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How long does an average break up take for the pain to dim

Discussion in 'Personal' started by anon4046, Dec 31, 2010.

  1. I suppose it depends how much one has invested in the relationship.

    It varies.
  2. JumpingStarfish

    JumpingStarfish New commenter

    Depends on the person, how long you were together, who did the breaking up etc. When my boyfriend of 7 years split up with me with no warning a couple of years ago I was still having mini-panic attacks five months down the line. We got back together after six months and are still together now, but it was a really hard time. My cousin on the other hand got married to her boyfriend of 8 years, he walked out a month later and a couple of months later she had someone new. It all depends on you to be honest. Assuming it is you you're talking about that is.
  3. tafkam

    tafkam Occasional commenter

    I was once told it was about one month for every year of the relationship.
    Somebody else told me that was bo11ocks.
    I'll let you guess which one was right.
  4. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    I see your point, time is the most precious commodity you can give to anything
  5. The one that took me longest to get over wasn't even worthy of the word relationship, it was a 3-date wonder. But prior to that there'd been months and months of something, not really a flirtation, just something I don't know how to define. So there'd been all this expectation created and when after 3 dates it was clear it was not going to work I was very disappointed. I met someone else shortly after, but it wasn't until I met my husband a couple of years later that I stopped feeling disappointed about that one.
  6. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    I suppose it can depend on age. A person in their 20's generally has a lot more room for optimism than say someone who crashes out of a relationship in their40 or 40's. A bit general I know but there might be some truth in that
  7. Same with me. I can't believe the emotion I expended on that fat tw*t.
    How I wish hindsight came in pill-form. At least six months of crying and feeling like my life was over (haha!) avoided.
  8. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    40's or 50's
  9. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Depends on who did the breaking up and why...although, in my experience, it is just as painful as the one who decides to break up as it is to have a break up forced on you.
    Depends on whether there is someone else involved - makes it more painful if it's the other person, makes it easier if it's you.
    Depends on how long you've been together.
    Depends on whether there are children as, if there are, you are forced to continue to see one another.
    There may be days when you find it impossible to put one foot in front of the other, nights when you cry yourself to sleep, when saying 'fine' is harder than other days etc etc.
    Completely over? Or just over enough to cope?
  10. Nah. As I said - at the time I thought that was it for me.

    Silly girl.
  11. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    That sounds like a really good place to be honest
  12. It sucks. Don't know what the circumstances are for those involved, but I know it sucks.
  13. tafkam

    tafkam Occasional commenter

    That takes a few days. And then a few more. And then it seems like it'll never happen. And then it happens for a few days on the trot. And then you forget that it ever felt you could cope. And eventually the days where you cope count greater than those where you feel you can't.
    The key is to find those who can offer the support you need on the days where it feels like you won't, be they friends, family, or even TES posters.
  14. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    It's a 'how long is a piece of string' question. ...and I'm not sure there is an optimum age - when my first marriage broke up I was just shy of 30 but I'd been with him since I was 16 years old and the circumstances of the break up were particularly painful. I didn't know how to be a grown up on my own because I'd never experienced it.
    When my second marriage broke up I on the wrong side of 40. It wasn't any easier and with 2 kids and 2 step kids involved it was just as hard in its own way.
    A break up can be a gradual fizzling, a protracted loss of closeness or an explosion - none are any easier to deal with than the other.
    Judging by recent posts you're near the beginning of it, acertainsomething - I've been there and sympathise. Especially at this time of year. At this time of year it can be hard all over again even if you are "over" it.

  15. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    Yes surprisingly they can take a more productive detached view.
  16. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    Yes, I agree. Hope things start to look brighter for you soon, ACS. FWIW I'm not sure the pain ever goes away and it can come back and hit you anytime, but it does get easier day to day.
  17. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    I know I might regret posting on here, and in the cold light of day I might think it was the wrong thing to do, but your post really rings true.
  18. tafkam

    tafkam Occasional commenter

    Spot on! If I actually think about a break-up of 10 years ago, I can still feel the same stab of pain that it left me then, and likewise every event since. It's just that in daily life we think less and less about each individual event - unless some other event prompts us.
  19. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    Sadly the entire family still think we are together. That is what worries me, the worst is yet to hit and I don't know if I am ready for it.
  20. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Tafkam's rule sounds good to me.#
    I suppose it is like a death, not the same, but loss is involved.
    You should use some modifiers and constants.

    T = Time of Pain on days
    Y = length of relationship
    D = dump factor if dumped= 1
    D = dump factor if you were the instigator = 0.2
    Cc = number of children + 1
    Ca = amicable index - out of seven 1 being very cross
    Cf = financial complexity - out of five, five being high value factors to be considered

    T = (30( ( (Y/12) D ) Cc) - (Cf - Ca))

    fill it in and count the days
    I hope it isn't a big one.

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