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I feel as though I'm going to die a virgin...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by MissSJJ, Jul 14, 2011.

  1. Before I start, I'm not a new poster but I didn't want this post associated with my username, and my new username bears no resemblance to my real name.

    I don't know why it's so hard for me to write this, but here we go - I'll be 40 soon and I'm still a virgin.

    I had a Catholic upbringing and so, until the age of about 19, I thought that I wanted to save myself for marriage. At 18, I went off to uni and realised that there was no shame in having sex before marriage so I started dating. I've always been quite a shy person so I found it very difficult to get 'close' to boyfriends and often ended the relationships after a few weeks or they dumped me because of the lack of sex.

    After leaving uni, I moved away to find work (not teaching at this point), which meant leaving my friends behind and finding new ones. I didn't want to look 'strange', so I told any new friends that I'd had quite a few relationships in uni and told old friends that I'd been out with a few men in my new area.

    Over the space of 15 years, I'd lived in 12 different towns/cities and so I was able to carry on with the lies.

    I've been living in the same town for 3 years now and I've made some really great friends (and met some potential dates) but I'm just too afraid to open up to anyone.

    The longest 'relationship' I've been in was about 6 years ago and he dumped me when I eventually told him that I was a virgin as he wasn't "looking for anything serious" and so he didn't want to be "responsible" for taking my virginity.

    I'm seriously considering just going out to a club and going home with any half-decent bloke. Maybe if I just lost 'it', I'd feel more confident about having a serious relationship? On the other hand, I feel like I've waited too long to just sleep with a stranger.

    I don't know why this is all coming out now. It's probably because I'm tired and lonely right now. I just want to hear what people think - should I stop making a big deal out of sex and just get with it, even if it's with the 'wrong' person? Should I wait for a serious relationship? How can I build my confidence? As arrogant as it may sound, I've been told that I'm attractive and I seem to have no trouble getting male attention, but I feel as though as though I physically can't let myself get to close to anyone.

    I'm sorry if I've made myself sound like a stupid teenager, I'm in tears writing this as I'm just so fed up of feeling like ****.

    Thank you for reading.
  2. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    I'm sorry you're feeling so **** about things. Have you considered counselling? Not because you're a virgin, but to understand why you feel the need to construct an image of yourself and keep people at arm's length, even friends. That's why you feel lonely, not the lack of sex.
    DaisysLot likes this.
  3. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Ann Widdecombe seems to thrive and she's been a virgin for even longer.
  4. If you have moved 12 times in 15 years and have lived in one place for three years now, that means on average you must have moved on a yearly basis ( or less)? That doesn't exactly bode well for finding a long term relationship with a man who might value you as a person and respect you.
    Maybe you are looking in the wrong places for a bloke or you are attracting the wrong kind for some reason. You need to look at that. Maybe also you need to ask what you want - do you want a bloke on a long term with marriage or a one night stand?
    I suspect you would regret the latter although I am very old fashioned (and old). Maybe you are looking in the wrong age range? There are some decent blokes around in my own age range ( I am in my fifties) and despite what is often said, most of us do prefer a lady with less experience.
    Be careful if you choose the one night stand. You may loose more than your virginity.
  5. Thank you for the replies.

    I've had counselling in the past for a different issue but I didn't really work as I felt I couldn't open as much as I should have. I'll definitely think about giving it another go though.
  6. I moved around a lot due to my previous job and I agree that it probably didn't do me any good.

    Now that I'm teaching, I feel settled in my current town and have made some really great friends. I just keep worrying that, as I haven't really found a man in the three years I've been here, I'll never find one. I've been thinking about moving again but I know I shouldn't. All my life, I've run away from my problems and it has completely destroyed my confidence. I know I need to stick it out here as I think I could be really happy here.

    Ideally, I'd like to get married. I did want children but I doubt that'll ever happen. Maybe, now that the summer holidays are here, I'll be able to get out more and meet some new people. Whenever friends have tried to set me up with men, I've always said no but, next time, I know I should just go for it!

    Just writing it all down has made me see that it's my own self-esteem issues that are holding me back and that I should maybe look for some professional help. Maybe life really will begin at 40!
  7. wrldtrvlr123

    wrldtrvlr123 Occasional commenter

    Firstly, I wanted to say that I greatly respect you for your brave and candid post (even if you did use a new user name!).
    I think you do need to try and answer some questions for yourself before you do anything drastic. Do you really WANT to have sex? Is having sex and getting it over with (horrible phrase/concept I know) more important you you than having sex with someone that you truly care about and cares about you? People will have all manner of opinion on this but there are no truly right or wrong answers that anyone can give you (although experience for most people would tend to show that sex with someone you care about and vice versa is ultimately the most satisfying and healthy in the long term).
    It does seem that because the sex has been such a focal point for you, it has been an obstacle in your relationships (beyond the obvious ways). Men can be odd about virginity, both over-valuing it on one hand and finding it strange or offputting on the other. I don't know if it's something you really need to share that explicitly with the next man you date. It's not as of you would be withholding that you were extremely promiscuous or unhealthy ***. I don't know the right answer but I do hope that it works out for you in a way that makes it more likely you will end up in a happy long term relationship (eventually).
  8. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    as my old mum said
    sex is not that important really
    It is the relationship that matters. Friends are excellent. Go for that.
    You could try dating with the Guardian. My daughter went through a phase of doing just that and met some nice friends. Not the love of her life, granted, she met him somewhere else. But she did enjoy the dates anyway! All part of life's rich tapestry.

  9. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    One of my mates is 50 and still a virgin, he is shy, kind, tall, dark, healthy and somehow he has never quite got it together with a woman. I am pretty sure he is heterosexual. He might be up for a mutual exploration.

  10. It can be fun though.I don't see what's wrong with just going out and having sex with someone without bothering to have a great big relationship. If that's what you want...
  11. I think the best way to lose your virginity is in a loving relationship, not matter what your age. It would do your self-esteem no good to bed a stranger after a night out. A friend of mine did just that and then spent the next fortnight wondering if the reason he hadn't asked fo rher number was because she was ruibbish in bed!
    Some scoff at the idea, but online dating has worked for people I know, you can build a relationship built on common interests and let things develop naturally. As someone else suggested, talking things over with someone might help you sort things out in your head a bit - I've gone before about something else and not told the whole trurth and definitely got much more out of the experience when I let it all out. yeah, I felt a bit daft at first, but you're paying someone to listen and counsel and they;ve always heard far worse stuff (so I told myself!).

    I hope you feel happier soon.
  12. I don't think going out and having a random one night stand is going to be a useful thing to do at all. I'm all for no strings sex but you have to have the mental strength to keep it as just that and not form any sort of attachment.
    As it would be your first time I doubt you would be able to avoid any sort of attachment and it will cause a lot of hurt in the long run.
  13. That only becomes a problem if you're looking for some kind of attachment, surely?
  14. I've known lots of people who claim they just want no strings with no attachment but I have always seen them end up hurt because they aren't capable of walking out of the door and leaving it there.

  15. If I were you I'd wait until you find someone you fall in love with and want to marry. I would consider it makes you highly marriageable to lots of men, because if you want to marry someone who a virgin when you meet, and don't manage it by your early 20s, you've normally lost your chance.
  16. I don't think a one-night stand is the ideal way to lose your virginity.
    I think you need to concentrate first on your problems with building up close relationships of any kind and take it from there.
    And you don't have to tell any potential sexual partner whether you have had sex before or how often and with how many, if you do not want to.
    I have honestly never been asked the question since I was a teenager. Take precautions, of course, but you don't have to list your whole life history.

  17. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Do you want to have sex, or make love?

    Big difference.
  18. Haven't read all replies but OP:

    My brother in law was a virgin before he met my sister. He was 39. They are now married with 2 kids. He is now 43. Just a little ray of hope for you :) I also agree with others - do you really want sex? Or just feel you should? Because, in my experience, whilst it's nice to be close to someone and can be exciting; it's also a big let down half the time :)
  19. Richie Millions

    Richie Millions New commenter

    I have never had a sexual relationship with anyone. I am asexual. The key to happiness on your own is being able to love yourself. Many are deeply unhappy and have had lovers in abundance. Enjoy whatyou have and look forward to what might be but do not let that become your sole focus.
  20. PS - I think more people should take the same moral stance you did as a teen :)

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