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I love him in a way but he scares me most of the time.

Discussion in 'Personal' started by lapinrose, Jun 6, 2011.

  1. lapinrose

    lapinrose Lead commenter

    Every part of me is screaming, move out and move on. Sorry to be so harsh, but I've been in a manipulative relationship and currently have a friend who is in the process of finishing one.
    Life is tough, but you sound so unhappy and I'm not sure how to help in the best way. Does your LA offer free counselling, maybe you could look into that to help you.
  2. As lapinrose said - if the LA don't offer counselling, then get an appointment with your GP or phone the Samaritans.
  3. I have to say suggesting that 'when you are ready' is perhaps a bit naive - its unlikely, given that you are as utterly low as you are, that you can get out of this frame of mind and cycle of behaviour without help. You may need counselling but I would imagine you need something more in order to correct the way you think and behave - such as cognitive behavioural therapy. You can access this on the NHS by asking your doctor to refer you. If you can get it through a referral to OH by your school it will more than likely happen much more quickly.
    You can t just wait until you feel better. Getting out of the relationship is a start but it still is unlikely to change how you feel about yourself, which will inevitably lead you to end up in similar relationships in future. You need help and there's no shame in asking for it.
    Look after yourself x
  4. bed

    bed New commenter

    There IS hope - and YOU can do it - with help - gather your friends round you - TELL THEM - they will help because they care about you - get professional help too - this is what happened to me...
    About 18 months ago I was very ill with depression - didn't realise it for ages - had similar self-image and self-destructive thoughts as you. (But I haven't self-harmed about 15 years - I just smoke n drink - same thing I suppose)
    Eventually went to GP with a 'chest infection' - didn't want to make a fuss - reckoned I'd get the usual 5 minute consult and be sent off with antibiotics.
    Described my chest symptoms to GP - then dropped into conversation that I felt rather Low - GP put down pen, looked up and asked me to go on.
    She was brilliant - I was in there for another 15 mins or so just going through it all, how long it had been going on for etc.
    I cried and it all tumbled out.
    It was so good talking to someone else, someone other - a stranger but a stranger who really cares.
    First of all she reassured me that I wsan't mad - then offered me anti-depressants - at which point I decided I didn't want them.
    (Had them before when at college - not keen - didn't suit me - they work wonders for others tho)
    She offered me counselling with a CB therapist straight away - I didn't take her up on it as I wanted to try things my own way.
    She sent me away with some literature, which funnily enough helped enormously - and still does - it reminds me I'm not mad - that my physical symptoms are anxiety and panic attacks - not coronaries, asthma or imminent death and made me open up to my partner a bit more.
    The point is
    I started to feel better - more able to cope - more able to ignore and eventually rebuke the poisonous thoughts that had been dripped into my consciousness over many years.
    And I managed to dump the damaging relationship in my life that was part of the immediate problem.
    I don't know if any of this helps you - I hope so
    A decent realtionship involves friendship, kindness, respect
    If those things are not there - if instead you get animosity, cruelty, belittling and undermining of your-self GET OUT
    Gather your friends round you - tell one or two ALL about it - let them hold you up and look after you.

  5. Gardening Leaves

    Gardening Leaves New commenter

    I would like to add my sympathy and support to others'. I've been there, done it, got the T shirt and I know how hard it is. However, you need to trust your instincts and get out fast.
    Getting out is much harder than people realise because, as you observe, abusive partners wear down your self-esteem until you believe you are not strong enough to do it.
    You need the help of Women's Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk) They are a marvellous organisation who will support you at every stage of your decision making and action. Check out their web-site: you'll find plenty of practical advice as well as information about the characteristics of abusive behaviour. You will see that your partner's behaviour towards you has been duplicated many times before by others. He is a 'type' and once you understand that he's not original and it's not 'you' or 'your fault' it becomes easier to weaken the chain that holds you.
    One more thing: if there is any chance that your partners could see which websites you have visited and have enquired about abuse, be sure to delete your browsing history carefully. Abusive partners can become more so if they think you are planning escape. The Women's Aid website has a section on keeping yourself safe in this way.
    Love and strength to you. You are not alone in this. xx
  6. Where the hell did "abusive" and women's aid come from?
    We've heard one side of the story from a person who is clearly depressed. For all I know this poster's partner could be at the absolute end of his rope trying to cope with it all. It seems rather unfair to presume that her feelings of depression, low self-esteem and dysmorphia must be the result of abuse on his part.
  7. Reading between the *lines* in the title.
  8. bed

    bed New commenter

    I'm inclined to urge caution too.
    There may well be something in the fact that you feel scared of your partner - but being depressed - as you seem to be - can create disordered thinking and skew perceptions of life.

    Get help - please - you've tried to deal with this- whatever it is - on your own and it's not helping.
    Use your friends, use your GP
    Get some help

  9. I think you'll find that the OP has "tried" everything and it is either unsuitable or ineffective.
  10. I'm not quite sure what you're asking, or what the post is about... is it aimed at those who already know who you are?
    I'm finding it difficult to read between the lines.. but my day has been very full on and I don't think I'm quite recovered yet.
    If you want to post more details(?) maybe more people can help you..
  11. Ok - have just re-read the thread TITLE and realised I misread it - I thought you wrote 'I love him in a way that scares me most of the time'.

    That sounds bad. Very bad.
  12. Hmmm.
    Blimey...it's like sitting at the guillotine knitting...
    Look, sorry to be frank, but if you have to 'babble' here, at length, then surely you have also babbled on appropriate help sites? I understand what a bad relationship can do to a person but seeking attention here isn't really going to solve any of your problems.
    Google something like "help in abusive relationship" UK and you'll find lots of of sites, information and forums full of the sort of advice that might be helpful to you.
    You surely know that I suspect?
  13. I suspect that I've seen this very thing several times before and that it might come as a complete and rather unpleasant surprise to the The Other Half.
  14. Intriguing...

  15. You are a fine person, LV and I would/will be proud and honoured to sit next to you in a pub. xx

    God, I hope you are who I think you are. :¬))
  16. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    I'm sure it's who you think it is, Bauble, and what's been said in this thread is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope LV finds the strength and courage to get out of this relationship and change her life for the better sooner rather than later.
  17. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    I'm not sharing LV with you in any pub, Bauble!
  18. Agreed Sooty but easier said than done.

    Don't be greedy, Lil...we said Mondays, Thursdays and every other Sunday.
  19. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    Absolutely, Bauble...and I certainly know that from experience.
  20. So - some people KNOW this person? Others don't...so should our advice differ????
    I hope LV is or has emailed her friends for support. I am not sure that giving all this info to all TES readers does any good unless we are supposed to enter into a 'guess who LV REALLY is?" game. [​IMG]
    Those who have had the same personal experience would surely PM her..or is this about 'share your abusive relationship tales' or 'have a hug LV cos you are my mate.' ? It smacks of needing attention I am afraid...yet that attention could be gained by allowing her close personal circle the details - if she really felt she had to divulge the awful truth online.
    Again...my view is that a lot more worthwhile help and advice would be gleaned elsewhere online or by actually starting the ball rolling in real life by seeking out help that is so widely advertised and available.
    Best wishes LV. I think you know what you should do next...It takes courage but you'll actually feel better if you takes steps towards solving your problem.

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