I am not too sure why I am writing this other than I believe sometimes it helps to air your opinions and feelings. This teaching year has been the hardest of my teaching career, even though it has only been one of five years. Having been second in department at my last school - a day prep school I moved to where I currently am to be HOD of my dept in a prep school. Whilst I have enjoyed working with the colleagues here - particularly my deputy I have dreaded going into work. I live 1h30 mins from school but I hold my hands up and say that I vastly underestimated the hours I would work at this school. I have as many duties as I do lessons - double prep duties, lunch is a duty (we serve the children), dorm duty at night, Saturday school, Sunday duties, regularly working 14 hour days with not even 5 mins to change for games in. Matches in the middle of nowhere. I have tried to introduce things such as a French show but with no support from SMT as it is "not the way of the school". We have a meeting every 20 min first break (our only break) which is complusory. The children are challenging, tired and run down. Mainly due to the fact that they have no free time. I was very upset last week as I set a French shop up in the corner of my classroom and some of them vandalised it. It's upsetting seeing the children like that but it is hard to enforce discipline here - many of them board and are fed up. I used to thrive on making strong working relationships with my pupils but here I feel I am not doing so. They all seem to have an attitude of not caring. We access the children all the time - effort grades, attainment, every 3 weeks. Written ones every half term. What worries me is whilst we have just had the best set of CE results for my department, I feel I am no longer a motivated and able teacher. I feel bad habits creeping in - mainly because they eek and take away my time. Little by little. As a result I cannot prepare lessons, I walk in and look at SOW and then where we last left off. I cannot remember the last time I marked books. I would be doing that at midnight. I see my partner twice a week basically. I am provided with a tiny student like flat (due to being an unmarried female member of staff). I used to be a strong runner - now I am too exhausted, stressed or at work so I cannot train properly. I have no interests outside anymore and barely see friends and family. Not even my subject interests me like it used to do. I literally try to get away with the minimum. When I went for this role my old Head warned me about this but stupidly I just said it would be ok as it is a well respected and known prep school, and my first HOD role. Now I am left feeling like a failure. Luckily in April I saw a role as HOD of languages at a more local prep school, a day one. Far more up my street. I hope that all is not lost and I can return to doing what I believe I am good at, teaching. I know we break up in just over two weeks but I cannot seem to see that far ahead. I feel like this last year has been a year long nightmare. I feel silly. Yes I could say some good things have come out of it, first HOD role, working with some nice colleagues, some nice children but I just cannot seem to see the positives. I still drive to work and sit in my car for 10 minutes mustering up the motivation to get out. I listen to the 15 minutes of confusing announcements for children every morning, every lunch and every supper. I dread tomorrow's Saturday school, my Sunday duty...the list goes on. I just worry that this experience has tainted my future. That it has turned me into a moany and dull person. I want to get back to being excited about what and how I am going to teach the children. Having random chats with pupils. Thanks for listening - I just feel stupid and a little bit of a failure atm. As I am sat writing this I have before me, spread into three rooms, 45 tired and off task children doing their second prep of the day.