obviously put up with this for a long time already.
     
  4. check ur inbox
     
  5. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    Dear God. You are not in a marriage, so why cling to a meaningless title?
     
  6. Quite simply, a man who cheats on you (especially repeatedly!) DOES NOT LOVE YOU!
    He has treated you like ****, frankly. Why do you let him? Get rid of him and who cares if he's a bit upset?

    As for real friends and family, they will notice how happy you are and will come around. It is OK to leave a marriage when you're married to a ***!


     
  7. What's to even think about? You aren't responsible for your husband's behaviour or his emotions. Of course he would be upset - he's been getting away with it for years with absolutely no comeback so he won't be expecting any. Maybe the reason you are having an affair is because your marriage is so lacking?
    You are worth more than a husband who cheats. You are worth more than being a secret affair. Get out.
     
  8. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Got the message yet? Save yourself. Get out. What a sham. What a useless waste of life, love and energy. If you hadn't accrued so many posts to your username I would immediately have assumed you were a troll on a social work inclination, sniff out.
     
  9. I hope you had a full sex check every time he cheated on you. Especially now you are with someone else as well!
     
  10. That thudding nose you hear is me banging my head on the desk.
     
  11. That noise is me as well.
     
  12. So what?
    Did he think about whether you would be upset about his affairs and one-night stands?
    Sorry - I would have left him aaaaaaaaaaages ago.
    Whether anything will come of your own affair is by-the-by, to be honest.
    Either way, your marriage is not making you happy, is it?

     
  13. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    So to recap, both parties in this relationship are cheating/have cheated on the other, without any obvious signs of remorse/regret and with no indication that either party is going to stop cheating.
    Seems like a no-brainer to me
     
  14. pinkflipflop - don't worry, I had the same thought (each and every time) - not an issue.

    Thank you for your advice everybody. I don't know why, but I think I needed permission from other people. I just assumed that the problems in my marriage were my fault; that I wasn't trying hard enough, or that I was giving up too quickly. I was expecting people to yell at me that marriage was too important and sacred to just give up on.
     
  15. I think you can answer this yourself, can't you?
    What kind of future are you envisaging?
    Both of you having affairs?
     
  16. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    Your husband gave up on your marriage ages ago. Your happiness is more important than a piece of paper. Go for the opportunity to be cherished and to be happy.
     
  17. Celticqueen - I think what I envisaged was me giving up the other man and having another crack at my marriage...until he cheats again and I finally leave him and end up alone.

    Yeah - I see your point.
     
  18. It hasn't been important and sacred to him, has it?
    Personally, I don't consider it a marriage at all! Just two people who happen to have tied the knot and have a piece of paper to show for it.
     
  19. Stop thinking "end up alone". Being single is not the end of the world, nor does it have to be permanent! You were 17 when you met him - you have had no chance to really find out that being single can actually be enjoyable sometimes!
    You don't have to continue your affair - it may fizzle out anyway, especially if you move on to "relationship" rather than "affair" and find you actually have little in common or that the excitement of illicitness is gone.
    But you are certainly not going to find fulfillment in this thing you call a marriage.
     
  20. Do you think that finding this other man has just made me see something I really really ought to have seen all along?
    And whilst I'm sure this is 1) by-the-by and 2) naive-sounding - I just wanted to state for the record that the other man and I are so incredibly well-suited. Sex wasn't even involved for months. We have so much in common - more than I ever thought possible. He understands me so completely, never judges me and always lets me be myself.
    Buuuut, having said that, if it doesn't work out, I'm not afraid to be alone.
     

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