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Husband talking dirty on sex forums - I'm devastated

Discussion in 'Personal' started by byronipuss, Jul 31, 2011.

  1. Can anyone advise me? I've recently discovered (by accident) that my boyfriend has been 'making love' to women on a sex forum. It may only be 'virtual' sex but, to me, this is still a betrayal and I'm absolutely devastated. He describes in sickening detail what he is doing to them and becomes very intimate and even affectionate. He also tells one of these girls that he loves her and how special she is. He also writes to her in a Word document, building up this fantasy into something famazing. He tells her that she is beautiful and as he 'makes love' to her he stares into her beautiful bright blue eyes etc. He hasn't told me I'm beautiful or mentioned MY eyes for years. I really thought he loved me and only me. I just don't know what to do. PLEASE, has anyone else experienced something similar?
    Please?
     
  2. Can anyone advise me? I've recently discovered (by accident) that my boyfriend has been 'making love' to women on a sex forum. It may only be 'virtual' sex but, to me, this is still a betrayal and I'm absolutely devastated. He describes in sickening detail what he is doing to them and becomes very intimate and even affectionate. He also tells one of these girls that he loves her and how special she is. He also writes to her in a Word document, building up this fantasy into something famazing. He tells her that she is beautiful and as he 'makes love' to her he stares into her beautiful bright blue eyes etc. He hasn't told me I'm beautiful or mentioned MY eyes for years. I really thought he loved me and only me. I just don't know what to do. PLEASE, has anyone else experienced something similar?
    Please?
     
  3. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Senior commenter

    Is he your boyfriend or your husband?
     
  4. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    A fantasy, probably.
     
  5. Sorry, he is my boyfriend. I realised my mistake too late to change the heading. I initially put husband cos we've been together for so long,
    Thanks for answering. I realise it may just be fantasy but it's made me feel rotten and unloved and ugly and very old. It's also made me wonder what else he's been up to? He spends ages on the computer and I've always believed him when he said he's just working. However, it's obvious from all these messages that he spends a long time writing to these people. He certainly hasn't been investing anywhere near the same amount of time and effort with me. I feel just wretched - AND betrayed - fantasy or not. :(
     
  6. Then leave him. Unless you have absolutely no respect for yourself.
     
  7. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I didn't know it was possible to make love to women on a sex forum.
    I am not surprised you have found it hurtful and ickky. I would too. If he is keen to knock out a few fantasy documents perhaps he can be redirected into a more healthy path. Could he see if it is possible to be published? I think Black Lace Books might be somewhere to start.
     
  8. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    Rubbish! Why should the blame be one-sided?
    It takes two people to make a successful relationship. The OP's account is only one side of the story.
     
  9. Yes it does take two people to make a relationship and clearly this one isn't working.
     
  10. What?? You didn't remember you weren't married?
     
  11. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    Indeed. And I am offering the suggestion that if all were hunky dory at home, the OP's boyfriend might not feel the need to search for sexual gratification elsewhere.
    However, there is still only one account on which any posters can base their judgements.
     
  12. Exactly! Yet another one-side story that seeks our reassurance/pity/support etc
     
  13. Talk to him. Find out his reasons. See what he wants to do next. Then make a decision.
     
  14. We've only got your word for it that you're an adult member of the human race.
     
  15. lardylegs

    lardylegs Occasional commenter

    If this is true, your 'boyfriend' is saying that he'd rather fantasise about other women than make real love to you. So ditch him, he is a waste of space, not worth the wool he's knitted in. Do it tomorrow. Don't faff about, just sort it.
     
  16. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Despite being twice married I've never been confused about my marital status - I'd consider it to be rather careless not to be able to keep track.

     
  17. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Senior commenter

    Men think about sex every five minutes. Women not so often.
    It's the time spent on the computer thinking about it that is weird and not OK. We live in a permissive society, think Graham Norton kind of morality. But actually talking online to people is weird - oh no, wait, that is what I am doing........
    but watch out for this kind of computer activity and the Child Protection angle and so on. It could be that he uses bad websites and keep your laptop away from him.
    Men use all sorts of ****. It's on full display in shops now. We live in that kind of world. It degrades women yes. But we have lost the battle on this one.
    it's a pity your BF does not have a better imagination.
     
  18. stopwatch

    stopwatch Occasional commenter

    Byronipuss, if your husband were to come on this forum, what would he say? what would be his side of the argument?
    Has he told you why he is doing this? are you open enough to be able to hear what he would want to say?
    If you are going to be fair, it is probably important to know his side of the story
     
  19. Eva_Smith

    Eva_Smith Established commenter

    Am I missing something here?
     
  20. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Senior commenter

    Maybe you should present him with some **** mags and wink at him.
    If everything else is OK it might just be a hiccup.
    To women it is a slap in the face to think our partners could desire other people. But I rather think they do but they still come home to where there is some chance, in a pragmatic view of things.
    What he is doing is horrid but not so horrid as
    sleeping around, or using prostituted women, or being violent etc It is kinky - but in a 2011 kind of way.
    It all depends how often he does this and for how long. If it is taking over his life maybe things are not going to end well.
     

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