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how would YOU feel if..................

Discussion in 'Personal' started by rebeccafound, Feb 15, 2012.

  1. ...... your parent said your own wedding was 'sh@t?' (I overheard them talk really negatively about the best day of my life when they did not put the phone down properly and I was going 'hello? hello???') and so listened for a while longer.....to 'the cake is not cut properly the stupid girl' and the reception was rubbish, it was not as good as ........... ( my sisters) . I was SO upset. And a bit shocked as did not expect all of that. This was 7 years ago and to this day I have not got a great rel with both parents becasue of this. I still see them, yes, but lost faith in them and trust. I do not get along great with my older sister either ( who they said her wedding was a lot better) . Can I say they did not have anything to do with my wedding, never asked to volunteer, offer help with money or anything. I had a small wedding, at a local pub with disco, a nice church wedding which I wanted beforehand. To this day I have not had a genuine understanding from my dad and a sorry for what he said. My mum said the next day when I went round to them very angry - 'you should not have been listening in to our private conversation!!!' Excuse me? your daughter is HURT about a special day in her life and is mortified she heard such things??? Doesnt that deserve some understadning????
    Can I also add that when growing up it was always me who got the blame for things when my older sister should have (she was and still is a bully). Used to be very intimidated by her and still am. Even tho I have rung her in adult conversations, when recetnly rang her to say how sorry I was to hear she had cancer - she is much better now - to which I got a 'you only ring as I have cancer' shouted down the phone to me. I did have a younger sister who I was very close to but she died when i was 12 (im now 36) and that was v hard for me to deal with. As a Teacher on a course regarding behaviour in young children we had to talk about what made children behave the way they do....a Teacher turned to me and said ; you know why your sister is like that with you and still is? Because your parents never disciplined her and she still acts like that in unkind ways to you'.I agreed with this but there is onthing I can do, even now. My sister ignores my sons birthdays, etc whereas I have a good relationship with her girls. (though only see them once a year as I now just feel so uncomforatble around them all in family times etc). I know, all v sad but I came to a point coupel years ago that said to me enough is enough, theres nothing I can do to help myself in all of this. I speak the truth about how hurt I feel and nothing. Its like they dont love me. and stopped loving me for me years ago anywya. Maybe I married the wrong guy, did the wrong job (they said they had ideas for me when I was in my teens of who Id be, whod Id marry etc).
    So any comments on my life with 'family'? anyone got similar family they have had to turn away from eventually and look after themselves? Thanks!!
     
  2. ...... your parent said your own wedding was 'sh@t?' (I overheard them talk really negatively about the best day of my life when they did not put the phone down properly and I was going 'hello? hello???') and so listened for a while longer.....to 'the cake is not cut properly the stupid girl' and the reception was rubbish, it was not as good as ........... ( my sisters) . I was SO upset. And a bit shocked as did not expect all of that. This was 7 years ago and to this day I have not got a great rel with both parents becasue of this. I still see them, yes, but lost faith in them and trust. I do not get along great with my older sister either ( who they said her wedding was a lot better) . Can I say they did not have anything to do with my wedding, never asked to volunteer, offer help with money or anything. I had a small wedding, at a local pub with disco, a nice church wedding which I wanted beforehand. To this day I have not had a genuine understanding from my dad and a sorry for what he said. My mum said the next day when I went round to them very angry - 'you should not have been listening in to our private conversation!!!' Excuse me? your daughter is HURT about a special day in her life and is mortified she heard such things??? Doesnt that deserve some understadning????
    Can I also add that when growing up it was always me who got the blame for things when my older sister should have (she was and still is a bully). Used to be very intimidated by her and still am. Even tho I have rung her in adult conversations, when recetnly rang her to say how sorry I was to hear she had cancer - she is much better now - to which I got a 'you only ring as I have cancer' shouted down the phone to me. I did have a younger sister who I was very close to but she died when i was 12 (im now 36) and that was v hard for me to deal with. As a Teacher on a course regarding behaviour in young children we had to talk about what made children behave the way they do....a Teacher turned to me and said ; you know why your sister is like that with you and still is? Because your parents never disciplined her and she still acts like that in unkind ways to you'.I agreed with this but there is onthing I can do, even now. My sister ignores my sons birthdays, etc whereas I have a good relationship with her girls. (though only see them once a year as I now just feel so uncomforatble around them all in family times etc). I know, all v sad but I came to a point coupel years ago that said to me enough is enough, theres nothing I can do to help myself in all of this. I speak the truth about how hurt I feel and nothing. Its like they dont love me. and stopped loving me for me years ago anywya. Maybe I married the wrong guy, did the wrong job (they said they had ideas for me when I was in my teens of who Id be, whod Id marry etc).
    So any comments on my life with 'family'? anyone got similar family they have had to turn away from eventually and look after themselves? Thanks!!
     
  3. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    You all sound incredibly childish and you're allowing other peoples' opinions far too much importance. Get on with your own life.
     
  4. SleighBelle

    SleighBelle Occasional commenter

    This sums up the whole post. It's all someone else's fault. I agree with the other reply, you do all sound childish.
    Over and above anything else, did YOU and your groom enjoy your wedding day? That's all that is important, not what your parents think about the wedding day, your marriage, your job etc etc.
    Perhaps they did think your wedding day was a bit rubbish- so what? They're entitled to their opinion, they didn't mean to hurt you and were just commenting on it in private, not realising that you could hear. If you had a lovely day, do you really care what they think?
    If they make you unhappy, spend as little time with them as possible. Grow a thicker skin and get on with your own life.
     
  5. wordsworth

    wordsworth Senior commenter

    I have more sympathy with the OP. How absolutely dreadful to overhear your parents' negative comments, and how deeply hurtful. Maybe you come from the sort of family who tend to speak in this way and not consider it a big deal, but i personally feel that whether you were supposed to hear or not, the fact that you DID overhear them talking in this way means that things cannot be the same with your parents again. I recommend that you build a life with your partner that marginalises your spiteful family (I won't start about your sister). Maybe things will change as years go by, but for now it seems that they don't particularly wish you well. Let them get on with it.
     
  6. whapbapboogy

    whapbapboogy New commenter

    I agree with wordsworth. You've obviously been really hurt by your family, and it's time for you to accept you don't need them to be happy in life. It's highly feasible both sides will NEVER reach a happy middleground- so leave it all behind. 'You can choose your friends, not your family' 'They **** you up, your mum and dad ' (Phillip Larkin).
    Leave it behind.
     
  7. thank you wordsworth. I think I am not childish as other posters say I am but its awful that I have been on the brunt end of my parents nastiness. All I wanted is love and to respect my choices in life. I get told to let go and move on yes, but its hard but I know I have just been myself and tried to stick up for myself but got nowhere, like if i do put my voice heard amongst them telling them how I had felt they withdraw from me even further. My Dad had an affair 13 years ago and I wsa hurt too from that as my mum was so hurt. .... even the death of my little sister and this affair etc....then saying how ignorant my partners parents are n- they are very quiet people who did not go to university etc, unlike my sisters husgands family (heard them on phone that awful day) is just so awful. I sometimes think I was supposed to hear that conversation that day you know. And yes people are entiteld to their opinion but where is the love for their daughter? Like 'oh we are soooo osrry you overheard all of that how awful for you' It was nothing like that. This is what I find so hard to understand. So yes posters to get on with my own life, I have two lovely boys and a nice husband, luckily live a good half hour drive away from them (wanted to move more away from where they are anyway) Sister lives 4 hours away.:)) !! Mum said once she feels my sister is jealous as thinks Mum sees me more !! PAthetic. My mum hardly sees me at all really, when I was pregnant with my first boy she told me in no uncertain terms - 'I dont want to look after your son much ok?' How lovely, here I was over the moon after a miscarriage with my first healthy pregnancy....then I will never forget what she said. (she had a hard time with my brother). So yes I wish it was all different but I have genearlly found the more I have talked about how I feel the more they think Im wrong and awful . It has led me to feel so down and lack self esteem, depressed. I am a senstive, loving, kind and quiet person. My sister is loud and bossy! Always has been. So chin up and any more comments, similar bullying in family stories welcomed!!
     
  8. thanks mum wants it to be all happy families etc, but I just want to run away from them!! They have hurt me a lot and the more I speak up the more Im in the wrong, I dont want to ring them anymore as its got to that point that I really dont feel any genuine love. Thanks a lot. I cant change them , ive waited but no. I have 2 lovely lovely boys. When i was pregnant mum said ' i dont want to look after him' - i was gutted. My sister lives 3 hours away and mum wants me to 'getalong'withe her, i say i have tried and tried and its always my fault for one thing or another - when I know, its not. She had cancer and I know its awful but I have been treated awfully too by them all and I said this to mum the other day. as she had cancer doesnt mean the fact that I have been hurt is less important to address. It doesnt stop the persons mind to keep talking ill things about me, which is waht my sister tends to do, my friends say it is to break mum away from me..well over the years i can say she has succeeded. But I am 36 now and need to take care of me and my own family, wish it wasnt like this but it is. And other families have bullyhing issues, as this is what I have come to think of it, too. I have been so fed up and ddepressed with it all - but no this isnt cancer so not important. ....the day I heard that conversation...maybe I was supposed to all along..friends say so. thanks for your advice, would welcome any other family stories with bullying characters within it.
     
  9. Yes. It was seven years ago - I think it's really unhealthy that you're poking at these metaphorical ulcers with a metaphorical, um, tongue.
    Sustaining the level of anger you clearly still feel is a terrible, terrible waste of of emotional energy, don't you think? Is it worth it?
     
  10. Man up. If they're that awful, break it off (my partner has not spoken to his family for a number of years). If they aren't that awful, move on. You're wasting your life wishing things were different. They aren't.
     
  11. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    Give yourself a break. When things blow up in my family I give thanks that I live 2 hours away and let it rest. Sometimes getting it all out in the open just isn't worth it. It only makes everyone (including you) feel bad and (my experience anyway), nothing will change. My advice: don't expect anything; you won't be disappointed and you may well be pleasnantly surprised. Your story seems to be another sad example of eavesdroppers hearing nothing good, I'm afraid. That said, it does sound as if there are a good few issues batting around - you might benefit from talking it through with a counsellor who can help you to deal with your feelings about a whole range of events, and make sure you don't visit the same mistakes on your own children.
     
  12. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    It's half term again, isn't it...
     

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