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Husband left me last week

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by diamondjane, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Thankyou @Lalad
    How does one become good friends with the ex? I wish I could still have my husband's friendship but because I feel so hurt by his actions, that doesn't seem possible. It means I've lost both a friend and member of my family when I lost my husband. That part just seems so unfair when we'd had so long together. It should be possible as we are both mature adults with a long history but seeing him at the moment is stirring up too much emotion. Is it just a time thing?
    pepper5 likes this.
  2. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Not Agaiin! That's 3 times tes has lost my post.

    Oh (((diamondjane))). Only just spotetSo sorry you're having to go through this.
    Just take your time to regroup and fnd out what you want for your future.
    Not Agaiin! That's 3 times tes has lost my post.

    Oh (((diamondjane))). Only just spotetSo sorry you're having to go through this.
    Just take your time to regroup and fnd out what you want for your future.
    diamondjane likes this.
  3. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Right have closed all apps and restarted computer.

    As stated I'm truly sorry this has happened to you. I've seen it several times with men 'of a certain age', who seem to want to just 'start over'. It's still too raw at the moment, but yes it may be possible to 'remain on friendly terms' at some point in the future.

    However the main priority for you is to decide how you want your life to be 'down the line'. Take your time to grieve the death of your marriage and rethink / regroup your energies and allow yourself to 'feel what you feel' without any guilt.
  4. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    It took nearly seven years and has coincided with him accepting his mental health condition and adjusting his attitude accordingly.but it might have been harder if he had left for another woman. It's also to do with the kids - they were in their early to mid teens when he left and had no contact with him for all that time, so he missed a lot of their formative years.

    They are still a bit wary and mistrustful of him, but that is understandable given what happened, which was all quite traumatic at the time. Nonetheless, when they come back to see me, we usually meet up with him and it's like talking to a friend rather than a partner - he comes for Christmas lunch too, which can be difficult at times as it brings back memories but we decided as a family that it would be worse knowing that we were all together, and he was on his own twenty minutes away!
  5. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Thankyou @Lalad
    That all sounds very grown up. As you say - difficult when my husband has left for someone else. Too much hurt in the way really. I can't think I will want to be anything other than civil and ok with him - and that will take time. It makes me sad to think like that but why hurt myself more.
    My own parents split in similar circumstances when I was 18. It was a long time before my Dad could be in the same room as my Mum and her husband (the man she left him for). My brother and I struggled with it too. I didn't want this for my own family.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  6. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    @Lara mfl 05
    That's lovely advice. Thankyou. I think that's the point I'm at now. Lots of cryIng but it has become less traumatic. I'm grieving for what was, what might have been, what should have been, what I've lost. No time limit. Just however long it takes. And I have lots of people holding me while I do it.
    emerald52 and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  7. sunshineneeded

    sunshineneeded Star commenter

    @diamondjane, I hope you have managed to get through Christmas - I'm quite sure it wasn't easy. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending very best wishes for 2019. I hope the new year brings you strength, peace and - somewhere along the line - new happiness.
    diamondjane likes this.
  8. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Would like to endorse sunshineneeded's thoughts and wishing you positive thoughts as you move into a new year.
    The future may seem a little frightening just at the moment I'm sure, but hopefully that 'blank page' won't seem so frightening once you've got something on it. ;)

    EDIT I was 'inspired' to write that last comment by this post which I've now found.
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2018
    pepper5, Mars99, jomaimai and 3 others like this.
  9. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    Christmas came and went. It was ok in parts. I've been on auto pilot much of the time. I'm sure I'll not remember much at all from December. Tonight is New Years Eve and I feel more optimistic of a happy future. My kids have been amazing, considering they are hurting too. I have lovely friends and many independent activities waiting to be picked up again. My head is around what has happened and what now 'is'. There is still some grief and withdrawal, but I'm managing it. And I WANT to get through it, which is the first step to being able to actually DO it. Best wishes and Happy New Year to all xx
  10. smurphy6

    smurphy6 Senior commenter

    Best wishes for 2019 diamondjane.
    jomaimai and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  11. sunshineneeded

    sunshineneeded Star commenter

    diamondjane, so glad you are slowly feeling stronger. Your post sounds so much more positive. Continue being kind to yourself, take strength from friends and family and take it one day at a time. As the first day of 2019, today really is the start of a new chapter in your life. x
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  12. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Only just caught up with this and I too hope you have coped with Christmas etc. Well done shout to your family.
    Practicalities ---- you have absolutely no need to make life easy for him and please don't. My hard earned advice is you put yourself first in any dealings with him. Please please make sure that you have sound legal advice about your finances. Do NOT be "fair" - you do not have a crystal ball and do not know how long you have to have strong finances in place. You are entitled to the retirement you got - whether it came earlier than you expected or not. I don't know whether your pension/lump sum is better than any deal he has with his retirement planning, presuming he had any. If he has good provision then you should surely be due some measure of it - a cushion to protect you for the years when you were bringing up your family whilst your pension didn't accrue similar to his. Please don't ignore that - or you might end up like me with an ex who remarried and his 2nd wife of 6 years has his pension (he died) and she says he died intestate ie has left nothing to his natural children from our marriage. She has acquired all my "fairness"! No one knows what lies around the corner. He made his choice and there should be a cost to that which means you suffer as little as possible financially. Your temptation might be to let all that go as he has swanned off but I say to you..... be careful, do not play the martyr - play the financially savvy !
    You are doing so very well with this situation, now take a deep breath and look after no 1. He has made his choice - make sure he learns that it comes with a cost.
  13. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  14. LawCitizenshipPHSE

    LawCitizenshipPHSE New commenter

    Totally agree with this 100%.

    Also @diamondjane - wish u all the best. Stay strong.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  15. dunnocks

    dunnocks Star commenter

    Happy New Year xx
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  16. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    @HelenREMfan - I just came to this realisation myself this week and I've now got a solicitor who comes with a recommendation from a friend. I need the financial support from his pension so there will be no temptation to pull back on any entitlement I'm due. He's not happy because I just don't think he'd thought that part through. But I'm 60 next year, and already drawing my teachers pension which, of course is less than a full one because I was a stay at home Mum for a number of years as many of us were in our day.
    Yesterday was also the first day I felt 'well'. I'm exhausted but not full of sadness anymore. It's going to be OK, I can feel it now. It's a much better place to be.
    psycho-mum and emerald52 like this.
  17. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Am glad to hear it @diamondjane .... i flew in the face of advice from my solicitor as I just wanted to get divorced and I did feel guilty because I sought it and he didn't want it. He had said to me I had a better pension than him..... dont think that was true.... as I only accrued 25 years or so.... Plus tough excrement that he hadn't thought through the implications of the position re pension. He moved to 'pastures new" why should you suffer ? I presume from what you said that your children are adult now - he will want the family home sold to finance his new pastures, make sure you keep what you want to keep. Do you know your joint financial position? I hope you do. I hope he hasn't been quietly salting some away - there is a strong chance he might in view of the fact of this new relationship he has started. When did he start it ? Do you know? If it were some time ago then he might have been squirrelling money away. I shared the money from my mother's estate with mine.... put it in the joint account so he did quite well out of me. Add to that the £45K investment in our house that my mother made and again he did well. I even agreed when we split financially that the shares we had bought (but which were in his name) shouldn't be sold at that time as it wasn't a good time. A while after the divorce I asked I'm about them to be told tersely to study my divorce agreement. That said anything in sole names after the finalised divorce should remain with that person. So much for my being nice!
    A word of warning about your children - my ex remarried to someone who had nothing much. He bought the cottage they lived in and paid for its renovation. Granted she kept on her part time job. The ex gave up work soon after our divorce and got a £30K+ redundancy (which I didn't make any claim on - I can still hear my solicitor sighing) He would have been about 58 and he didn't work again living on his early accessed pension and savings. Anyway he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and given 18 months. He lived a little over 2 years. He told his daughters he had made provision and 'looked after them" That was either a bare faced lie or he didn't give two hoots about them as his widow said he died intestate. Part of me didn't want to believe that as he wasn't financially stupid and dying intestate can be a right pain for a dependent to have to deal with. The day after she told my elder girl that they had agreed - he and her, that she would leave half the cottage to our girls. Yeah yeah..... like that would happen. She has already sold it and downsized to a bungalow so realising I reckon about £80K. So...... if your husband remarries after any divorce and his 2nd wife would be his beneficiary unless he made another will with his precise wishes outlined.
    Am so glad that you are looking to other plans .... you have done so well in what has been a really rather short time. To be honest one of the 2 main reasons I sought the divorce was that I did not think I could bear him being at home retired. His main hobby was his beer drinking.... and I had had enough of that. There wasn't anybody else involved for either of us at that stage and I was quite certain off alone.
  18. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    @HelenREMfan Thankyou for all your insight and for sharing your very difficult story.
    Sadly he only took up with the new woman after he started talking about separation in September - and I really believe that. He was adamant he wanted to find somebody new and start again from the outset and she just dropped in his path at that point. I think she saw a golden opportunity to escape her own unhappy marriage and he saw it as a heaven sent chance for happiness. He's fairly transparent and I know him better than he knows himself! If he'd stuck with a trial separation I think he would have seen our marriage as worth saving. There was definitely enough friendship and deep care for each other. It had just lost something along the way. But his head was turned and now it's too late. I can see a happy future for me without him now, happier than with him probably!
    So no I don't think there's anything sneaky gone on with finances. He's spent a lot on our house and on the kids (helping them with house deposits) and he's regretting that now as money is going to be tight going forward. We only have the house and the pension pots to deal with so it's not that complicated. I'm not allowing the house to be sold until it's decided how to divide things because I may need to have a larger share to offset his pension. He really thought we would sell immediately, have half each, both buy new and he would bung me the 'housekeeping' money every month like he always has done. Then we would get a cheap '2 year apart' divorce down the line. It's been an unexpected shock to him. But as I explained to him it was an unexpected shock to me that he was already with someone new! Karma maybe.
    Best wishes xx
    pepper5, suzuki1690 and emerald52 like this.
  19. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Am a little more relieved having read about your finances. I must have sounded very grasping in my post but my ex's actions have severely impacted on my kids. Well on the elder who was somewhat fragile anyway. My younger daughter plays it a little closer to her chest but I do know she was very hurt by the fact that her father never visited her in the couple of houses or flats she rented as homes in London ( I drove down one Oct half erm when I realised she was feeling a bit down and the dreadful M25 jams I hit on that Friday night did for my poor old Mondeo!) The girls always had to make the effort to maintain contact. In that really he was never ever any different as in it was always me who made meet up arrangements with his friends; as a bloke with 3 sisters he was used to sitting back and having everything done for him. However the elder girl, on limited finances, would make the effort to go up to N Yorks where he had relocated to from the NW and she and her partner would camp whilst visiting her dad and wife no 2. She arranged with him to spend a day at Whitby all together but when she came back I learned that didn't happen because he went with wife to see her daughter (something that happened at least weekly) My girl was very hurt and cross about that. So with a couple more examples of my ex at his most selfish and unthinking the fact that he in effect cut them out financially (and they did know how much he benefitted from money my mother invested in our family) and that his widow with 4 kids of her own + grandchild and even great grandchild - the likelihood of them ever seeing anything was remote. They were never offered anything belonging to him..... (that included much of our joint vinyl collection which he sifted through and took what he wanted - no discussion, and photos too!) She gave the elder girl a telescope - I actually bought it.... he used it maybe 5 times each time when nearly blotto, and the younger a now framed Private Eye print which had it never been (badly) stuck to various walls with sellotape and hence suffering rip, and crease damage - might have been worth something but in reality it had no personal value to the younger girl - it was prob obvious that the wife didn't want it. The lasting effect of all that (plus the fact that they paid towards his funeral - that included me as I paid the elder's contribution as she didn't have it!) is they feel he wasn't bothered about them. I - wonder whether it was a way of getting back at me..... but he has done quite some damage - esp to the elder. As is obvious I have some anger re that. So, yes I am a little touchy on the effect a separation can have on family. I renewed my will making sure both hubby no 2 and my daughters are looked after. They all know exactly what is in my will, where it is lodged etc. An irony is that MrREMfan has made provision for my girls - they are his beneficiaries - ironic isn't it that he should look out for them more than their own father. I know that after my demise he could change that and that if he remarried it would change things but my girls are getting what is fair. They are fine with things. I am pretty sure that they will look after MrREMfan too.... they are very fond of him as he is of them.
    I think you seem to be on the right track financially..... just keep taking advice from folk who know..... I allowed the ex marital home to be undersold as he insisted it should be sold by auction and it didn't go well. You need to realise as much capital as possible. You are entitled to the retirement you were expecting financially..... now too you can start thinking of things you maybe hadn't considered doing. I chose to keep working. Am 68 this year but work part time.... quite well paid and ...it contributes massively to very nice cruises :) The only snag about marrying someone near 10 years younger is that he has a way to go to retirement so on days when I wistfully think how nice it would be if this bungalow were on Anglesey with a sea view and my striking distance from the sea..... it isn't going to happen.
  20. diamondjane

    diamondjane Occasional commenter

    That all sounds truly awful. You just can't predict how life is going to work out can you! I really hope my husband remains loyal to his kids.
    I've had another reasonable day. Walked the dog with friends and had a brew with my son. Felt a little sad this evening as it's Saturday night and I know he's out wining and dining the new woman. He's angry with me because I've given him a heads up about the division of assets and it's not what he had planned. I'll have to hold my nerve because I think he will turn nasty in an attempt to get his own way.
    It's sad that the marriage has ended and I'm grieving for what might have been, but my son thinks I'm better off without him. He's been a self centred man most of the time and even the kids see it. I think my life will open out for me now. There's still a bumpy bit to get through but then I will be free to do whatever I like!

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