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Husband left me last week

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by diamondjane, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Wonderful to hear....but it is all down to you! You who sough advice, listened to it and di what was right for you !! Am so glad you didn't make it easy for him..... why should you.....I hope he chokes on his cake!

    A lovely read for this Sunday... all best wishes for you!! X and a hug.
  2. guinnesspuss

    guinnesspuss Star commenter

    Great to hear DJ. Onwards and upwards.
    diamondjane likes this.
  3. marlin

    marlin Star commenter

    Thanks for the update. So pleased that you are making your way onwards towards a new life. x
    diamondjane and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  4. skellig1182

    skellig1182 Established commenter

    Brilliant update. And you know what’s even better? You’ve only just begun the healing process! From now it will just keep getting better and better. It took me a good 1-2 years to completely rid myself of any emotion towards my ex. That first step when you realise you can be happier without them is amazing. Then it just builds and builds. You have wonderful times a head of you and things can only get better from here.

    Definitely get a puppy!!! Honestly, love at first sight. Dogs don’t let you down either!:)xxx
  5. sunshineneeded

    sunshineneeded Star commenter

    So good to hear that life is on the up, diamondjane - and lovely news about the new twins. Your positive attitude will ensure that things can only get better. Keep in touch xxx
  6. smurphy6

    smurphy6 Senior commenter

    Well done, my very best wishes to you and your future. Congratulations on the births of your new grandchildren.
  7. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Another one just posting to say 'Thank you' for the update and so glad things are looking more positive for you.
    lynneseptember and diamondjane like this.
  8. 7eleven

    7eleven Senior commenter

    Lovely to hear. I’d echo the getting another dog idea, when you’re ready. It’ll be company, give you a focus and be something new of yours that you haven’t shared with him.
    lynneseptember, Lalad and diamondjane like this.
  9. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    I'm so glad you are moving on with your life @diamondjane x
  10. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    So pleased to hear how well you are moving on.
    Lots of good wishes for the future.
  11. emerald52

    emerald52 Star commenter

    Congratulations on your grand twins and well done on dealing with such an unpleasant ex. Good luck!
    lynneseptember and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  12. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    And so the fight goes on. Sad that a marriage ends like this but I can now see how my husbands personality shaped both the years we were together and now the divorce process. I'm 90% sure that he's been economical with the truth about our (his as he sees it) finances and that he's got a lot more money stashed away than he's admitted to, but he will now have to declare it officially. I shall query it if it doesn't look right. This both angers me (because it means he's been secretive about money all our married life) and at the same time reassures me because I will be OK financially after a settlement.

    I saw him in the street the other day with his new 'girlfriend'. He looked old and she looked plastic. It didn't make me sad, although I'll admit it did just unnerve me a bit - pity they didn't just go and live in Outer Mongolia !
  13. lynneseptember

    lynneseptember Senior commenter

    I've been reading through this thread today and just wanted to say how much I admire your strength and fortitude. You are tremendous, and well done with how you are dealing with it. He's been a foolish man, but from what you have said, him going is probably the best thing for you ( though of course it wouldn't have seemed so when he dropped the bombshell).
    You have so many good things in your life: a supportive family, lovely grandchildren, good friends and lots of interests. When you are ready, as already said, getting a new dog will probably be a good thing to do, but I imagine you want to get the divorce and settlement out of the way first.
    Thank you for the updates. You are right to feel anger at his deceit over the finances, and I'm pleased to hear you say you are going to fight for all you are entitled to - he can't just walk away from 30 years of marriage and expect to not share what us due to you.
    Everyone here wishes you well, and so many posters have offered you very sound advice! :)
    suzuki1690 and diamondjane like this.
  14. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Thankyou @lynneseptember
    Your comment was very timely. I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself. It can still hurt if I allow it to. We are about to begin financial negotiations. I'm trusting my solicitor to help me achieve what I'm entitled to. I think he will try to control things but I'm feeling strong about it. I can't afford not to be at this stage in my life!
    It's probably not kind of me but I do wish the karma bus would come along and run them both over, but so far he's treating his new flame to a fancy lifestyle and she puts photos on Facebook (because she's a superficial attention seeker!). I am human after all - -and this is a safe place to rant !
  15. lardylegs

    lardylegs Occasional commenter

    I just came across your thread and was quite gripped by it. Well done on surviving the huge upheaval which has been thrust upon you.

    I do have one niggling doubt though.... you said he's done this before and you took him back. In about 18 months it's quite likely that his new relationship might buckle under the strain of being on his best behaviour all the time with Plastic Pamela. That is when he may come crawling back, whining about how stupid he has been and what a fool he was etc. Will you be able to deal with it?
  16. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Oh yes @lardylegs I most definitely will, and that will be when the karma bus finally pulls into the bus station !
    Yes, this has happened before, but I was in a totally different place back then with two small children and I never processed WHY it happened. This time I've had counselling and really looked at the reasons. He is a narcissist (I never realised). He needs a 'supply' to make him feel good. He doesn't LOVE people, he just likes how they make him feel. This is why he blames my for the breakup. I didn't make him feel good anymore because, god forbid, I had a life with hobbies and passions of my own and he couldn't handle that ! He also retired from work and the kids left home - two sources of supply that dried up on him. So Plastic Pamela is working it right now. Left her husband, showing him adoration. Making him feel 'loved'. But he won't love her, and soon he will begin to devalue her also like he did me - for years. So that he can be top dog and the best at everything.

    It's been a fascinating journey for me to see all this now. I still have to recover and get my sense of self worth back. The wobbles I get are because he even tries to devalue me now, invalidating my feelings "you didn't love me anymore", putting his own spin on what happened, trying control the finances. Narcissists will NEVER take any blame or responsibility. He will never accept that what he did was wrong and cruel. When this relationship goes wrong it will all be Plastic Pamela's 'fault'.

    Once I have the settlement I shall have nothing more to do with him - self preservation. And yes, that is when he will want back in!
    If anyone out there needs any help and advice about the narcissist in their life, I'm pretty clued up now!
  17. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    I've just re-read the whole thread. Gosh, I've come a long way since December! There is still a lot of emotion about it all in me, but I'm working through that.
  18. skellig1182

    skellig1182 Established commenter

    Human is exactly it. Separating from a loved one after such a long time is a bereavement and there will be stages to go through. It’s one of the hardest things you can go through and your doing so well. It takes time. It took me a good 1-2 two years to go most days without thinking about that person and that was a 12 year relationship so not at as long as yours. It will take at least that amount of time to completely get over it and find yourself on the other side.

    One thing I can say is, the other side is bliss, so much better than what you could imagine. It’s freedom...freedom from the pain this has all caused. It was up and down for me at first, 2 steps forward, 1 step back all the way. I’m so thankful for how everything turned out in the end. I didn’t realise it but it was meant to be. I went on to meet someone else, have a better life. I can’t say it enough but it will get better and better. There will be a day when you don’t think about them at all. You will never really forget what they have done, but you forgive and move on, you stop caring. You become too busy in your new life. You will get there. Just be lovely to yourself. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. You deserve it. When you’re ready, make sure you block them out of your social media. Photos trigger all sorts of feelings and emotions. Once the financial side of it is over, it will be much much easier.

    lynneseptember likes this.
  19. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Thankyou for your positive comments @skellig1182.
    I'm doing all the right things to get to a better place and I'm optimistic for my future. It helps to hear other people's success stories! There are already things I love about my new life. I've discovered TV I like to watch, foods I like to eat, and I can take up whichever invitations I choose, whilst declining those I don't want to do!
    Yes there are wobbles, but I know that's normal and I'm expecting those to continue for a while.
    I've already deactivated my facebook account. We had too many mutual friends and I kept seeing their jolly little comments on our friends and family posts. People tell me they haven't actually been brave enough to post photos of the two of them yet, or to indicate they are attending things together. People are generally disapproving of the way they went about things and I think they've been made aware of that. Hence they keep a low profile, thank goodness.
    Once the financial settlement is done I shall delete all the text conversations we've had since he went - which I am currently keeping as they lean towards coercive control.
    The future is bright I think. Just a few more humps to get over
  20. lynneseptember

    lynneseptember Senior commenter

    I think you are wise to keep those texts for the time being.
    There’s bound to be wobbles, but you are strong. You’ ve been incredible so far. Keep the future in your sights! :D
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.

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