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I feel in such a muddle...advice (or just support) needed!

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by colourfulrainbow, Mar 20, 2011.

  1. Hey everyone,
    I've been reading through all the forums on here for months, and have agreed and sympathised with so many of the posters, and thought I should pluck up the courage to post something myself. Feel a bit weird doing it, not usually one to talk, but find 'paper' easier, and my head is in a massive muddle! Also feel a bit strange writing this tonight, as actually feel ok today. But I digress...

    Basically I feel like my bodies having a bit of a rough time at the moment. Have been having a tough time at work since I started Sept 09 (aggressive member of the SMT who seems to have taken a personal dislike to me - even the head (who most people are actually scared of) stated to me that she thinks it's personal. Luckily she's been ok with me so far, most of the time!) Anyway, for some reason, the head put us ina job-share this year (parralel classes), which hasn't been the best of times. Seems as I'm the one who's been in that year group before I should provide ALL the plans (even though, obviously the plans I sused last year need to be tweaked/some topics altered). Now, normally I wouldnt mind doing work (I mean, last year, when planning alone I was fine), but working with this lady is driving me mad! She doesn;t ask, she demands, and she has actually been working at another school since Christmas, and I have been directing a supply (much better), but she continues to come in and never praise anything that I am doing, but critisising things that I'm not. (To me - my plans are good, the children are learning - if I haven't done a colour-coded unit plan for every objective in that month;s maths units I should not be made to feel **** for it...) Anyway, sorry I'm having a slight rant here. It just all feels so constant, and there doesn;t seem to be an end. My TA (who is good friends with her)even has been getting annoyed at being treated like a 'dosgbody'. I mean, I understand she is SMT, but for me, as a teacher in the classroom, we should be equals (if such a thing exists), and for her to shout across the classroom to my TA 'I'm the depuy she should do as I tell her' to me just isnt professional. I understand I cannot change this behaviour, and of course am looking for a new job, but even thinking about seeing her in the mornings before she goes to this other school, is causing my to actually dread going into work. I dread what else is going to be nit-picked etc. I totally understand I am not perfect, but I try to do everything well that will benefit the children, and feel I do do enough assessment too. But the weird thing is, I now dont seem to be able to sum up the energy to do the things I need to do. I know they need to be done (even more so), and if I do them then stress may be less, but i just DONT seem to be able to do them - am just so exausted all the time. My head last week was so fuzzy as well - never had that feeling before. Had a slight cry breakdown on my TA on Wednesday last week, then Tue this week I mustn't have looked great as another member of staff came to chat. Luckily theres a couple of staff there that are nice, but the others are either thorougly controlled by SMT (wanting to be in the 'clique'). Just feel like I dont want to be there at all. Can see the things piling around at me, both there and at home, but just cant seem to do it.

    Dont think it helps that my dad was rediagnosed with a growing brain tumour last Feb (it had stopped growing 10yrs ago), and had 3 lots of brain surgery over Oct/Nov, still isnt recovered/can't really walk/had his skull removed/isnt even well enough for chemo. Dont really want to write too much about that because if I do I wil probably cry! Work is good in a way, in the classroom I cant think about it, but thinking that maybe i should actually think about it! It has really made me think about life though, and how I need to make sure Im healthy, and I just really dont feel like it at the moment. Never really felt like this before, but think its starting to affect me in more ways (booked appt with doc on Tue for blood in the toilet region [​IMG]) not sure if related or not. Just dont really know what to do - think maybe Im being lazy for wanting day off to sort out myself/piles of stuff/try to relax. Just had a bath and spent it making a huge list - aargh!
    Sorry for ranting...dont even know if my post makes sense. Think I just needed to get something out (might pluck up courage to speak to doc, and kinda wanted to get a reaction from out there, in case what you think Im saying is a 'shut up and get on with it' kind of thing....
    Colourful x
  2. I feel for you Rainbow. You are having a rough time for sure.
    You are doing the right thing by going to the dr and looking for a new job. Probably you should be documenting all the negative comments, it's bullying and you might want to contact your union.
    Take care of yourself.
  3. Write down some, or all, of what you've put on here and take that to the doctor. If it's too difficult for you to 'talk' about it all (and that is perfectly understandable) why not let the doctor read it instead?
    Good luck!

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