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I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Personal' started by charlene_bell, Aug 26, 2011.

  1. I don't really want to write this on here but I have no one else to talk to and I am pretty desperate.
    Two years ago I left all my friends, family etc to move across the country and live with my boyfriend. We've got a flat, a cat and both have jobs teaching. Although I've never made any friends of my own and at times have been really miserable about it I have on the whole been happy here.
    Today my boyfriend has told me he wants me to move out. He says he doesn't love me anymore, that he no longer finds me attractive and quite frankly I annoy him. This all stems from a really petty arguement but he has basically told me to get out now.
    I've stood my ground and told him I'm not leaving but the reality is I have no where to go. I have no friends to talk to about this. My two best friends live hours away and even if I could call them all they can do is say I told you so.
    Every time we fall out my boyfriend tells me he doesn't love me anymore and he wants me to move out. My confidence is shattered, I feel completely isolated from the world. He is literally all I have and without him I don't even see the point in carrying on.
    I have no idea why I have written here other than some deperate attempt to connect somewhere.
    Please if you do read this don't write any rude, sarcatic or disparaging comments because I really can't handle it
     
  2. I don't really want to write this on here but I have no one else to talk to and I am pretty desperate.
    Two years ago I left all my friends, family etc to move across the country and live with my boyfriend. We've got a flat, a cat and both have jobs teaching. Although I've never made any friends of my own and at times have been really miserable about it I have on the whole been happy here.
    Today my boyfriend has told me he wants me to move out. He says he doesn't love me anymore, that he no longer finds me attractive and quite frankly I annoy him. This all stems from a really petty arguement but he has basically told me to get out now.
    I've stood my ground and told him I'm not leaving but the reality is I have no where to go. I have no friends to talk to about this. My two best friends live hours away and even if I could call them all they can do is say I told you so.
    Every time we fall out my boyfriend tells me he doesn't love me anymore and he wants me to move out. My confidence is shattered, I feel completely isolated from the world. He is literally all I have and without him I don't even see the point in carrying on.
    I have no idea why I have written here other than some deperate attempt to connect somewhere.
    Please if you do read this don't write any rude, sarcatic or disparaging comments because I really can't handle it
     
  3. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    Why is it different this time?
     
  4. bizent

    bizent Lead commenter

    I was in your position four years ago.
    I thought I had nobody but it turned out I did and then from that I just made more friends.
    At the time I was like a lost soul - I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world but eventually I grew stronger and now look back and think I must have been a different person.
    Stand your ground. This doesn't have to be confrontational. Stay calm and state why you should stay put - if he can't be reasonable (and mature) then walk away. You won't lose anything and you will still have your dignity.
    It will break your heart, especially if you still love your partner (as I did mine) but for your self-worth it will make a ton of difference in the long-run.
     
  5. And you are with him for what reason exactly?! This is bullying behaviour and he seems to have done a pretty good job of isolating you from everyone so that you have no choice but to put up with it.
     
  6. Because he won't speak to me at all. There's no yelling or trying reason with him. He's just ignoring me and I can't see a way to fix it. I've apologised, I've tried to talk to him and he just won't have any of it.
    And I am now wondering how many times can you fall out before you just call it a day? I don't want our relationship to end. I love him desperately but I can't keep doing this.
     
  7. bizent

    bizent Lead commenter

    Walk away - he's expecting you to keep at him so that he feels in control - don't give him the satisfaction.
     
  8. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    Dear charlene, I am rubbish at giving advice but I do feel awful for you and I am sure you deserve so much better than this.
    Sending you kind thoughts.
    manny
     
  9. I have no advice to give really but didn't want to read and run so just wanted to say I hope it all works out for the best. xx
     
  10. i second that! Just thinking of you
    ((( HUG )))
     
  11. He knows this and is using it to his advantage. I think it's time to grow a backbone and leave him.
     
  12. Why doesn't he move out if he's so keen to end things? are you renting? if you are, and if I were you, I'd start looking for a place of my own and then give notice on your current place. if you've got a mortgage together, now is the time to start extricating yourself from it.
    Just as a bit of perspective, my partner and I have disagreements, but never have either of us said it's over, or that we didn't love each other - we have a sulk, or storm off, and have a think, then work it out. Do you love him? Does he love you? think carefully about these - if the answer to either is no, then the relationship is dead. Do you really love him or are you just stuck and lonely if you don't? and can you be ***** with this infantile behaviour? it would annoy me intensely to have to put up with this sort of ****. seriously, can you be bothered with it for ever?
     
  13. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    I think maybe you love what you wish he was or what you have imagined he has been all this time. The fact is that he isn't that person, so what you are loving is a fantasy. What you appear to have in reality is an unjind bully. I think you should get out ASAP. He is sapping your self esteem and you need to tell yourself that you are worth far more. You will be all right without him. We often think we won't, but we are much better when we leave and get our strength back. Be strong and believe in yourself. It is not a good idea to let another person become your world. Good luck.
     
  14. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    [​IMG]
     
  15. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Seriously, if he wants out then tell him to move out (unless the property is solely in his name, be it rental or mortgage).
    Some relationships do run their course, but he seems to want it all on his terms which is
    a) selfish and,
    b) unreasonable.
    You do seem to be hanging on to something that isn't there though, out of fear of being 'on your own'. Hope you don't mind me saying so. Not worth it.
    Whatever you do, I hope it works out for you.
    Now, go and give the cat a cuddle!
     
  16. I'm really sorry that you are going through a difficult time. It is easy to say leave him and get him out of your life but in fact you have made it clear you have strong feelings for him.
    To start with you need to sort out the living arrangements. Will he move out? Can you both live together until you find somewhere?
    You also need to understand that it is not ok for your boyfriend to treat you this way, to say that you are not attractive and ignore you. It is knocking your self-esteem, each time he does it he chips a little bit of you away.
    If you can bring yourself to do it you need to end the relationship for the sake of your mental health. Life will be worth living without him, you have a job, friends and family.
    ((((charlene_bell))))
     
  17. flickaz

    flickaz New commenter

    Option 1) Do you own the flat or is it rented? If you have a shared mortgage on it go to the bank and talk to them about getting yourself taken off it. Start looking at where you can rent for the same or similar money to what you're paying now.
    Option 2) Tell him if he wants out that badly then goodbye and he can be the one to leave.

    You've made a start by refusing to move out and you need to carry on standing up to him now. Don't let him bully you into any hasty decisions. If he wants to ignore you then fine. If you're best friends are really best friends they won't just say I told you so. They'll be another ear to llisten. Think about what you would say to them if the roles were reversed...chances are thats what they'll say to you.
     
  18. Thank you for all your lovely responces. Your all right and I do need to do something.
    The flat is rented so will be sticking to my guns about staying here as long as I need to. TBH neither of us could afford the flat without the other and he knows this so if he kicked me out he would be stuck too.
    Maybe I do need to accept it's over, it just seems like such an awful thing to consider. All I've wanted for the last 4 years is for us to get married and have a family together. Everything I've done uptill now has been about that and without him I feel like I'd be nothing.
     
  19. langteacher

    langteacher New commenter

    Am guessing that you weren't "nothing" before he came along so you won't be "nothing" without him.
    Good luck
     
  20. I think you should move out. Call the ****er's bluff, and shrug when he says he can't pay the rent.

    (Is there someone you can stay with until you find a place? Surely on a teacher's salary you can rent a small place of your own????)
     

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