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Discussion in 'Personal' started by TroubledTeacher1, Oct 16, 2019.
I agree - but it can make it harder to leave.
But what if you don't like them much of the time anymore and 'love' doesn't cover up those cracks?
I've just heard from an old friend this morning that she and her husband have separated after quite a long marriage. She is incredibly controlling and I wonder if the 'just fizzled out' that she described is him finally getting to the end of his regret and refusing to put up with her behaviour any more. I stood up to her a few years ago when she was behaving appallingly, whereupon she burst into years and wouldn't speak to me for ages and we've had a fairly polite relationship where we've met since (we volunteer at the same group). She falls out with everyone in the end and I wonder if get marriage breakdown is the same. I always felt sorry for her lovely husband.
I know this was a typo but I had this image of your friend suddenly ageing at a rapid rate... like the villain at the end of Indiana Jones 3.. made me grin.
Huh. It wasn't her ageing rapidly, it was me!
I'm in my fifties and it's taken me nearly all of those years to recognise the type - needy, controlling, charming, keen to help other people, funny, and deadly. My sister is like this, the afore-mentioned friend is like this, and my co-worker at dementia singing, though he's on the mild side and I have him under my thumb now! He craves my approval because he thinks I'm a good person to be in with (not really sure why - education, quite nice house, I can play the piano, who knows?!) so I rarely give it and he's worked out that he has to treat me with care and I'm not going to be pushed around by him. If I'd meet him 20 years ago I'd never have realised what he was up to and would doubtless have unwittingly stroked his ego in order to be polite. My sons call him Tim the w#nker! He knows his place around us. But my goodness it's hard work. He phoned me from his holiday in Italy last week to ask why I'd not commented on his blog!
I would say that he is under a lot of pressure and stressed out. Becoming a father does something strange to some men. Some become controlling. Some have affairs (Is that a possibility??)
It needs talking though. I hate to advise separation.
However, his behavior needs to change, and not just temporarily. Let him know the problem. Let him know what you expect from him. Ask him what his expectations are from you, if necessary explain why this isn't reasonable/possible. Don't believe any promises of change which are not followed up by actions.
Sadly, I think the writing is on the wall. Think carefully. Discuss it with friends, family, preferably your mother, sister if you have one.
Once you decide to leave make your plans and do it. See a solicitor first for advice about how to go bout it. Once you have decided and given him a chance to change don't listen to any furthers pleas from him and stick to your guns.