Husband left me last week

Hi everyone,
I didn't know which forum to post this in but I just hoped some of you lovely people would see it on here. I'm needing all the support and positivity I can get right now because my husband of 30 years has just left the family home and moved into a rental with one of our 'friends'. I am heartbroken.
We had been struggling a bit since retirement but I really thought we would get over the hump and be OK. Seems he was already deciding that the only way for him to be happy again was to ditch his old life and have a fresh start with someone else. The fact she is a friend we socialised with makes it even more hurtful - she left her husband of 25 years, 2 days after my husband got the keys to the rental.
I have got plenty of family and friends to support me and some who have been in this position promise me it DOES get better. But right now I am broken and in pieces. If he walked through the door and said he wanted to try again I would say yes - even after everything.
Part of the problem is he did this once before (I know I know ) same scenario, 25 years ago, a friend. He came back after 16 months and we had 20+ very happy years. I have a wonderful stepdaughter from that period apart. He just can't work at it when we hit a rocky patch and bails out instead.
Even writing this down has helped me. Thankyou to anyone who has read it through xxx

 

Oh bless you. You sound really strong and together.

Regarding your husband. Some people run away when things get tough. He’s obviously always had these issues and has a way of dealing with it.

What will be will be so just allow things to unfold and see where it goes. Surround yourself lovely self with your friends and family and take each day at a time. It does get better. Have you got family and friends to spend time with over Christmas? xxxx

 

I can't offer any better advice than @skellig1182 but didn't want to read and run. I'm so very sorry that you are in this situation.

Hugs (((( @diamondjane ))))

 

Thankyou @skellig1182 and @marlin for replying
I am quite spiritual and do have the belief that things happen for reasons that we can't always know. I've struggled to hold on to that belief through this but it will come back I think.

I'm spending Christmas Day with my youngest son, his fiancée and 3 yr old at the local Indian restaurant! That was planned anyway so it'll just be me now instead of us. I'm also lucky to have lots of lovely friends, including some who are unattached, so I won't be left on my own.

I had rebuilt my life after a horrible wrs period which resulted in early retirement. I think I handled the whole life change thing well, whereas he didn't, he became depressed and needed to go looking for something new and exciting in the form of a new relationship when he no longer had work and family to occupy him.

I know I'll be fine in time. It does help though to have other people reinforce that message. I read over things again when I hit a low point.

 

I think you've handled things amazingly from the sound of it. Your family must be so proud of you. I do hope you will be able to move on... Forgive him and move on. You deserve to be the wilting flower occasionally and maybe he just can't do that. Please enjoy Xmas, your plans sound great and then start a New Year where you get to do as you wish. Hugs

 

No further advice to offer but just wanted to give my support and best wishes.
It sounds as though you are doing all the right things and have an amazingly positive attitude so soon. Yes, it does get better. Make use of all your support networks .
Lots of best wishes and (((hugs)))

 

If he comes back make sure it’s on your terms. Why do some people think the grass is greener. He may regret his actions once the excitement of the new romance has worn off and they are bickering over who does the washing or cooks dinner. Also when he sees the repercussions on his children and grandchildren. Make sure you are in charge if/when this happens and don’t give up the family home for ANY reason. You may still love him but he is a T W I T.

Best wishes to you from me. Live and love like he hasn’t hurt you and find peace, good luck and God bless you.

 

Hi Diamond,
I am sure there are many things you can do now on your own. Be strong!
There is a beautiful song by an Uruguayan songwriter, called "Se va, se va, se fué" (t's going, it's going, gone!) that says, "If everything begins and everything ends, we must have to think that the sadness has the same."
For you

 

You sound very strong but impressions can be deceptive. My husband left me nearly 10 years ago (albeit after only 13 years of marriage) and I had our 3 young children in tow.
Decide if you want him back - that's the first step. I, like you, would've taken mine back in the early days.
Surround yourself with supportive people and set small daily/weekly goals.
Sending virtual hugs and good wishes x

 

Good morning @Navygal
The wanting him back but is the problem. I'm trying to accept he's gone and already in a new relationship. When all I want is for him to miss me and realise he still loves me. It would all go away if he came back. All along I've wanted a fresh start with HIM but he didn't want to do the work. He wanted a fresh start with Someone Else. anyone really, as long as it is new and exciting. Which obviously it is in the early stages.
My grown up children have all said I need to move on and get past this need to be connected to him . But he's been in my life for over 30 years and I just can't imagine life without him. He was my best friend. But it just wasn't enough for him anymore.

 

More hugs @diamondjane I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is so very sad.

(((( @diamondjane ))))

 

I can hear your pain in your post but I am going to be harsh because I think you need it...
"If he walked through the door and wanted to try again I would say yes"
He already knows this and he knows he can have his fling and when the excitement fades he can come back to you. So he has nothing to lose. He gets his cake and eats it,
My suggestion is to spend this time exploring why you allow yourself to be treated like this.

 

I think he would be beside himself if he saw you with some gorgeous new man. Treating you like a princess like you deserve.

It does sound like he knows you will be there and hasn’t lost you. It’s so very selfish but happens a lot. Some people don’t realise what they have until it’s gone, or take it for granted.

Be strong and remember how wonderful you are. Start telling yourself you won’t have him back because you deserve better. Once you believe it, he will believe it. We all believe it xxxx

 

Thankyou again for replying.
After two dreadful days with lots of crying there has, at last, been the shift in my feelings I have been waiting for. I don't want to feel sad, I want to get back to enjoying my life. I've got the dog for the weekend and we had a lovely walk today. Coffee with a friend and then a reiki treatment. I don't want to miss him and I want to get past needing him in my life. Today I had glimpses of that which is a baby step forward.

 

Bless you, diamondjane. Lots of good advice given so far - and some I don't totally agree with. Christmas is always such a catalyst time; my first marriage broke up at Christmas 27 years ago. That was my choice, but it was still so much tougher than I expected it to be. I have a very close friend whose husband left her for someone younger and she was devastated. For probably five years she would have taken him back if he had asked (he never did). That was her choice. Only you can know what's right for you, what compromises you are prepared to make - it's your life. But you sound to be doing all the right things and moving forwards. Keep doing them and you will get there. My mum used to say, "Time doesn't stand still. Whatever the situation, things will be different in three months time." She was right and I think of that often.

Plan something, however small, that you enjoy every day. Spend time with family and friends who make you feel good. Sending a hug.

PS - 20 years on, my friend now has a very happy and successful single life. She is also good friends with he ex, but would never want him back now.

 

Ah thankyou @sunshineneeded.
I may actually be happy with a single life also. I've always been able to create my own happiness whereas it seems my husband needs someone else to do it for him. I actually wouldn't have him back (even if I still wanted to) because he would never be prepared to do the soul searching that brought him to this point in the first place. I would want more than he was prepared to give. I no longer have small children to consider - so anything I do will be based on just me.
I am not ready to be friends with him - but that is because of the hurtful way he treated me at the end. There was no gentle ending of a long union - but an abrupt "leaving for another woman" scenario. Not nice. And obviously I mentally stick pins in Her! One or both of them could have had the decency to suggest they do things in a more dignified way.
This week I have started to enjoy some of the things I've always liked. It's still only 10 days since they moved in together and only 19 since he told me about her. Still too soon to be able to 'get over him' but I am no longer trying to 'hold on to him' - if that makes sense.
Thankyou to everyone on the thread. I really helps me to read your comments and I find writing my own thoughts down very therapeutic xx

 

Hi diamondjane, just wanted to check in with you.

Whatever you do you must not let him know you are desperate to have him back. Your children are correct in that you need to move on but wrong in expecting it any time soon because you need to grieve for the life you had with him and the future you thought you had together.

Your children are telling you to move on because 1) They are scared of the emotional toll this is having on you 2) They want you settled and emotionally stable so they haven’t got to worry about you and can get on with their own lives 3) They cannot comprehend the idea of what it must be like to lose your partner of 30 years whom you have built an entire life and family with.

This is not a dig at your children, they are just scared and love their mum and want her happy.

Even if he did come back he would be different and YOU would be different, the betrayal has changed you. This may be a blip and you and he end up having a future together or this may be the end of the road for this relationship but whichever it is you must put yourself first. Be kind to yourself and grieve, you need to grieve for your lost marriage and life before you can move forward, tell your children this.

BUT

Right now assume it’s over, show him and anyone who might be in contact with him that you are getting on ok, happily, it’s your game face but if you do want him back being (even if it’s only an act at the moment) happy and confident will be more attractive to him than you begging and being emotional.

Years ago I thought women who take a wandering man back were stupid but now I think why should a woman give up everything they have built because a man decided to be a T W I T.

Stay in charge - the family home, savings, everything. Start a secret account and move money into it whether he comes back or not.

Best wishes to you, have a happy Christmas and a confident 2019.

 

Thankyou @smurphy6
All such sensible advice x

 

God love you, this must be awful and whilst I have no advice, you do have my sympathy. Lots of it. It does get better.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened @diamondjane

30 years is a long time - we had been married for 26 when my husband walked out ten years ago. I don't regret the marriage we had, and like @sunshineneeded 's friend, I am still good friends with my ex but could not imagine living with him again.

I hope things work out the way you want them to.