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I should probably post this on personal, but hey ho. Its my mother again.

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by whistle4it, Feb 26, 2011.

  1. OHGODOHGODOHGOD.
    Some of you will know about my relationship with my mum (MIL was stalker nanny while I was pregnant, but she is ok now.)
    My mother lives abroad. She last saw my son at six weeks old. He is now 14 months. We can get on well at times, but I have always been very silly about her...a kind of childish need to please her and get her approval, to the extent that I would fib. How sad. I am very nervous of her. She is a very controlling and manipulative woman. She says many of the right things to my face, but slags me off to my 25 year old sister behind my back.
    This is gonna be a long'un methinks!! So anyway, my OH has been in trouble at school. It is nearly over, and he made a huge error of judgement that, I believe, is forgiveable. I am not taking an easy option here, but it is what I want to do.
    My parents, on the other hand, cannot forgive. Okay, they are entitled to that opinion. My OH is no longer welcome in their home broad, and they will not come here (recent decision, despite lack of visits between then and now!) They are blaming him that they cannot see me or their first grandson. I dont want to go there alone with my son and have his father demonised. I don't want to have to explain to him that Daddy isn't allowed to come.
    In addition, my mum is a real ***. Has always slagged anyone and everything off after they have gone or when she thinks they cant hear. Very much "nan" in Catherine Tate show.
    She has been sending my sister e mails, saying really unpleasant things about me. My sister and I are close. She has told me all the things they say to her as well, and they do it about her too. For example, when I had a GA caesarian and was out cold for hours until I met my own son, the first thing I did when I came to was ring them, to be met with a frosty reception from her. It transpired that she didnt believe my reasons for not ringing, and blamed my OH, saying he didnt want her to know first..he wanted to tell his own mother (which he didnt.) She then spent the week when LO was 6 weeks old being lovely at mine, then going to my sisters and saying my baby was too cold, bored, not being fed properly.
    Mt sister has confronted them over these e mails, and told them I know everything. Mum is now playing the "how could you treat us like this?" card because I wont talk to her. I received a text from her yesterday saying "Please phone straight away." I didnt phone, because I wont be summoned like this.
    I feel threatened and afraid. I love my Dad to bits, but he is under the thumb. I can't take her bitching any more, or her bullying controlling ways. I have only ever given it back to her once, and we didnt speak for a year. My fault, of course. She gets vicious, but then plays the victim.
    Sorry for the rant. I'm fed up with her. Anyone got any advice? I.e, should I send an e mail and lay eveything out on the table? I don't want to phone...I'm too nervous!! I don't know how to deal with her, but I think, as a 32 year old mother now myself, I cannot tolerate this anymore x
     
  2. OHGODOHGODOHGOD.
    Some of you will know about my relationship with my mum (MIL was stalker nanny while I was pregnant, but she is ok now.)
    My mother lives abroad. She last saw my son at six weeks old. He is now 14 months. We can get on well at times, but I have always been very silly about her...a kind of childish need to please her and get her approval, to the extent that I would fib. How sad. I am very nervous of her. She is a very controlling and manipulative woman. She says many of the right things to my face, but slags me off to my 25 year old sister behind my back.
    This is gonna be a long'un methinks!! So anyway, my OH has been in trouble at school. It is nearly over, and he made a huge error of judgement that, I believe, is forgiveable. I am not taking an easy option here, but it is what I want to do.
    My parents, on the other hand, cannot forgive. Okay, they are entitled to that opinion. My OH is no longer welcome in their home broad, and they will not come here (recent decision, despite lack of visits between then and now!) They are blaming him that they cannot see me or their first grandson. I dont want to go there alone with my son and have his father demonised. I don't want to have to explain to him that Daddy isn't allowed to come.
    In addition, my mum is a real ***. Has always slagged anyone and everything off after they have gone or when she thinks they cant hear. Very much "nan" in Catherine Tate show.
    She has been sending my sister e mails, saying really unpleasant things about me. My sister and I are close. She has told me all the things they say to her as well, and they do it about her too. For example, when I had a GA caesarian and was out cold for hours until I met my own son, the first thing I did when I came to was ring them, to be met with a frosty reception from her. It transpired that she didnt believe my reasons for not ringing, and blamed my OH, saying he didnt want her to know first..he wanted to tell his own mother (which he didnt.) She then spent the week when LO was 6 weeks old being lovely at mine, then going to my sisters and saying my baby was too cold, bored, not being fed properly.
    Mt sister has confronted them over these e mails, and told them I know everything. Mum is now playing the "how could you treat us like this?" card because I wont talk to her. I received a text from her yesterday saying "Please phone straight away." I didnt phone, because I wont be summoned like this.
    I feel threatened and afraid. I love my Dad to bits, but he is under the thumb. I can't take her bitching any more, or her bullying controlling ways. I have only ever given it back to her once, and we didnt speak for a year. My fault, of course. She gets vicious, but then plays the victim.
    Sorry for the rant. I'm fed up with her. Anyone got any advice? I.e, should I send an e mail and lay eveything out on the table? I don't want to phone...I'm too nervous!! I don't know how to deal with her, but I think, as a 32 year old mother now myself, I cannot tolerate this anymore x
     
  3. It sounds to me like you need to get it all off your chest with her, whistle. And it could go two ways - she uses it to fuel her bitching about you or it makes her see some sense. Yes, in the latter case she might not come out and say anything, but she might lay off the mean stuff.
    I think (just my opinion here) that you need to sort out the stuff with your OH and her - and even that you know he made a bad judgment call but have decided to move on from that.
    For a subject so important I think maybe write a letter rather than an email? To me it carries more weight, she can mull over the contents and forumlate a reply rather than type out a quick email response in anger.

    As you say, you're fed up. It's a big step and might not have the desired outcome. Have you discussed it with your sister?
    We've had some difficult dealings with my FIL who is an alcoholic and has always been horrible to my OH and it's taken so long for my OH to see that theirs is not a normal relationship. OH has decided to not see his father (next time will likely be at his brother's wedding next year) and although it's made things awkward (his mum's stuck in the middle and our boy isn;t goign to know his grandad on that side of the family) it is much better for my OH who gets so stressed out by the whole thing and often feels he could hit his dad.
    Hope you feel a bit better today, look after yourself.

    x
     
  4. Thanks GK.
    I wrote her a letter once before, when I got married to my ex, who they clearly didnt like and were making horrible jibes about him and rolling their eyes (he saw them a few times too!) It caused WW3 although it was phrased really kindly. She is so oversensitive, and seems able to dish it out but not take it.
    My sister is sick of them too. I think whatever I say, she will take massive offence.
    I dont really know what to do about the OH situation, but I cant force them to "forgive" him, as they put it, however, I can't really see a way forward in my relationship with them if they have these feelings towards my sons' father :( x
     
  5. This is a very tricky one. I think when you become a parent, part of your job is to be able to let your children go and allow them their independence. Obviously this starts off with tiny steps, to going to school, choosing friends, staying away overnight, goin to uni (maybe), choosing boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives and becoming parents themselves. As a parent it can be really hard to stand back and let your children make mistakes, or see them struggle or get into bother, but I believe a good parent is one who lets that happen. I think your mum cannot let you make decisions as an adult and she does not respect the decisions you make. To put blanket rules down over your husband I feel is wrong and its just her trying to assert control as she would with you if you were 13 or 14 again. Rightly or wrongly, your decision to support your husband is the one you have made and you must live with the consequences of that. She has the right to give you advice but not to undermine and corrode your relationship. And to use a baby as a blackmail tool is just wrong. Stand up to her, for yourself and your husband. You have your own family now and that is the most important, not playing your mothers mind games.
    I have had a similar experience with my sister who kept on at me so much she had me in hysterical tears when I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter. She has accused me of hitting over the head with wine bottles, undermining her with her son, etc etc too much to write down. I used to make allowances for her and try to talk to her but eventually her lies involved so many people and made me so upset for my own sanity I no longer have anything to do with her. Me and my children see my nephew ( her son) if my mum has him, and I would never hold it against him, but I couldn't deal with the sh1 t anymore.
    Please be strong.
     
  6. LJ, your advice rocks. Thankyou :)

    KC, I just couldn't trust them not to slag OH off and I don't want negative things said about my sons father, no matter what he has done. I really feel that this can't go on. They will say anything to vindicate themselves and portray me as the villain :(
    Does it really sound like they are using my son as a bargaining tool? They say its my OHs fault that they can't see me or my son anymore, but they haven't seen us for over a year now anyway. The relationship is so fake, and tense. Me and my sister both deleted Dad from FB as it was being used as a spying tool, and for analysis and accusations. We are now being called "cruel." It seems so petty, but I'm thirty two, and can't be doing with tellings off necause they've misread something on a social networking site! X
     
  7. Yes she is using your son to make you feel guilty about her. My sister used to do the same after she had had one of her slanging matches "*** , (her son's name) really wants to play with *** and *** and your not letting him" *** off!! Thats her selfish warped mind trying to make me feel guilty when she has created a problem. It sounds like your mum has too much time on her hands, and therefore has time to perseverate over every minute detail. The rest of us are so busy we wouldn't even notice or bother about the things she seems to find offensive or wrong. I think you know what the best decision is for you and your family.
     
  8. My feelings echo lucejuce, I would just add to be careful not to cut yourself off from the rest of the world, recent house move, job, parents, you may find yourself needing your family. I would suggest that you keep in contact with your supportive sister but ask her not to tell you every detail that your mum says as you find it quite corrosive. Make contact with your mum and see what happens. You may have to be the responsible adult, standing by while she can have her hissy fits. There is no simple answer, sorry! BG
     
  9. Thanks BG. The move has been good, and although I have just resigned, I have been lucky enough to find a new job. I have always needed my friends more, I've found, as I went to boarding school from 11-18 and then far away to Uni. I love my parents, but they make me feel like sh1 t about myself...like all I ever do is disappoint them. It's horrid. Yes, I might just contact her and see what happens. All is quiet atm, and I feel more at peace with it like this than the other way. It is really so sad. x
     
  10. Oh Whistle - I am sorry it is kicking off again. I think the others have given you good advice. However do you think your mum feeds off all this negative attention? Is it time to step back - both you and your sister together - and stand up for her. She hasn't changed her ways from previous situations - is it healthy for you two. You have to put yourself and your family first. I know you love your Dad but maybe it is time for him to stand up - someone needs to give her a metaphorical slap - she is getting away with this behaviour because the three of you are allowing her too. As I said before I do think you would benefit from the counselling or something - otherwise this is going to haunt you forever. Sending you a very big hug xxx
     
  11. Hi Whistle4it,
    Your situation is slightly different to mine but the principal is the same. When you become a mother your proirities change, if people (family or not) are causing you stress and upset then take a step back. I personally would send an email but say breifly why you can't make a phonecall and lay out the basics of why you are leaving things alone. You are well within your rights to say that your priorities are your partner and child and you are not saying they can't have contact, you are saying you don't want to be involved in any backbiting.
    At the risk of sounding rude though, I think you and your sister would be wise to avoid discussing your mother. If you know she is going to be insulting you it's probably best to ignore it all.
    My little boy is being baptised next month. None of my family will be there. I gave in at our engagement party, my graduation and our wedding and each time they upset me and left me with tainted memories. So they are simply not invited. If they don't like it they can meet up and *** about it together because I am not interested anymore. And do you know something? It feels great to have finally made the decision!
    Wishing you luck with whatever your decide xxx
     
  12. Don't email. Don't phone. If she contacts you then reply or answer but it helps to give factual, impersonal information. Don't rise to the bait, don't argue and don't let it bother you. She knows where you live, she has lots of time. She could come and visit, staying somewhere else if it is your husband that is the problem. There are ways around these things but it sounds like your mother will always have issues with something. Start now by showing your son how a mummy should conduct herself. Enjoy your new house, new job, baby and start rebuilding your relationship with your husband.
     
  13. MLT

    MLT

    My relationship with my mother was worse then yours is currently. It came to a point where I had minimal contact with her. Then I became pregnant. Althoug ihave known my other half for over 23 years and have been together for 20, she find it hard to accept that we were having a child together and refused to talk to me for a few months. Funnily enough, this did not bother me. We are now talking and during the dark days of colic she was a great help. However there is a definite reversing to previous behaviour.
    I tell you this, not to advocate 'divorcing' your parents (as it would like like you would have to do te same for both mum and dad).Although my own mother had a difficult relationship with her mother (yes a pattern is forming), she never stopped me forming my own, wonderful attachment to my grandmother. She was so special to me, althoug she to lived in another country. I do think that you need a break. Tempting though it is to explain via an email, text or letter, don't. Whats to explain? What's to talk about? (Although you may wish to put yoings down on paper, just not send it. A way of getting all your feelings out.)
    LEave communication lines open. At some stage, your LO is going to ask what happened. I am sure you will bring them up to appreciate the need for trust, honesty and love in a relationship. Your mother has vilated this, and although you felt you needed a break you never prevented them from forming and developing relationship with them. Although you remain quiet you could send cards from their grandchid to show how important that relationship is.
    I have no idea what your other half has done. But do you think your mother might be using it as an excuse? My mother knows that I do not trust her. Years of lies about and to me have broken down any trust. She also knows that I trust my OH implicitly. He made a bad decision and did not tell me about it. It was not huge, but the fact he lied annoyed me. My mother jumped on this and has used this as a way of having a go at both of us. The fact it was a small thing and that it did not shake my faith and trust in him means I see her ploy for what it is.
    Sometimes there is a straw that breaks the camels back. Perhaps this is yours.
    OH and don't feel that you are chosing between your parents and your OH. You are chosing between your family and a person who is not a positive in your life.
     
  14. Oh whistle4it this is so sad.
    Your loyalties must be to your OH and your child I'm afraid and this may have to come at the expense of your relationship with your parents. This is your mother's fault not anyone else's.
    We had a rouge granny when I was growing up which was a huge shame as she was our only grandparent. She made mum's life miserable hell with all sorts of weird allegations and nasty remarks.
    Dad had to send her home several times (she was his mum).
    The situation eventually reached a more stable state when I (#4) was born. On her visit my eldest sister asked her when she was going home. Totally innocent - she was just curious. Granny took offence and didn't come back for over 10 years (we occasionally paid duty visits to her - 300 miles is a long way when you have four young children).
    By this time this ended she had mellowed, as many people do. As adults we children all had good relationships with her.
    You are going to have to draw boundaries to protect your family whistle4it. She is a bully. You are going to have to learn not to be her victim any more or it will take a very heavy toll on your family.
    Big hugs.
     
  15. I wish we could all come instead! xxx
     
  16. Gosh, you guys are nice. Really nice. Thankyou.
    Sometimes I have felt as though I am being too harsh. But i don't think I am. Yes, maybe leaving things alone will be best. Sooner or later, I expect an accusatory e mail, to which I won't know how to respond. They will say how supportive of me they have been while all this mess with OH has been going on. And yes, they were great, BUT slagging me off behind the scenes, and then being overly pushy when it came to me making the decision about whether to stay with him or not. And when I did decide to, slagging it all off again, but to my sister.
    I think she does have too much time on her hands. She never sees her own family, and, sadly, Dad is estranged from his, and has been for years. I know they are miserable and "at" each other all the time where they live abroad. They are using OH as an excuse not to come over. It isn't about money either, as they are constantly spending a few grand here and there maintaining their already perfect house! From being a real grafter in his profession, Dad is reduced to sitting on FB all day and watching You Tube Clips. Mum does the garden. They go out a lot and drink a lot too. Every friendship they have ever had has fizzled out, or ended in a row.
    I don't get why she is SO jealous of my MIL (who lives round the corner and sees my son about once a week) or the fact that I have made good friends since we moved here. Shouldnt she be happy that I am supported, and that Archie has a good relationship with his other grandma? After all, it was my Mum who made the decision to live abroad.
    It is sad, but amazing how much more peaceful I feel not having to contact them x
     
  17. princessmelody

    princessmelody New commenter

    I know loads of people have given you advice already but I just wanted to add my experience from the grandchilds point of view. My nan is poison. She has always been nasty to my mum (who is the most loveliest, caring, unselfish woman you'll ever meet), telling her from when she was young that she was only there as a condom split and she never wanted her (my mum is the youngest of 4).
    She has always treated me and my brother differently to everyone else in the family. One of my earliest memories of her is when she emptied her 1p/2p jar and shared it out to all the grandchildren...leaving out me and my brother who were sat there too! Not even a penny! It was the 80s but I'm pretty certain a penny would only buy you 2 sweets max and she had loads of them.
    My grandad left her when I was little for another woman. Somehow she blamed my parents for that (even though my aunt took my nan up to my other uncle so my grandad could leave!) my parents had no idea he was thinking of leaving (my mum is young- she was only in her early 20s when this happened). My nan took revenge by phoning social services and telling them my parents beat us!!! Which they didn't!
    She has always been clear about how much she dislikes my dad (tbh he doesnt like her much either now) and openly slated him in front of us.
    When I became pregnant my parents moved back from abroad as they were so excited about having a grandchild. When I have taken my mum to things like a scan she has been overjoyed and thanked me. When I asked her why she was thanking me she said how her mother was never there for her when she was pregnant and didnt even congratulate her when she told her she was.
    Now my nan is very old and has dementia. Its actually made her nicer. She told me she loved me when it first started kicking in and saying how proud she was I was a teacher. Too little too late.
    I wouldn't expose your child(ren) to someone who acts like your mother. It just isnt worth it. I so wish my mother wouldnt bother seeing my nan, but she still visits her (now once a week as she is living back here)- like I say my mother is lovely and sees it as the right thing to do so my nan doesnt get lonely. If my mum didnt visit she'd get what she deserved IMO.
    Its your mum who needs to change. <u>If she does</u>, welcome her with open arms. If not, forget her. Spend time with people who love you and not just because you share some genes.
     

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