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Husband left me last week

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by diamondjane, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Remain strong. I am wary that he is "angry" because he didn't temper in how a divorce would affect his "assets". Alas it seems to me he very much thought he would have cake and eat it. I don't mean this in a spiteful way but in a way that is fair to you. Alas divorce courts pay no heed to "fault" in a marriage break up these days and you have to be in the real world where it is harsher to be an older. less well-off female. You really do need good financial advice so you can salvage as much as is your due and so you can have the freedom to start a new life which he has lumped you with.
    Do do 'keep your nerve' because you will need to. I did get a bleat of 'but we would have been so comfortable in retirement' - well I am still ok helped by accessing my teacher pension at 60 and working on but.... my pension isn't all that great at 25 years ish of contribution but it has been supplemented by my working on and from lowish rental income from 2 small properties left to me by my mother. That was the one thing I was immoveable on during the divorce as I wanted to be able to leave them to my daughters. We bought him a small 2 bed terraced house on separating, putting a half cost deposit down from joint savings and taking out a £25K ish mortgage - which I paid for 2 years. We had then divorced and he sold that house pocketing the £20K profit whilst he moved across to Yorkshire. He did resent that I kept the 2 houses..... and what a good job it was that I did or wife no 2 would have them too.
    I think it is significant that your children are aware without you having to outline any detail. I don't think I would have sought my divorce when either my mother was still alive or my girls had been younger. My younger was 19 when we split and away at Uni (funded 90%+ by me)
    All I can say is remain resolute. Let him get angry but you can remain calm and decided. Am afraid it speaks volumes about him that he thought he could prob ride roughshod over you to cushion his future. I think you have done really well in quite a short space of time and you should be really proud of yourself!
     
    suzuki1690 and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  2. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Can't really say much more than to repeat what Helen has said so well. Remain strong. And do not weaken.
     
  3. skellig1182

    skellig1182 Established commenter

    How are you getting on?xxx
     
  4. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Hi @skellig1182
    I'm feeling ok much of the time now. The next challenge is to sort out the finances. He organised another viewing on the house even though I've said I won't accept any offer until the financial settlement is in place. He is clearly not 'hearing' me and is determined to plough on at his chosen speed. I have the backing of my solicitor though, and the doctor, to slow it all down and work at my pace not his.
    I feel generally less sad because he has shown some true colours which have made it easier to accept not being with him. Most people I talk to think he's behaved very badly - as has she! I don't think it will end well for them, but that is no longer my concern. I can see a future now and have already picked up a few new friends from my aquaintances. I went back to the gym this week for the first time since it happened and also did my voluntary jobs properly and with enjoyment - not like a zombie!
    It's my birthday on Friday and I'm going out with all three kids, their partners and my grandchildren. I feel very blessed to have such a lovely family.
    Everyone says it's the best thing that could have happened to me and that my life is going to take off from now on. I believe them. I'm growing and developing all the time. Whereas he was stuck and he's just brought somebody new into his stuck world.
     
    lardylegs, emerald52 and HelenREMfan like this.
  5. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Make sure you keep your solicitor apprised on everything and possibly contact the viewing agent and see if it's possible to refuse a viewing and ask them to contact your solicitor.

    From the other point of view we had a male friend, who had to delay the divorce at the insistence of her solicitor as she developed breast cancer and it was considered she shouldn't have the unnecessary extra worry of having to deal with the divorce or sale of the house. Took 3 years before they were able to move forward with the divorce.
     
  6. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Thankyou @Lara mfl 05
    So far I've left it in the hands of the Gods and the two viewings we've had haven't been followed up. I'm becoming more ready to move now physically and mentally. Once I'm assured of my future income I'll be up for selling the house and getting a little place of my own.
    I've accepted that my husband is not going to consider my needs in anything. He is something of a narcissist without the personality disorder. Basically, only sees things from his own point of view and is living in his own story. I wasn't 'feeding' his ego enough so he's moved on to someone else who is. The classic behaviour is that he will want to come back once the new 'supply' isn't serving him well enough. This is what happened to us before. I can see it now! But this time I'm going to be the 'one who got away'. Narcissistic people are notoriously difficult to deal with in divorce though so I'm going to have to be careful. He's gaslighting me into thinking I'm the 'bad guy' but my counsellor is helping me to hold it together.
     
  7. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Keep strong diamondjane.:)
     
  8. skellig1182

    skellig1182 Established commenter

    So hard and gaslighting is a very shallow tactic/form of abuse and shows you that you are above him and deserve so much more. I hope you get everything you can and more. Take your time and try to postpone as much as you can. I believe that we take our selfish actions to our death beds. One day he may develop a conscience and think about his selfish actions. I hope you rise and propsper and he doesn’t! xxx
     
  9. 7eleven

    7eleven Senior commenter

    Best wishes OP. One piece of advice I’d give is to not allow him the opportunity to gaslight you. Have as little communication with him as you possibly can.
     
    suzuki1690, emerald52 and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  10. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    @7eleven - This is exactly what my solicitor said today. I have already reduced conversation to practical things.
    We share the dog. He brings her on a Friday and picks her up on a Monday. But I can ask him to leave her in the garden without coming to the door if things become difficult. I think they will - because I'm going to tell him that we have to take the house off the market until we have reached a financial settlement. It'll be for a few months that's all, but it will slow things down and allow me to get to a better place emotionally before I have to face moving. I also need to know exactly how much money I will have before I commit to buying a property.
     
    suzuki1690, emerald52 and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  11. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Exactly @diamondjane ... you need to know all that and you must not allow him to rush you along. You might miss the odd trick as you go. Does the woman he has taken up with work? Is she younger? As in will she have still quite a substantial working life? If so they will have 2 salaries til he retires whilst you won't til you meet MrMuchNicer! Plus you won't want to be moving every 5 minutes so your next property choice is to suit your needs for the future and you want it to be right. Just because he has decided the grass is greener on his fence side doesn't mean you should relinquish any wishes you might have. I like the sound of your solicitor - keep listening to them!
     
  12. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Ha @HelenREMfan - my solicitor is great. She really reassured me about what I need to do next and what I can reasonably ask for.
    My husband is retired also, but could work again if he chooses. I think he might have to, to give his new woman the life she's accustomed to! She's a lot younger and still working so he'll need something to do with his days anyway.
    I would like to meet Mr MuchNicer one day. Everybody thinks I will
     
    Lara mfl 05 and HelenREMfan like this.
  13. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    It reminds me of a close student day friend. She married shortly after leaving education - he was a little older - quite driven. They did well..moved upwards house wise, gained insurance policies, bought prints, fine, collectable wines. Then..... she had their child. Oh and who could not cope with a rival for his attention etc? Within 12 months he had found a young.... conniving (English) teacher at his school with whom he started an affair. My friend was gutted. I can say it wrecked her life for quite some time but thankfully she had good legal advice and did not allow him to get away with anything. She didn't have another relationship for quite a long time - years - her choice but she is now happily remarried.
    The karma though...the canny English teacher..... obviously seeking a way out of our punitive profession..... got herself pregnant....not once, not twice,...but 3 times ! :) Successfully making sure that this foolish man was saddled with lots of responsibility for a long time......the spread of children' ages saw to that. So shunning his first child who he viewed as wing clipping etc..... he ended up in a fairly ordinary semi surrounded by nappies and a determined not to have to work younger wife. My friend remained in the countryside cottage - 3 knocked into one renovation, MG car in the garage as a project, a rising, successful career ending as Head of Faculty with good pension, a well - balanced and lovely young man she raised with a good career and prospects, and financially really quite well off. I am not playing down the mental distress he gave her. The deceit hit her so hard but.... karma worked (and even better..... the ex aged very quickly, looking an old man before his time and he got saddled with the very thing he looked to escape from. Result! )
     
  14. skellig1182

    skellig1182 Established commenter

    You are so strong and brilliant. You just put yourself first and it’s good you have lots of support. Some people are utterly selfish. My ex was and always will be. He left he for a much older woman and then pestered me once I met the actual love of my life. He probably has lots of women on the side now. He always did.

    Hopefully your ex’s partner will leave him once she realises and he will be left on his own. Some people deserve to be alone so that they realise the value of people.

    Keep in touch and we are all here to support and listen whenever you need. Xxx
     
  15. guinnesspuss

    guinnesspuss Star commenter

    Happy Birthday and may the next years be brighter.

    I've read how much stronger and more resolved you are and just wanted to add my best wishes to those who have more experience and wise words.
     
    diamondjane and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  16. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Thankyou everyone.
    I had a lovely birthday and there was only one small part of the day when I thought of my husband and was sad about what has happened. Now it's the weekend and I have the dog here with me. It's all good x
     
  17. sunshineneeded

    sunshineneeded Lead commenter

    diamondjane, I've just caught up with this thread - you are doing briliiantly! So glad you had a good birthday - the start of another happier, calmer and better year in your life. Your solicitor sounds really on the ball, keep seeking and taking her advice. I think moving house will be a very positive move for you, but you're right - it can't happen until the financial situation is signed and settled. So glad you are also meeting new people. Much as I loved and needed my close friends after my divorce, there was something very refreshing and 'easy' about making new ones who had never known him and never known me as part of a couple and didn't sometimes seem to be treading on eggshells in case they upset me!
    Keep strong and keep us updated x
     
    diamondjane and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  18. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    From what has been said our lovely OP will be much better off without this draining, non-supportive child she had married.
    All good luck moving forward as she deserves it.
     
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  19. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Ah @HelenREMfan - I have no desire for him to be back in my life now. At last that feeling has gone! The house is now off the market until we reach a financial settlement. He is very unhappy about that, but he dropped this bomb into my life and now has to take the consequences. I want the next stage done properly and I have to trust that I will come out of it financially secure.
     
  20. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Just a little update for all the lovely people who supported me when I was in a really bad place.
    Things have moved on a bit. We have started the legal process to divide our assets. My husband was angry and tried to get me to do things his way - but I have stuck to my guns, taken advice from a solicitor and I'm going to claim half of ALL our marital assets which includes some savings which he considers to be HIS just because they happen to be in premium bonds in his name. Our finances have been entangled for so long that any court would just divide them half each anyway. He now realises this, having taken advice and it's all gone quiet (thank goodness).
    I've given up the dog. It was too painful to keep the contact with my husband for the sake of handing over a dog every week. I miss her but I don't miss the opportunity it gave him to control the handover timings and be horrible to me about it. I've kept all the useful things in case I decide to get a dog of my own one day.
    My life on a day to day basis is good, I have friends. I have voluntary work. I was blessed with baby twins last week - a grandson and a granddaughter, doubling my brood to four. I've been offered the opportunity to train up and have a paid job at my gym. It's a lovely, ladies only Gymophobics gym (if anyone's heard of that). I'm going on the training in May. The weather is picking up and that makes everything better!
    I still have wobbles. I'm not ready to see my husband around with his new blonder, younger flame. He's pressuring the kids a bit about it and they are upset about that. They really don't want any part of his new relationship, although they keep in touch with him separately. Most of our aquaintenances now know what's happened and nobody has said anything other than what a cruel thing he did and what a stupid man he is. That made me feel better !!
    So it's onwards and upwards. I'm still having counselling which helps tremendously and I'm taking it one day at a time.
    Thanks to all of you who replied in my hour of need. Such a lovely bunch of people on TES. Best wishes xxx
     

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