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How do you start this conversation?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by disguise, Jul 10, 2011.

  1. I don't think myself and the OH will get married and have kids. I haven't decided if I definitely want kids but if I do, I have decided it won't be with him.

    I've felt this way for a while and wondered what to do about it. Breaking up a relationship 'because it has no future' is such a cliche but it's kind of the right thing to do.

    I'm pretty sure we are just 'comfortable' in our relationship. We have never said we love each other and have been going out for just over a year now. Things that have happened or been said hint that he wouldn't want to live with me and again I doubt I'd be happy living with him either.

    I tried to broach this subject today but he laughed it off. The more I talk about this with my friends the more they say 'Shouldn't you just cut your losses?' or words to that effect. But how do you start that whole conversation? When is the right time?

    If it makes a difference, I'm 28 and he's 33. If you know some of the history between me and OH you will probably ask why I am still with him at all but please ignore that and just help me with this little dilemna.

    Thanks all.
  2. You could do what I do and become psycho b1tch- problem seems to sort itself out then!!
    or just be honest 'I've been thinking- like you lots but lets face it we're not going anywhere blah blah'
    Good luck x
  3. Victoria Plum

    Victoria Plum New commenter

    Eek!! Disguise you sound like me for the few years prior to last October! A chain reaction of events finally made my mind up for me but I ended it calmly, not in the middle of a big row. Any time is good to end a relationship when you know it's not working. My ex was going on and on about having a day out (too much, too little, too late in my opinion as I had been desperately trying to get him to for ages!!) and I just get thinking I don't actually WANT to go out for the day with you!! So I interrupted him and said I'm sorry but I think we should just call it day. I think he was a bit gobsmacked by my calmness - I'd often told him where to go before but always in anger in the middle of a row!! He tried very hard for a while to convince me to change my mind but I stuck to my guns. We stayed in touch for a while but now we know longer speak at all (evidence points towards the fact that he is back with the woman he was seeing before me - poor cow!!) and I do not miss him AT ALL!! I am now so happy, you don't realise how much someone is pulling you down until they're out of your life!! You'll do it when the time is right for you. But please don't waste too much time with something that is making you unhappy - even if you don't realise yet that it IS making you unhappy! xxx
  4. cinnamonsquare

    cinnamonsquare Occasional commenter

    This could have been a post from my 28 year old self 2 years ago!

    We both knew that we were going nowhere and that we weren't going to get married, but neither of us was brave enough to start the conversation. It turned into a relationship that was over long before it was over, if you know what I mean. Eventually I plucked up the courage to say, "We need to talk." We decided to have a month-long "break" and see how we felt after that. I think we both knew it was the end though, and it wouldn't feel different after a month. There were tears, from both of us. Despite no future for our relationship we still cared about each other and we are still friends today. He is with a girl who I think he will marry, and I recently got engaged to my OH.

    It was hard to do, because I don't think anyone enjoys coming out of their comfort zone. It's better sooner than later though. If you know it has to end, you aren't doing yourself or him any favours by staying together.

    Be brave and good luck xxx
  5. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    In the end one of you has to take the courage to stand up and start.
    A few years ago my marriage was heading towards a terminal end after some 30 years.We had drifted apart and i i particular wanted to be off to do many things which life, work and kids had sort of stopped. The hardest thng was to broach the subject and it started as a conversation and ended as a decision.
    WE both realised we had felt the same way for a while and once we opened up then it was so easier to discuss the difficuties and percieved problems of the relationship.Its taken some 3 years of care and love to re-establish those first bonds which made us fall in love....and stil its a struggle at times as we stil want to do things...but with a great deal of give and take we have bonded more.
    If you are sure that the love has gone then you must indeed act.there is no point prolonging a friendhip o this intimate nature if you dont really love him.../even if it fear of the the result.Men do tend to let the realtionship go on provided they have the bedifits of a home ,sex and a companion.You obviously want more.........then yu have to initiate the end...but do try to be at peace with each other...It make seperation so much easier, although sadder as you might be racked with fears and guilt as you do so.
    I always advocate you write down all te pros and cons and as yo do you suddenly see what your missing or losing......and if still you wish to go ahead then at least you can do so realising you have anylised the situation,and its not just a pure emotional jerk reaction.
  6. You just have to suck it up and say what you need to say. Yes is will probably be horrid and emotional and you will be hurt but it will pass.
  7. Thanks all for the advice. I think I made my mind up a long time ago (some of you will remember a row we had at the end of the Easter holidays - I was ready to end it then). I am no angel, I admit it but I find him very selfish at times and he just can't see that he is. I don't see it working long term, but don't want to be with someone just because it's easy. Everyone who I've spoken to about it says I am wasting time staying with him because I could be meeting the right person and I suppose they are right. We are meant to be going on holiday with a couple of his friends in August. I keep thinking I shouldn't spoil that - in terms of spoiling it for him, not me because I'm not used to the whole holiday thing anyway - but then I also think that's not a good enough reason to put this conversation off. As I say, he has never said he loves me in the time we've been together and to be honest I don't think I love him. I am usually one to fall in love easily too.
  8. Option 1 ... say nothing ... stick around until one of you by chance meets "the right one" .. have a distressing break up full of recrimination

    Option 2 ... say nothing ... stick around ... neither of you ever meets someone that you can have a fulfilling relationship with ... this relationship either 2a = gets no worse and does fulfil something or 2b = becomes destructive for one or both of you

    Option 3 ... say nothing ... become further entrenched ... have children ... pray that many lives are not destroyed

    Option 4 ... end the relationship now ... short term sadness ... long term possibilities ... perhaps never find happiness ... exciting that you cannot know

    The conversation would be easier in the short term if you had a row/upset/trauma to base it on but that would lead to longer term unhappiness and recrimination ... In the short term it is harder to simply say "I think this is over" but you (hopefully both) will feel better once the deed is done
  9. Very well put RF.
    Personally though I don't think I'd add the 'I think this is over' I would just say 'it is over'.
  10. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    I'm reminded of the old joke about the Sergeant-Major who's asked by the Lieutenant to inform Private Jones of the awful news that his mother's just died. The Sergeant-Major lines the company up on parade and bellows

    "Atten-SHUN! Jones, your mother's dead, fall out!"

    Jones is clearly distraught and collapses in a blubbering heap on the parade ground. He has to be carried away.

    Later, the Lieutenant takes the Sergeant-Major on one side and says 'Look here Sarn't-Major, that was bad for morale - I think you need to be a bit more circumspect and sensitive in the way you announce bad news to the men. You'll need to do it differently next time."

    A few weeks later, Private Jenkins' mother also passes away, and the Sergeant-Major is tasked with letting him know. Mindful of the Lieutenant's advice, he lines the company up on the parade ground and bellows

    "Atten-SHUN! All those with a mother, one pace forwards... MARCH! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING JENKINS?!"
  11. He'll be one of these "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" types, who will see nothing at all amiss with coasting through life in any relatioship that isn't causing him actual grief.
    If you're more the type who wants it to be right or gone, then you should be the one to take the bull by the horns and end it. Are you wanting shot so that you have a chance to meet someone who will give you a better quality relationship and the option of children in the future? If so waste no more time.
    "I've decided that this relationship isn't going anywhere. It isn't really what I want and I can't see any sort of future in it. So thanks for everything but it's goodbye."
    Then either you ask for his keys or hand over yours.

  12. As I typed that I had this vision of the scenario in which it might take place. You are seated at the kitchen table. That is the sign that A Serious Talk is about to take place in our house and strikes fear and terror into my husband and children!
  13. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Wish I had this talk with my now ex partner. There were so many times when we just both knew things weren't right. She was ill with ME during a large part of our relationship and I couldn't leave because I knew she would have found it difficult to cope. We were c*** at talking and communicating about our relationship - it merely went drifted on "comfortably". She never wanted to get married (her parents were divorced which I think had an impact on her).
    Then we had a son which altered everything. She told me she cried (and not with happiness) when she found out she was pregnant. It took another 3 1/2 years before we separated. Deep down, we knew we weren't right for each other. Although we liked doing a lot of the same things, a natural love was not there. I cared for her a lot but felt it was not reciprocated. I did not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who deep down did not want to be with me. It was (one of) the biggest decisions of my life and I spend a lot of time still thinking about it. She did not try to make me stay. She does find it tough as a single parent although I do my best to support her both financially and with my time. But we both think we made the correct decision.
    Communication is key. Do you miss him if he is not there? Do you both compromise? Watch out for each other? Love each other? How would you feel spending the rest of your life with this person?

  14. DaisysLot

    DaisysLot Senior commenter

    28 was a particularly pants year for me too..... You'll find a way to get back on the path you should be. It takes wisdom to acknowledge that a relationship isn't working, and real bravery to let it go.
  15. I was also 28 when my 10 year long relationship ended.

    No regrets at all. It doesn't mean my life has been easy since but living by myself was much better than living with someone whom I was comfortable with but I felt nothing for.
    Relationships have come and gone and yes there's times when I have felt miserable and alone but the loveliest feeling in the world was going to bed every evening and locking MY own front door of MY own house.
    28 is old enough to know your own mind and I am sure once the words are said the weight will literally come off your shoulders!

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