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Discussion in 'Personal' started by newlyconfused, Feb 27, 2011.
just the phrasing
It is the natural habitat of the mature predatory female of the species. The 350 engines indicate significant power, aggressive demands, and proper maintenance is not an option.
Not an unconsidered choice.
Perhaps beggering off on your own isn't the best solution to this problem as you'll presumably have a wonderful time and then dropping back into your routine will be even more boring than it is now. How about somehow including him in some spontaneous/planned-but-fun break. Even a weekend doing something different will cast a bit of light on things, particularly if you can get the children taken care of somewhere else. Maybe you could go and stay in a yurt, learn how to make willow baskets, go on a long walking weekend with stays in nice pubs etc.
The problem here that would worry me the most is the lack of 'affection.' That is such a sad problem and one I've been in myself before. I have a friend who has had s e x (not sure if I'm allowed to say that word on tes) about five times in her 12 year marriage and that was to conceive. She's a woman in her early 30s who has had to admit to herself that she won't get to have those experiences again unless she cheats or leaves as her husband is not interested. I am not sure if this problem can be overcome without some help. I know that, for me, this problem would HAVE to be overcome. I see my friend niggling away at her husband and making snidey remarks about it all the time as they have just got way past dealing with it properly and she carries this resentment around with her.
I understand what you're saying but I'm not you need to have sex to experience affection and intimacy. If she's not getting any of those things - and if she feels the need to snipe about it behind his back then I suspect she isn't - then it sounds pretty much doomed.
Is this "doesn't ever want sex" thing quite common nowadays then? Is it possibly a side-effect of fifty years of shoving sex to the front of everything that makes people feel that if they aren't at it like rabbits there must be something wrong?
And that hits the nail on the head doesn't it? This is why people end up feeling trapped This all makes me sound selfish but the problem is I'm actually anything but, which is why I've suddenly found myself feeling like this probably! I'm not resentful and it honestly didn't bother me til now but it's like I've hit a wall. I probably hardly ever do anything just that I want to do without worrying it will rock the boat or he won't like it (for example going out dancing having a few drinks). I am half if the problem clearly as my hatred of confrontation means I take the easy route the whole time and now I've got to the stage ironically where it could be a huge confrontation. :-(
I wonder if perhaps you are not being entirely honest with yourself about your relationship. You say he is a wonderful, kind man. You say you love him. You say it is not about wanting anyone else. You say you are happy in your job. Your say your husband is affectionate. You say you are very good friends. Sounds ideal to me. What is it you don't like. If you simply want some time on your own, want a chance to pursue other interests, want an opportunity to make new friends, what's stopping you. None of that is grounds for divorce!
Could it be that he's been backing off because you were ill ?
Have you attempted talking to him, asking what he wants, how he feels?
How old are the children, perhaps a family break, away from it all but giving hubby and kids the benefit of you as a well person?
Could be just the ticket.
Probably a dumb question but is your partner fully aware of the depression/meds situation?
He knows all about the depression and medication. It wasn't the reason why the physical side stopped as I was always the one trying to instigate - he just isn't interested. He is a nice man and it does sound stupid, I guess I don't know why I feel like this that's why I'm confused! Maybe the physical side is bothering me more now I'm feeling better. We have been on lots of family hols and always have fun but i want more like a backpacking adventure if you know what I mean! As I said he's like my best friend. But that's it. And I do all the looking after, of everyone.
I recommend you do some serious work on yourself that will ultimately benefit all the other people around you, who you love and who love you, because you'llbe a clearer, wiser and happier person.
The 3 books that helped me were;
The Artists Way by Julia Cameron (a 12 week course on re-discovering your creative playful side)
Women who love too much by Robin Norwood (terrible title i know but this book made me realise why I behaved so strangely in my relationship with my husband!)
How to be Idle by Tom Hodgkonson (this book helped me change jobs and get more time for myself).
Hope this helps!
Oooh, if we're recommending books - god for 'Eat, Love, Pray' by Elizabeth Gilbert (I think) It's become a bit of a cliche now as a film has been made of it. It's about a woman who, in her early 30s, had a crisis in her marriage. It's autobiographical and changed the way I thought about myself when I was in a rut. I still read it now if I need a kick up the bum.
Well as we're getting into literature I challenge anyone to read 'The Diving Bell And The Butterfly' then tell me they're having a sh*t time.
well, fair enough - there's heaps we could all do to make our pathetic problems seem really trivial but generally that just adds guilt on to our worries. No matter what problems we all have, no matter how 'small' they might seem in context they all feel horrid at the time and are all valid. And, as it goes, I think that the fear that our relationship might be about to fall apart is a big one.
Your mistake, OP, is to imagine life is all meant to add up to something really, really special and somehow actually mean something. Wrong. You just go along for a while and then someone puts out the lights.
The horror. The horror!
Hi everyone. I typed a reply ages ago but it's either disappeared or the moderation is taking longer than it did earlier in the day. I actually feel a bit better for having had a virtual conversation about it. I've given myself a bit of a talking to and I think a combination of some of your suggestions, talking to him about some of the issues and me pulling myself together are in order. Sometimes when things are just in your head, it all gets a bit much, you know. Thanks to those with helpful suggestions.
So true. It makes me feel better about life in general. All this pressure to be happy and fulfilled all of the time and if you're not then you're obviously doing something dreadfully wrong.
Schopenhauer was right.
It's even worse if the lights go on and you discover you have been buried alive.
( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096163/) (The original version of the Vanishing)
Catford Betty once offered to meet me in a service station, just off the South Circular, with the promise of taking me to a dark,very intimate and cosy candlelit place.
Seriously, to the OP, I haven't really got any advice as the decision can only come from yourself as none of us can put ourselves in your position or your husband's , for that matter, who may well view things with a totally different perspective to you.
The only thing I would say is that if you have been depressed in the past, you may have been pretty high maintenence for your husband at that time but then again I am only speculating as that's all any of us can do. I am not saying that you should stay with him because of that either if you feel you don't want the relationship to continue.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Because you're worth it.
You deserve it.
newlyconfused this is not an okay relationship for you if you have been suffering from stress and depression throughout it.
The two most obvious problems are that the physical side is not good and you have lost your sense of self. These are big problems. I'm sure there are also lots of really good things about your relatioship if this is the first time you've felt the way you feel now.
It seems obvious from here newlyconfused that you two should spend some time at Relate together working on the problem areas. There are many ways these things can be effectively resolved.
If you aren't able to find a solution they you will gradually come to the realisation that it is right for you to separate. The talking you do will help you do this in a way which is respectful of each other and helps you manage this situation in a mature and caring way for your step-children. It will also give you both a reasonable degree of closure on the situation and an understanding of what you would do the same and what you would do differently in future relationships.