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I think I'm having an early mid life crisis please help

Discussion in 'Personal' started by newlyconfused, Feb 27, 2011.

  1. I'm a regular poster who has changed my name as I dont want to be identified
    I really need to hear some opinions - not necessarily advice- or help from people who may have been in a similar situation.
    I am in my early thirties and have been married to a wonderful kind man for a few years. I have step children. I am happy in my job. For the last ten years or so I have had issues with depression and anxiety. Recently, due to a change of medication (not to do with depression) I have been feeling back to my normal self, as I felt when I was 21 and I feel confident and happy in myself. For the last few weeks I have been feeling confused and bored in my current situation. I would love to go travelling or work abroad and have been day dreaming about living alone in a flat of my own! It;s not about wanting anyone else. I love my husband but am starting to wonder whether I am in love with him. He is affectionate but the physical side of our relationship has not been very good for several years- I feel as if we are just very good friends. This did not bother me before but now it does. For the first time I am actually imagining ending it although I feel guilty for even just thinking about it.
    I am not going to make any rash decisions and am genuinely confused as never expected to feel like this. I feel completely torn as it's all I can think about at the moment. I don't think half term has helped as in term time I'm so busy I dont have time to think! I strongly believe in marriage but if I think about spending the next thirty years of my life like this I don't know if I can do it....
    honest opinions please I don't mind people telling me to pull myself together!
     
  2. I'm a regular poster who has changed my name as I dont want to be identified
    I really need to hear some opinions - not necessarily advice- or help from people who may have been in a similar situation.
    I am in my early thirties and have been married to a wonderful kind man for a few years. I have step children. I am happy in my job. For the last ten years or so I have had issues with depression and anxiety. Recently, due to a change of medication (not to do with depression) I have been feeling back to my normal self, as I felt when I was 21 and I feel confident and happy in myself. For the last few weeks I have been feeling confused and bored in my current situation. I would love to go travelling or work abroad and have been day dreaming about living alone in a flat of my own! It;s not about wanting anyone else. I love my husband but am starting to wonder whether I am in love with him. He is affectionate but the physical side of our relationship has not been very good for several years- I feel as if we are just very good friends. This did not bother me before but now it does. For the first time I am actually imagining ending it although I feel guilty for even just thinking about it.
    I am not going to make any rash decisions and am genuinely confused as never expected to feel like this. I feel completely torn as it's all I can think about at the moment. I don't think half term has helped as in term time I'm so busy I dont have time to think! I strongly believe in marriage but if I think about spending the next thirty years of my life like this I don't know if I can do it....
    honest opinions please I don't mind people telling me to pull myself together!
     
  3. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    I'm not going to tell you to pull yourself together, I'm probably not going to post anthing worth reading either but I just want to pose a few questions...
    1. You have step children but no children of your own, is there a medical reason for this or have you chosen not to have any?
    2. You've been married for a few years and you've suffered from anxiety and depression thrughout that period?
    3. You're suddenly feeling confident and happy, so ultimately you felt unhappy and unconfident for all the time you've been with your husband?
    4. You're feeling bored in your current situation, have you said anything to your husband?
    5. The physical side of your relationship hasn't been good, is there a medical reason for this or has it been down to your lack of confidence/ anxiety/ general unhappiness or was it something that your husband began? Again have you told him how you feel?
    6. Do you share the same or similar values to your husband? Do you want similar things from life?

    Something to think about perhaps, certainly not meant in a judgemental fashion.
    Take care x
     
  4. Hi marshypops all excellent questions and thanks for taking the time

    I don't have children of my own and that's a choice we made although I never wanted any anyway

    I have had anxiety and depression throughout the period we have been together but I think that's more of a coincidence than anything exacerbated by medication I was on for something else

    I haven't been unhappy with my husband but maybe I haven't been 'me' or true to myself. I've always had a thing about putting everyone else first other than me

    I haven't said anything to my husband yet as I am not sure how I feel and also I naturally shy away from difficult conversations and I don't want to hurt him. The physical side of our issues were down to him not being interested and it was something I got used to but now I feel differently. We had awkward conversations about it in the early days but nothing ever really got resolved so I just left it.

    We share similar values in many ways but he is not adventurous at all and is a homebody. Now I am feeling differently I would love an adventure and a challenge. He would not be up for travelling for example. Phew!
     
  5. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    If you've not felt strange urges to buy a) leather trousers b) a soft top car c) a Harley Davidson or d) a surfboard it's probably not a mid-life crisis.
    More seriously, if your routine is boring you, tweak your routine to allow yourself a little more independence or a change of direction before you consider changing your partner. As most peoples' routine is significantly made up of their day job, maybe that's what you need to look at first?
    If you want genuine independence, risk, and a sense of self-fulfilment consider setting up your own business (assuming you haven't already). You don't have to break up your family unit to achieve that.
    Just a thought anyway.
     
  6. Oh I imagine you've hit the 'rut'.
    I know what you mean about wanting to leave a happy enough situation to be on your own and do your own thing. I suspect most people feel tied down and trapped at some stage in their lives. I know I did. I still fear being 'shackled' to anyone.
    I can't really help or advise as to what is the best move for you. I imagine most people will say 'hang on in there' - you'll get past this. You may....but you may still hanker to be more of a free spirit.
    I think adjustments have to be made to the situation you are in. Can you arrange to do more things alone - clubs, groups interests etc? Sometimes having a regular few hours away from the family situation is a tonic in itself. It would be a shame to throw out the baby with the bath water, but yes, I do know how you feel.
    My Mum used to sing a song entitled "Don't Fence Me In" and I often find myself humming it....[​IMG]
     
  7. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    ..by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters - you've got me humming it too now ;-)
    I agree about doing more things alone that are yours and yours only - there's nothing wrong with having days/evenings/occasional weekends doing your own thing by yourself.
     
  8. My advice: sack it all off and go travelling. You might find yourself.
     
  9. Thanks everyone it's interesting to have other points of view. I can only apologise for the lack of paragraphs in my second post I did use them but they seem to have disappeared...
     
  10. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    I think you need to talk to him about some of this, you might want to think about how you will say some of these things so as not to hurt him, but you can't continue as you are as I think you will end up feeling resentful.
    Maybe you need to sit down and decide if there is something that you'd like to do and either ask him to make a compromise on your behalf or go and do it on your own (if it's feasible of course).
     
  11. Is this going to come at your husband and step-children like a bolt from the blue?
    You get up one weekend and tell him "I'm not in love with you anymore; I haven't enjoyed sex with you for ages; although I've suffered from depression and anxiety during our relationship, this isn't it; this is me saying I'm sick of putting everyone else first, I'm bored with you, your values, this routine, so I'm off. Bye."
    It hardly seems fair. Personally I'm of the opinion that if this is going to panic him into some flurry of completely alien behaviour just to try and make you happier, it's not worth pursuing. He won't be able to keep up an act forever and it is unfair of you to take him in marriage and then complain because he turned out to be just as he seemed. Was he spontaneous, adventurous, outward-bound type before you married? I'm guessing not since he had the responsibility of children.
    It sounds to me as though you made a mistake in marrying him and the ready-made family. You've backed away from discussing issues as they arise (e.g. his lack of interest in sex) and now they've all built up to a level where a calm rational discussion of them one by one seems unlikely. I suggest if you have any interest in salvaging this marriage - and I suspect you haven't - that you tell him you have been unhappy for some time and that you would like to seek relationship counselling with him. I would be prepared for shock, disappointment and even anger, since even if it did cross his mind that you haven't been singing with joy lately, in the absence of any better information he probably put it down to your intermittent depression.
    And then if that doesn't work, go and find whatever really exciting thing you think is out there waiting for you. I wouldn't base that expectation on anything you may have seen at the cinema recently.
     
  12. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    If this is more than just a passing whim - and i get the impression it is - you need to open up a conversation with him about how you're feeling and how he is feeling too. This may be a long conversation - over months probably, unless your urge to go becomes more urgent. My thought, for what it's worth, is for you to work on it, but who knows what he might say - he may be discontented too despite not showing it. You don't sound as if you have communicated very well in the past but you can't just go without trying to improve the situation. I wonder why the mother of his children left. Good luck - you may not be comfortable opening up this potential can of worms but if you go gently you've got a lot to gain from it.
     
  13. Lily- I appreciate your opinion but I think you've read me wrong or I haven't been clear. All I've said is how I feel and I said I'm not going to do anything, if at all, yet. I was interested in if anyone else has felt the same. I've posted that I love him and wouldn't want to hurt him but at the same time I don't want to stay just like this. I don't think it was a mistake marrying him - at the time I felt differently. We've been together nearly ten years I don't think anyone can predict how they will feel ten years down the line, can they?
     
  14. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    Hmmmm so this man has been kind to you and stuck by you while you were ill and now you feel a bit better you think it might be time to move on ....

    You go girl!
     
  15. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

  16. . Wow I'm obviously not making myself clear. I said I was *confused* that's all! I've also stuck by him through assorted issues it's not like I'm a cow who just took everything and now wants to leave!
     
  17. Harsh
     
  18. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    How do you know ...?
     
  19. That's actually a pretty nice wagon, LM. Not something I'd drive but very nice nevertheless.
     
  20. Cant really offer any advice, but just wanted to ask whether you feel "trapped" by your situation. I think this is quite common. We recently had to take my mum in and she now lives with us. This has caused all sorts of problems - lack of space being one of them. To cut a long story short, we tried to move to a larger property but failed and are now stuck in our old house which is too small. I've also recently lost my job and am having to look for something else, however, because I've become a carer for my mum, I can only commit to a few hours a week. This has meant my choice of jobs is extremely limited and I fear I will never get anything in the way of work again. I have got to the stage where I feel really trapped by my circumstances - there just seems no solution. I often wish I could just get in the car and drive away, never to return. But of course, I never do. I just suck it up and try to make the best of a bad situation. I too have had depression problems in the past and I dont doubt I will be visiting the docs again at some point when I can no longer take any more; I'll be back on the happy clappy tablets.
    All I can say is give it time and see what happens - dont make any rash decisions that you might regret.
     

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