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I don't really know what advice to give in this situation.....(teen friendships)

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Doglover, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. My daughter is having a particularly difficult time with a friend at the moment, and has sought my advice on what to do, but my husband and I are both at a loss, about what advice to give.
    The 2 girls are 12. The friend can be very nice, is well-mannered, comes from what appears to be a lovely family, but she is really hard work. She is really, really sarcastic, always putting people down and constantly talking about herself. To be honest, I have seldom met such an opinionated 12 year old, and I am finding it increasingly hard not to intervene when she is constantlymaking sarcastic and negative comments about my daughter. I am trying to encourage my daughter to stand up for herself, and not accept the comments the girl is making.
    She is also very moody and huffy, and this is getting more difficult to manage as well.
    Just 2 weeks ago, she became very moody with my daughter. I was taking the girls out to sort out uniforms, and my daughter told her friend she couldn't see her that day. For some reason the other girl decided my daughter was not going out with me, but with a friend instead. She normally texts constantly, but didn't after my daughter said she was going out. They were supposed to be seeing another friend together the next day,and when my daughter texted to ask if they were still going as planned, the girl replied that she was and my daughter could do what she liked. My daughter asked her why she was being like this, and it then developed into a 2 day texting session about how hurtful it had been that my daughter asked her why she was being weird. My daughter suggested there had been some misunderstanding somewhere, and they should try to sort it out, but she told my daughter it was up to her to sort it. By now, my daughter was digging her heels in, and wanted an apology. I did check the texts my daughter sent, to ensure they were not cheeky, and although she was being honest, they were not cheeky.
    Eventually I suggested to my daughter, that it was apparent that neither was going to back down, and perhaps it would be the right thing to do, just to invite her round and move on.
    My daughter as most know has Asperger Syndrome, so was struggling with all this. In the end after a really major meltdown, about not knowing what to do, and being hurt and confused, she agreed to invite her over. Two days in a row, she said she was coming and didn't.
    Then eventually she did come, and after a while together they were fine.
    So last week, a friend of my daughter's from primary school, who was the only one o f a group of friends who didn't get into the same school, and who my daughter hasn't seen since Christmas, phoned her and asked her over as it was the girls 13th brithday. The new friend doesn't know her. My daughter was really pleased and went and spent the day with her on Wednesday.
    Then the silly behaviour from the new friend started again. She stopped texting, and any texts my daughter sent got a nasty reply. On Saturday, a group of friends, were supposed to come over to our house, but one had to cancel, so they decided to postpone until next week. My daughter told the friend that she could come over anyway, to which she replied shemight be going out - which was a bit strange as she was supposed to come over anyway :s My daughter left it that the friend would let her know next day. But again, she didn't text - which is very unusual. At teatime my daughter texted to say she assumed she wasn't coming over, to which the friend replied she had been out all day and had no phone.
    My daughter was really annoyed, so I told her not to text her back, and just to leave it - she has heard nothing since. Given that they normally send about 50 texts a day, this is unusual.
    My daughter has been seeing other friends so isn't sitting around waiting for her by any means, but it is annoying her, as she doesn't know what to do.
    My gut instinct is to tell her to leave it, as she really doesn't need all this negativity, and huffing and moodiness, but I know my daughter is probably thinking, that is going to be awkward when they go back to school in 2 weeks, if this goes on. She also knows that this girl could make life unpleasant for her at school, as she tells her side of the story.
    I don't see however why my daughter should always be the one running after the other, and making amends. We have given her the benefit of the doubt once, and moved on, for the same thing to happen a few weeks later.
    What would your advice be?
     
  2. My daughter is having a particularly difficult time with a friend at the moment, and has sought my advice on what to do, but my husband and I are both at a loss, about what advice to give.
    The 2 girls are 12. The friend can be very nice, is well-mannered, comes from what appears to be a lovely family, but she is really hard work. She is really, really sarcastic, always putting people down and constantly talking about herself. To be honest, I have seldom met such an opinionated 12 year old, and I am finding it increasingly hard not to intervene when she is constantlymaking sarcastic and negative comments about my daughter. I am trying to encourage my daughter to stand up for herself, and not accept the comments the girl is making.
    She is also very moody and huffy, and this is getting more difficult to manage as well.
    Just 2 weeks ago, she became very moody with my daughter. I was taking the girls out to sort out uniforms, and my daughter told her friend she couldn't see her that day. For some reason the other girl decided my daughter was not going out with me, but with a friend instead. She normally texts constantly, but didn't after my daughter said she was going out. They were supposed to be seeing another friend together the next day,and when my daughter texted to ask if they were still going as planned, the girl replied that she was and my daughter could do what she liked. My daughter asked her why she was being like this, and it then developed into a 2 day texting session about how hurtful it had been that my daughter asked her why she was being weird. My daughter suggested there had been some misunderstanding somewhere, and they should try to sort it out, but she told my daughter it was up to her to sort it. By now, my daughter was digging her heels in, and wanted an apology. I did check the texts my daughter sent, to ensure they were not cheeky, and although she was being honest, they were not cheeky.
    Eventually I suggested to my daughter, that it was apparent that neither was going to back down, and perhaps it would be the right thing to do, just to invite her round and move on.
    My daughter as most know has Asperger Syndrome, so was struggling with all this. In the end after a really major meltdown, about not knowing what to do, and being hurt and confused, she agreed to invite her over. Two days in a row, she said she was coming and didn't.
    Then eventually she did come, and after a while together they were fine.
    So last week, a friend of my daughter's from primary school, who was the only one o f a group of friends who didn't get into the same school, and who my daughter hasn't seen since Christmas, phoned her and asked her over as it was the girls 13th brithday. The new friend doesn't know her. My daughter was really pleased and went and spent the day with her on Wednesday.
    Then the silly behaviour from the new friend started again. She stopped texting, and any texts my daughter sent got a nasty reply. On Saturday, a group of friends, were supposed to come over to our house, but one had to cancel, so they decided to postpone until next week. My daughter told the friend that she could come over anyway, to which she replied shemight be going out - which was a bit strange as she was supposed to come over anyway :s My daughter left it that the friend would let her know next day. But again, she didn't text - which is very unusual. At teatime my daughter texted to say she assumed she wasn't coming over, to which the friend replied she had been out all day and had no phone.
    My daughter was really annoyed, so I told her not to text her back, and just to leave it - she has heard nothing since. Given that they normally send about 50 texts a day, this is unusual.
    My daughter has been seeing other friends so isn't sitting around waiting for her by any means, but it is annoying her, as she doesn't know what to do.
    My gut instinct is to tell her to leave it, as she really doesn't need all this negativity, and huffing and moodiness, but I know my daughter is probably thinking, that is going to be awkward when they go back to school in 2 weeks, if this goes on. She also knows that this girl could make life unpleasant for her at school, as she tells her side of the story.
    I don't see however why my daughter should always be the one running after the other, and making amends. We have given her the benefit of the doubt once, and moved on, for the same thing to happen a few weeks later.
    What would your advice be?
     

  3. I think you have said it yourself there Doglover.
    I know 12 yr old girls can be contrary and go off into mini-huffs over nothing at all. However, your daughter's friend isn't really behaving like a friend, is she?
    She is too much like hard work to be a friend. An adult would move on from her and not worry too much but I appreciate that your daughter will be worrying about what school will be like if this girl continues to be off-hand and sulky.
    Doglover, I'd keep your daughter as busy as possible and make other friends welcome. If her silly friend wants to play games let her. She will if she keeps getting a reaction from your daughter...so perhaps your daughter needs to throw out an invitation to come round and have lunch/a garden picnic/a DVD session or something and take it from there. She is being the sensible one.
    I'd have a word with your girl and tell her NOT to keep responding if her friend continues to be unreasonable and call all the shots.
    I do sympathise because I know things tend to be seen in a different light for many with Aspergers. I am sure you want to encourage your girl to have good friendships. This one however seems to be more trouble than it's worth in many ways and is causing untold anxiety for your daughter. All I can offer is that you guide her to do the right thing, to see the friendship as it is, but without taking sides too much...
    I also know that 12 yr old girls can be such hard work!
    Much sympathy...I hope the girls can resolve their differences, but it does sound as though your daughters friend is high maintenance and not worth the effort involved to keep her happy.

     
  4. My advice would be to stay out of it. Girls of this age are always falling out one minute and then best friends the next. Let your daughter deal with it. You don't really need to get involved.
     
  5. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Are they in (or approaching) Year 8 by any chance? I've always found that to be the year where children are the most obnoxious to each other for some reason, usually on a weekly rota basis where each child spends at least a week being picked on by their classmates. Non-stop snitching and bitching is Year 8 in my experience.

    I'd tell my daughter to walk away, forget texting, leave madam stroppy knickers to her own devices, and to only worry about school if she has to, after term starts. Between now and then she should develop the other friendships.
     
  6. Thanks AE, I think I just wanted some reassurance, that I was seeing things the right away.
    I am brutally honest, with my own two girls when they have done something to their friends that they shouldn't have - with the Asperger's I have to be. I know that my own daughter can be difficult at times, which is why the first time, I was willing to give the other girl the benefit of the doubt.
    This time however, I know the only thing my daughter has done is go and spend some time with an old friends.
    The girls that were coming over on Saturday past, are now due to come over this Saturday, and she is invited.
    There had been a few issues towards the end of school, and her mum brought her round to sort them out.
    I can be quite hard on my own children, and expect them to treat other people fairly, but there is a difference between treating people fairly and being walked upos yourself, if that makes sense.
     
  7. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    I haven't forgotten how hideous this stage was with my daughter and her friends. The thing that makes it worse today is the fact that they're all in CONSTANT contact what with mobiles and facebook etc.
    My advice? Crush the damned phone under your heel! [​IMG]
    Seriously though - I'm with the 'keep out of it' school of thought.
     
  8. Basilfawlty, I don't NEED to get involved, but she has sought help as she feels unable to cope herself - she has Asperger Syndrome, and being able to identify that she needs help in this area, is a positive thing.
    I don't want to be involved, but I want to help her develop the skills she needs to sort it out, so that next time she can do it independently. It's important she gest these things right, for her own sake.
     
  9. Seren, that last post wasn't to you :). You know we have discussed this before, and believe it or not, I have actually listened to your advice on many occasions and acted upon it, lol.
    I very much don't want the friend to think I am intervening, I want it to come from her. Having asked her how she feels, she says she is tired of it all, and it is making her stressed.
    I think she just wants reassurance, that not contacting her is fine, and she doesn't need to feel bad if that is what she chooses.
    I, in turn, needed the reassurance, that it was fine to let her do that, as I not so good at friendship myself :p
     
  10. Oh and Seren, I know what you mean about the phone.
    She is currently being texted non-stop by a young man from Glasgow, we met on holiday, lol!!He is in Ireland spending time with his cousins who we also met.
    Actually, in fairness, he is one of the most charming, well-mannered young men, I have ever met - his mother is of course from NI, which explains it :p
     

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