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I think my pupil has a crush on me..... :-/

Discussion in 'Primary' started by Milgod, Nov 3, 2011.

  1. Milgod

    Milgod Established commenter

    Or maybe you use like when you actually mean love?
    It is all depending on what your feelings about love like really are.

    It's like when people say 'you don't mean hate, that is such a strong word'. No, actually I do mean hate. I wouldn't use it if I didn't mean it.

    As for the OP, I would see how they are after a couple of weeks. Lots of children like what is new, it might wear off.
  2. Well, I try to distinguish "love" and "like", but there could be times when I reversed their use, ie "I loved that meal", when I merely liked it, or when I wasn't ready to confide "love", I might use the word, "like" but feel love.?

    However, I am dubious that a child could "love" someone, the emotion love, on just meeting them. Sure, later on in life, "Love at first sight", but then I guess I haven't seen everything yet.
  3. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    Well, of course, but that doesn't stop little children using the word love without worrying about such things!
    I wish I had a pound for every child who told me they loved me.
  4. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    And another for every child who sometimes hated me.
  5. Clearly I have missed part of the complete teacher experience, I have had "love from" written on cards, I have had parents tell me their children have "loved being in my class", but never once has a child said such a thing to me (but still rated as a "popular" teacher). Maybe a "man thing" comes into it. I'd feel very uncomfortable if a child said it to me. Once a Y4 told me, "My Mum fancies you." On only a couple of occasions have I been "hated", by miscreant pupils.
  6. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    Ive taughtpretty much all of the children at our school, from nursery class onwards. Someimtes it's been hard to explain to Yr 3 children that I'm no longer the kind aunty I was to them when they were three!

  7. I was only KS2 when permanent, but on supply I have taught KS1. That may give me some difference of experience from permanently KS1. When I supplied these last ten years, sometimes on a KS1 playground, a little hand might slip into mine. That made me feel SO uncomfortable, I quickly found some way of removing it without upsetting the child, like having to deal with an incident elsewhere on the playground. If the same situation had occurred 20-30 years ago, I probably wouldn't have felt so uncomfortable, but in the decades "inappropriate contact" has changed in meaning from what was obviously inappropriate to any physical contact at all.
  8. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    How sad!
    I never feel uncomfortable when a little hand slips into mine, though I've become fairly obsessive about washing my hands when I get home after work!
  9. It's the times

    On some (small) primary school supply days, schools that haven't had a male teacher in decades, you can feel an ethos that despite CRB, some staff expect every male to be a potential paedophile., (Body language, things that are said) Not the bigger schools which have some male staff. You often see (mostly) TAS or dinner supervisors walking around playgrounds arm in arm with kids, it's natural and "maternal", but for a male, it might be, would likely be, viewed as inappropriate or even "grooming", rather than natural and "paternal". Maybe I'm a solitary instance of feeling uncomfortable as a result of a KS1 child taking your hand, but I doubt it. Fortunately at Y5 or Y6 it isn't likely to happen.
  10. Msz

    Msz Established commenter

    Our Y5 & 6 children often hold hands with teaching staff (and shock horror often hug their teacher)
    When former students visit from the comp they are just as likely to show affection as the younger children.

  11. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    My Reception children often tell me they love me. I always try to make a general reply like 'and I love all of you'.
    I am always surprised when male teachers on this forum say they are shunned by female staff. We have four male teachers in our Primary School, including the Nursery teacher, plus visiting SSSEN etc. We have never had that kind of suspicion. It's a shame male teachers are made to feel uncomfortable if a little hand slips into theirs
  12. Our year 5s and 6s would be truly horrified at the idea of holding hands with anyone - let alone their teacher. My daughter doesn't even want to hold my hand much anymore - and she's only eight!
  13. Sounds like a caring school. Can't say I've ever seen a Y5 or Y6 hold hands with a teacher, maybe a dinner supervisor, yes the occasional greeting hug, especially a dinner supervisor/parent. Guess schools will vary, my former HT wouldn't have accepted this, I thought it was general. In my wildest imagination I could not imagine Y5 or Y6 holding hands with male teachers, or it not being considered inappropriate if they did.
  14. minnieminx

    minnieminx New commenter

    Our children are physically fairly demonstrative as well. Lots of them. In a way we encourage them to demonstrate 'appropriate touching' to the younger children and this includes physical affection to adults and each other. I would say year 5/6 boys tend not to hold hands so much but do have 'manly hugs' with the male teachers when they want to. And the younger ones love to hold hands, sit on laps, hug and all kinds. I'm not sure I'd like to be in a school where this wasn't normal.

    This is my second primary and I've taught in two middle schools all of which had similar ideas. But I do think you have to be careful on supply as some schools would definitely frown on such things.
  15. An update to everyone that kindly replied! Today there was more negative attention seeking including talk about suicide (talk, not threats!) and a strange comment about "you're meant to kill me now". The staff don't seem too concerned and say that she often comes out with strange things!! She said it in that kind of embarrassed cheeky way kids have. I logged it anyway and am keeping an eye on her; minnieminx I took your advice and rather than ignore the inappropriate behaviour I told her how impressed I had been when she was working well and that I'd be really happy if she continued - didn't really work as well as I would have liked (a reflection on the child, not on your advice!) but it worked better than the way I was handling it so that's the way forward I think.

    Talking about appropriate contact - I am confused re. how much is too much with physical contact! I've been in Peru and there you treat the children pretty much as they are your own, and there is always physical contact when talking - a rub on the shoulder, cupping the face, etc. I keep finding myself doing this to the children as its such a natural thing to do! I'm waiting to be called in to the headmasters office any minute for inappropriate contact!!
  16. Msz

    Msz Established commenter

    What is inappropriate about a 10 or 11 year old child holding an adults hand?
  17. I don't think it is inherently wrong at all, but I have not seen it in the schools I have worked in full time, or on supply, except with some mumsy TAs usually in the role of dinner supervisors, and KS1 teachers. My recall of the child protection training my agency did the other year, the policy was absolutely "no physical contact", I would regard holding hands as physical contact, hugging too, and certainly I would feel even more uncomfortable if a Y5 or Y6 wanted to hold hands. It strikes me as very strange that there is general professional concern over physical restraint (which Gove is addressing), and physical support in pe is I think now not correct, yet children walk around the school holding hands with teachers. I find the concept weird in contemporary UK. Previous post states it different in Peru, and I think the USA is more open to physical contact and hugging, but I thought the climate was that this was to be discouraged in the UK. I'm sure, never in my career have I seen a male teacher, even permanent, holding hands with a Y5 or Y6, and can't imagine the staff I knew wanting to, it sounds weird to me. Yes KS1 male teachers have lead classes into out of assembly holding a hand, and maybe on a KS1 playground. My career goes back to the 70s, when a lot of things were different, but not holding hands with KS2 kids. Our Y6s once went to a school camp in the 70s and the neighbouring school took in local parentis to the point of kissing the kids good night, thought to be very weird even back then by our lot and our staff. What does child protection policies in school have to say on this matter? I thought it was mostly a "defensive practice", ie it is not in itself wrong but best to avoid potential controversy.
  18. I wouldn't advocate it, but if a Y5-6 child held my hand I wouldn't be that bothered. I once worked with a very huggy boy who had severe dyslexia, he was in year 6. It did get on my nerves a little bit, not because he was 11, but because I'm not a very huggy person. That said I also get hugs after we've won a football match... it's a normal response, nothing strange about it. I can't imagine myself holding hands though, it's too long contact and I'd have to break free. I don't even like KS1 pupils holding my hands, I'd much prefer a quick hug.
  19. nick909

    nick909 Star commenter

    I don't think any teachers hug children at our school, regardless of gender or age of children.
    I think it's a boundary thing - there's nothing wrong with children hugging adults per se, but I think there's a boundary/status issue with teachers that should remain in place. Of course, if a child is upset then a reassuring or comforting cuddle is fine, but to for a teacher to routinely hug and hold hands with children is a little strange, I feel. Certainly not comfortable for me, anyway.
    It doesn't mean we don't care for them, I'd add.
  20. rach1968

    rach1968 New commenter

    This 'non-contact' debate has come up before on here. It's always difficult as some people are more touchy feely than others - adults and children. I have said before that I almost treat the children I teach as if they are my own -and I say almost. I would give them a quick hug if they initiated it, a pat on the back or hold a hand if asked. I would never kiss (obviously) or give an extended (?) hug or cuddle as I think that is drifting into a grey area. We are with these children for 6 and a half hrs a day, 35 weeks of the year - a little human contact is not difficult to offer in my opinion. I do, however, understand how it might be slightly different for a male teacher - no matter how sexist that sounds. In my experience it is very unusual for a Year 6 child to initiate hugs and hand holding - except in very occasional circumstances (on leaving day, or when they are very upset (often hormonal).I know that the Primary school my chidlren went to never ever touched or hugged the children and I found THAT bizarre. I wished when they had been upset that they had been comforted in such a way - as they are at home, but we're all different.

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