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How old....?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Anonymous2011, Apr 23, 2011.

  1. Thank you for the replies,

    I suppose I should explain my situation further. My child isn't born yet - I'm 35 weeks pregnant - but it's an issue that's going round and round in my head. I can't stop thinking about it

    I cheated on my husband. I'm not even going to 'sugar coat it', because I'm disgusted with myself. The affair went on for 7 months and, during this time, my husband and I weren't having sex at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to keep the baby and that I had to come clean to my husband.

    I expected him to leave me straight away but he said he wanted to make it work and that he'd bring up the child as his own. My parents are the only other people who know that the child is not his. He says he doesn't want anyone else to know.

    I've made such a mess of everything. I don't want to hide anything from my child, and I'd like him/her to know from the start, but how?

    I can't see a way of telling the child, that won't involve telling everyone else too. Personally, I'd rather tell everyone but my my husband is against it.

    Feel free to call me whatever you want. I deserve it.
  2. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    As soon as possible. My OH and I may adopt in the future, so obviously neither of us would be biological parents to our children - the advice I have always seen is to bring children up with the knowledge that you aren't the biological parent.
  3. even if you had some moral or emotional reason to keep it a secret, truth would probably out for some medical reason, or someone else's loose talk
  4. rosievoice

    rosievoice Star commenter

    My friend could only become a mother thanks to the kindness of strangers who donated eggs. As far as she is concerned, she is their mother. She says it wouldn't occur to her to tell the boys she shares no DNA with them whatsoever. (Husband is the father of both). Only unavoidable medical necessity in the future might make her disclose the facts.
    We are all made differently. A colleague told her two children when they were five years old that they were adopted. I suppose there are many different ways of being a family-shared DNA isn't always necessary. Living with a loved and loving Dad is more important to a child than a distant biological father.
    Good wishes with whatever or whenever you decide to tell your child. She sounds like she has a good mum. x
  5. mandala1

    mandala1 Occasional commenter

    Well of course it is. But biological parentage is still important.
    But it shouldn't be about her - it's not her decision to make. I must say - I think she's taking huge risks with her relationship with her children as they move into adulthood.
  6. rosievoice

    rosievoice Star commenter

    Is biological parentage that important? To my friend, the donation of a couple of eggs was warmly welcomed (as it meant the difference between motherhood or not) but the origins would only (maybe) become important if inherited medical problems raised their head in the future. If it was her decision to create new life, then surely it is her decision whether to disclose the origins or not. I still maintain that role can be infinitely stronger than genes.
  7. With rosievoice on this.
    If you choose to tell, ask why. To make yourself feel better? Is that selfish? What about your very selfless husband - and father to be? All the talk of rights are all well and good but is it always the best way to go? I'm not saying don't tell. I'm saying be absolutely clear why - if its to make you feel better that's not good enough given the hurt to everyone else. Role can indeed be infinitely stronger than genes.
  8. mandala1

    mandala1 Occasional commenter

    It's up to the child to decide. I would suggest finding out in adulthood would make it far more than an issue than if it had been open as the child had grown up. I'm not sure what the issue is here - why is the mum/parent so reluctant to reveal?
    Absolutely, completely agree. So why keep it a secret?
  9. Yes, the role a parent plays is more important than the biological identity. But if you don't tell your children the truth and they assume a biological relation where there is none, you are living a lie. It WILL come out eventually and it will be very hurtful. It's not just medical issues that will make the subject relevant. Kids will want to know who in their family they look like, or take after in temperament. They will see resemblances where there can be none, ask about what Daddy was like when he was little etc. You will have to keep on lying and lying and lying.

    It will be difficult to find the right way to explain the situation, of course, but I think you have to. Perhaps when the child if 3 or 4 you can explain that there are different sorts of daddies - some who look after you and live with you and take care of you, and just sometimes there are some who helped to make you but who don't live with you. Equally some children don't have a daddy at all, some even have two who live together, etc. Just emphasise that they are loved by your husband and accept that at some point the child may want to find out more about the biological father.

    Who will you name on the birth certificate? If you are truthful, won't your husband have to 'adopt' the child - which confers legitimate daddy status on him in any case? Then you can say that mummy had a baby in her tummy and Daddy really wanted to be the baby's daddy so he made a special promise. That should do for a bit and you can offer more info as they get older. But I'd be wary of telling any lies even by implication.


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