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I am out of ideas, you guys got any please?!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by dogcat, Aug 23, 2011.

  1. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I have been with my partner for almost 2.5yrs, I have posted on here recently about the possibility of us splitting up. The main issue is the fact that he is just not sorting his life out as agreed when I moved up here.
    He needs a plan for what to do with his life, job etc. Here are the facts.......
    27 yrs old, very fit semi pro rugby player, very intelligent, has v.good GCSEs and A levels (ABB I.T, Economics, Russian), went to uni for 1yr hated it and returned home. Has lived at home ever since. Works for grandparents in their local cafe earning around 12-13k tops.
    Decided to go back to uni to do Sports Science, so did a foundation yr in Sept. Finished in May with good results (Chem, Bio and Maths modules ranging from 87-95%). Decided during the course that didn't want to do Sports Science, so changed to Nutrition.
    He now is back at the point where he does not know what to do!!! Uni have sent to letters to ask if he is taking up his place to which he has not responded. With no qualifications beyond A level and the foundation yr plus no work experience ever except the cafe his chances of getting a better job are pretty much zero. If he goes to uni (to be honest I think his place will be gone now) that is a lot of debt and at 31 he will come out with a degree, but still no definite job.
    His family would support him in anything he chooses to do (in my opinion they have 'supported' him too much and that is why he is in this mess - 12k + rugby money goes along way when you pay no rent!).
    I find it very hard to understand and get so frustrated, mainly as I did not have anywhere near the level of support he receives and was told not to go to uni by my mum and still went and am now a teacher in a TLR post. I have had to work **** jobs and work hard to get where I am now, like most of us and so I struggle with the fact that he seems to have no inner drive to do anything. He has wasted nearly a decade since he was 18, and now I fear it is to late for him to change.
    He is such a good bloke, and has so much potential and he is just rotting!
    So my question is, what can he do?! I cannot think of a job he can go into, is uni a good idea he is cetainly intelligent enough but he may be in the same position in 3yrs time.
    All advice very very welcome.
  2. My dad was very disappointed when I got my job as a support worker for teenagers with challenging behaviour and learning disabilities. He wanted me to use my degree but I was very happy in my job and it's something I've always been interested in. I'm not ruling out getting a job related to my degree at all-in fact, I have been looking up for details on how to train up in another area I'm interested in but it's not feasible at the moment due to personal circumstances. Sometimes you've just got to let people make their own decisions in life. I agree with the others-the change has to come from within your boyfriend-otherwise he'll end up even more confused about what to do like I do when everybody in my life is telling me about different career options.
  3. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Thanks daydreamer, I know it has to come from him but I think he has no clue at all as to what he wants to do. The problem is apart from the rugby coaching his only experience of work is at the cafe so he is going to struggle to ever find a job even if he decides what he wants to do.
    I do feel for him, I would not have a clue what to do if my teaching career was no longer an option and when he is so used to his life the way it is it must be terrifying to think of it changing. He did so well on the foundation course seems such a shame not to use it towards a degree in something he likes.
  4. Is it possible that he plans to take over his grandparents' business or that they plan to leave it to him? Maybe he has future plans or aspirations for the place but won't admit this to you because you would disapprove? He's worked there a jolly long time for someone who feels it is a dead-end job.
  5. Henriettawasp

    Henriettawasp New commenter

    How can he have 'wasted' a decade if he is a semi-pro rugby player? Surely this is something that he has achieved and enjoyed doing and which working for his family has helped him to do? Not everyone gets satisfaction from the job they are paid to do.
  6. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    (((((Mr Dogcat))))
  7. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    He does enjoy his rugby, but again could have played for better teams. He had a trial this summer which he never organised and then it was too late. He is talking about retiring this season because he gets the impression he won't start every single game.
    He has no intention of taking over the cafe, as his uncle is doing that. His mum tells me he used to text her saying how much he hated working there, and it is a very long time to work somewhere that you don't want to. The issue is that he takes his grandad in and back every day and takes him to do the shopping for the cafe, plus they have newspaper clippings up of his rugby things and to the old people that go in there he is like a mini celeb.
    As much as he wants more from his life the cafe is the only place he has worked ever, and I don't think he will ever muster up enough umph to leave.
  8. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    I think this whole thing is more about you than it is about him. You need to decide what you want for you, not what you want for him/think he should want for himself. There's no harm in drifting through life, you know, but if you want a go-getter then you need to move on and leave him to be who he is.
  9. Sorry I don't have any advice as such, but my brother is quite similar to your partner in some ways.
    He has just finished uni (he's only 21) and has decided that he is not interested in working in his degree subject anymore. My dad has worked very very very hard to build up his own (successful) business and over the years has always tried to get brother to join forces with him - but he's not interested in this either.
    He has recently been talking about going into the RAF or Navy (very out of the blue). Mum is not at all happy about this idea and is also trying to push him into going to work with dad but he is having none of it.
    To be honest I don't think he really knows what he wants to do, but knows what he <u>doesn't</u> want to do. He is not very academic and hasn't performed very well at uni, but he has always struggled with the academic side of things - especially as he has no drive. I keep telling mum to leave him to decide for himself and he will figure it out. However mum has made his life very easy so he might not feel too inclined to figure it out soon!
  10. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    There is no harm drifting through life if you are happy to do that, but he isn't. Before I was on the scene he used to tell his mum that he wanted to leave the cafe. If he said he was happy then fair enough, I have even said to him that he is clearly content and that is fine by me. He remains adament that he wants to 'sort himself out'. He has no idea how though. He has even banded around the idea of a business, although he doesn't know what sort!!!
    I am not going to keep waiting for him, and once I have moved out if he is still in denial about his lack of drive then we will split up because I cannot continue to watch him rot and say he wants better for himself and do nothing about it.
  11. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    That's me, that is! [​IMG]
    I spent a large portion of my life doing what I thought I should, to please/placate others (okay, my dad mostly) and to earn more money than I really needed and it made me rather miserable.
    Now I just pootle along, probably wasting my qualifications (such as they are) but am quite happy for the most part.
    If my dad were alive now, he would kick me right up the ****.
  12. It is sounding more and more like he doesn't really like his lot, but it is easy so he sticks with it. It is coming across as if he wants instant results without having to do any hard work or effort on his part to get there.
  13. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    He would happily put in the hard work and effort, he just does not know what to put them into!
  14. Crowbob

    Crowbob Senior commenter

  15. My old friend has a brother like this. He is 37 and lives at home. Since leaving uni at 31 (he has a degree in Economics) he has struggled to find a job, it took him over 18 months and the job he has found is admin work which is unrelated to his degree (fine). He works part-time and on his wage he just can't afford to rent on his own.
    His girlfriend who he has been with for around 10 years has stuck by him. I can't say why she has chosen to because I don't know her well.
    This guy complains he doesn't like what he does and that he wants a full-time job with a wage that would make moving out possible. He even goes for interviews around the country but he doesn't get the job. It's mostly because the other candidates are young and fresh from uni. The only work experience he has is summer work in a shop so basically he doesn't have much experience and he is old.
    You're boyfriend is still young in comparison, the danger is if he is in the same position as this guy in another 10 years.
    I'm not saying this guy can't be bothered to put the hard work or effort in now but he left it too late, he took too long to finish uni and he took too long to find a job after leaving uni. In the gap between his parents have supported him financially and by providing a roof over his head.
    What do you want from a relationship? What does he want from life? Think of these as separates.
  16. bnm


    It reads as if you value decisiveness, ambition and money-earning potential. These are not bad things to value, but I suspect mr dogcat has different values (his care for grandparents comes through, for instance).
    Does he consider that he has "wasted" 10 years?
    Either way, you can not change him or his values. If he changes it will because he wants to.
    Are you unhappy where you are living? Do you want to move back to your home? Which is the more important to you-being near him (as he is, not as you want him to be) or your family?
    In my opinion, who earns what and who pays for what is totally irrelevant in a long term relationship.
  17. bnm


    Having now read a couple of your other posts on personal at the moment, I am getting the impression that it is the amount he earns and your future financial position that is causing you concern. Perhaps this is something you need to discuss explicity as a couple.
  18. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    If he is at the height of his confusion things can only get clearer. Personally I would prefer that, to sharing my life with someone, who at 27, displays the height of clarity and focus . . . . .things can only remain at the peak for so long before change takes place . . . . and then what?
  19. I got to 28 before I knew what I wanted to do. I drifted through a distance learning degree (yawn) and had a baby, before realising that primary teaching was my thing and that I finally had the confidence to do it. Not everyone knows at 18 what they want to do, and it's blinking hard work seeing everyone else around you merrily marching on up the career path.

    My husband supported us both for 7 years while I worked part time in low paid jobs. On 12k your partner should certainly be able to contribute towards a mortgage, even if it is in your name. But if you're so unsure, try some time apart. Maybe you're just not the girl for him?
  20. I agree. My OH earns less than 12K and he contributes to the mortgage and bills which we split 50/50.

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