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I haven't admitted this in real life

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by Ange_mmm, May 18, 2011.

  1. I think I have PND. I have been burying these feelings for months but things have got so bad that I don't think I can anymore.
    LO is nearly 9 months and up until about 3 months ago everything was great. Now I can't get through a day with floods of tears. I have to drag myself out of the house, I'm irritable to the point of being evil. I have no patience with the LO and end up shouting at him then I'm devoured by guilt. I just don't think I can do anything right with him and he is not the happy baby he once was, he is much more demanding now he is older and move active and I'm not coping well with that.
    I can't believe I'm admitting this but when I leave my LO I don't even miss him anymore. I used to cry and feel guilty. Now I feel nothing, sometimes I'm even relieved. I can't wait for my OH to get home at the end of the day to take him off me. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him and would never hurt him but I just feel like somebody has turned off the lights. It's hard to explain.
    I can't bear to admit this to my OH. He is amazing and helps out loads and always tells me I'm doing a good job, I don't want to let him down.
    I don't want any sympathy but I think I needed to write it down.
     
  2. I think I have PND. I have been burying these feelings for months but things have got so bad that I don't think I can anymore.
    LO is nearly 9 months and up until about 3 months ago everything was great. Now I can't get through a day with floods of tears. I have to drag myself out of the house, I'm irritable to the point of being evil. I have no patience with the LO and end up shouting at him then I'm devoured by guilt. I just don't think I can do anything right with him and he is not the happy baby he once was, he is much more demanding now he is older and move active and I'm not coping well with that.
    I can't believe I'm admitting this but when I leave my LO I don't even miss him anymore. I used to cry and feel guilty. Now I feel nothing, sometimes I'm even relieved. I can't wait for my OH to get home at the end of the day to take him off me. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him and would never hurt him but I just feel like somebody has turned off the lights. It's hard to explain.
    I can't bear to admit this to my OH. He is amazing and helps out loads and always tells me I'm doing a good job, I don't want to let him down.
    I don't want any sympathy but I think I needed to write it down.
     
  3. Oh Ange
    You need to get to the doctors and tell them how you feel. Print this off if it helps. Depression is an illness and needs treatment. Phone the doctors NOW and get an appointment, a decent doctor will take you seriously. Try get an appointment for tomorrow- you have a lot you need to say, so ask for a double. It can really help just to feel you are being taken seriously.
    I know you were finding breastfeeding tiring a while ago and had big family problems which must have contributed but you need some support now. This can be treated- I am not sure how you feel about antidepressants? But they can really help lift you out of a black phase. Don't feel guilty for feeling like this- you need to do whatever you can to life yourself out of this.

    You are not alone, and certainly not the only person to have felt like this- but please get that docs appointment. I would also talk to your husband, some family support can really help.
     
  4. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    ((((Hugs)))) If you think that you've got PND then get yourself to the doctor pronto. That's what they're there for. In the meantime, however, the following might make you feel better:
    Me neither. I love him and everything but I'm not built to spend 24 hours a day in the company of anyone, especially someone who can't talk.
    Yep.
    I have phases of this - things usually snap back after a while but I can go a week or a couple of weeks of feeling like the world's crappest mother and convince myself that Lite is not, and has never been, even the slightest bit happy.
    That's been known to happen in my house as well.
    Like I said, if you're worried about PND (and you know best how you feel) then do go to the doctor - if only to talk it through. But be reassured that I've certainly felt all of the above, occasionally for extended periods of time, I think it's normal. I reckon that the vast majority of mothers have - and those that haven't are either lying or annoyingly and unnaturally perfect. Don't beat yourself up about it.
     
  5. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    Hmmm, worrying that I haven't made myself clear or that it sounds like I'm belittling the way you feel - hope that's not the case. I suppose all I'm saying is try not to feel guilty as well as sad - I bet that you're doing a much better job than you seem to think you are.
     
  6. nick909

    nick909 Lead commenter

    Speaking as an OH, I'd be distraught if I thought my OH was going through all of this alone. You've already said he's amazing, so he'll be amazing at understanding what you're going through and do everything in his power to help you. You must speak to him. Get someone to babysit for the evening and go out for a drink or whatever and tell him how you feel, so you can be as emotional as you need to be without worrying about crying LO.
     
  7. you're not the only one and you're not a bad person for feeling this way. i have it and i feel guilty as i'm enjoying being back at work. LO wasn't even 4 months when i returned and he still can't sit up unaided, still isn't weaned, still not crawling so pretty easy and yet i still find him too demanding.
    your GP can help, talk to your OH - being open about it really helped me - and counselling also helps. take care and be kind to yourself x
     
  8. Oh Ange - I am sending you some virtual hugs. My LO is practically exactly the same age as yours. I remember talking to you on here when we were both waiting for their arrival and felt like we were the only people on the Summer baby forum left! You must try and see the doctor if you suspect PND and get some help. You must also try and talk to your OH - he will understand and you are not letting him down in any way. Life with a baby is harder than expected and sometimes we all need some extra help. I hope you feel better soon Kayla xxxxx
     
  9. You will not be letting your partner down by admitting this. He will still be proud of you and still want to support you.
    We all have ups and downs where we don't enjoy things so much, but when the downs are bigger and longer than the ups, we need some help. Tell your OH- he will still be proud of. Do remember what you have had to deal with recently- you have been the strong one- not only supporting your own son, but your sister and her family as well. Do not underestimate how this must have impacted you.
    I also feel you need some time off- sort somE time where you can have some baby free time and do something for you. Even something like a bath, a relaxing read and a nap... even better a massage.
    I want to see you have booked a docs appointment by your next post xxx









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  10. The thing about PND is that it isnt about you as a person, it isnt about failure it is about hormones. 9 months is meant to be a really common time for it to surface. I was completely up.and down for the whole year after I had my daughter, I was low or ok depending on the time in my cycle. From 9 months onwards the lows gradually got less bad and I went back to normal.
     
  11. Hi all, thank you all for your messages. It is very reassuring that I am not the only one who finds it hard.
    I have been to the doctors today and had a really good cry, it was very theraputic. We have agreed an action plan and some counselling rather than ADs at this point. I also had a chat with my OH last night who is the most wonderful man in the world [not showing off]. He said he knew something was wrong and as a suprise he had booked me into a spa and massage [moomoon he must have read your mind] for this Saturday morning.
    I feel so much better already having talked to someone about it and airing it on here. I have lots of lovely things to look forward to, LO is being christened on Sunday and we are having our first holiday as a family in a couple of weeks so I am going to look ahead rather than think myself up my backside as i have been doing.
    Thanks for your support as ever ladies you are a top bunch!

     
  12. Glad you are feeling better about things- and I hope the counselling helps and I am pleased you went to the docs- PND isn;t something that should be dealt with alone.
    Make sure you look after yourself- get out the house for a walk everyday, eat a lot of fruit and veg and sleep as much as you can and if you can walk or something- do it. It won't solve everything but it does help to keep your body healthy.
    If you do have down moments- don't ignore them and do talk to someone.
     
  13. Hi there Ange. I remember you from the pregnancy forum. It's really nice to see all the names from there over on this one now! I just wanted to reassure that there is light at the end of the PND tunnel - promise! I was diagnosed with it about two months ago and already I feel so much better. I think it's really good that your GP has not just leaped to the ADs straight away. IT's good to see if therapy is enough by itself. I am on ADs (citalopram), but, like you, my GP didn't prescribe them straight away. For me, they have helped so much to make me feel so much more like myself. I am also seeing a therapist like yourself.
    I hope that your counsellor will help you to stop beating yourself up and saying things like: "I am going to look ahead rather than think myself up my backside as i have been doing."!!! You have NOT had your head up your backside. Please be kind to yourself. I have been doing a lot of CBT work which has been brilliant in helping me to stop similar patterns of thinking. If you had a physical ailment like pneumonia, you would not beat yourself up about it. Depression isn't any different. You'd be surprised how much being a bit easier on yourself will help.
    Anyway, the fact that you have recognised that something is wrong and have done something about it is so positive and it will help you get over this so much more quickly. You are obviously very self-aware and that also helps. As I said, I can see such a huge difference in my from a few months ago. You will get through this, I guarantee. Sounds like you have a great man there (like me :) )
    If you would like to email me or anything, feel free. Trust me though, in a few weeks time, whether you go down the route of ADs or not, you will feel SO much better.
    Take care and look after yourself (and maybe cook your lovely man a nice dinner and enjoy a glass of wine!)
     

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