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How do you know when it's time to call it quits on a marriage?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by TroubledTeacher1, Oct 16, 2019.

  1. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    I don't know exactly... but I'd guess... about the time you start asking "when is it time to call it quits on a marriage?"
  2. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    I would have to say the odds on him changing his behaviour are not good. It is also not at all good for your child(ren) to witness his behaviour towards you !!
    I think you have to remain calm when he shouts and in a measured way get it out there that the way he behaves in the marriage is not how your father behaves(d) towards your mother, his father to his mother (if correct) or in any of your friends' etc marriages.
    Remain firm and put it to him that the situation cannot continue and that you will seek a divorce if he will not change. A marriage is an equal partnership, if he had wanted a house slave he is in the wrong society.
  3. Mermaid7

    Mermaid7 Occasional commenter

    Gave the husband some tea for breakfast. Was told it is rubbish as per usual. He tells me this every morning in no uncertain terms. Told him to make his own tea next time then. Husband flips ....
    Probably better for him to make his own tea then.

    I apparently can't even iron a t-shirt correctly ...
    So make a separate ironing pile and he can iron his own clothes in the correct way.

    Or take care of my firstborn correctly. Because him taking his clothes off despite my repeatedly telling him not to, and him subsequently developing a slight runny nose ...
    Colds are caused by viruses and are very common in small children.

    If you’re treading on eggshells it’s time to talk seriously about the future of your marriage. Being shouted at and sworn at is a red flag.
  4. TheOracleAtDelphi

    TheOracleAtDelphi Occasional commenter

    I know Chelsea 2 has already mentioned coercive control, which was exactly what sprung to my mind too. This link https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/ may make interesting reading.

    Personally, I feel that divorce harms children no more than growing up in an unhappy home. I don't want to be insensitive but do you want your son(s) growing up thinking this is how they should behave to their wife or your daughter(s) thinking this is what they in turn are going to have to endure?

    Also, I don't want to upset you but witnessing domestic abuse counts as child abuse. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/domestic-abuse/#what-is

    Finally - and I don't mean this flippantly - but I remember a Goodness Gracious Me sketch where a woman, who is being chased by her violent husband, is begging for help and the help is not forthcoming because the person is trying to be culturally sensitive...but is actually being utterly insensitive...
    ms honey, Alice K and monicabilongame like this.
  5. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    Only a one-word answer. Leave.
  6. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

  7. yodaami2

    yodaami2 Lead commenter

    The moment my husband raises his voice in aggression towards me is the moment I go.
    You may not think it but you are the victim of domestic abuse. It does not have to be physical. Please take care. x
    ms honey and monicabilongame like this.
  8. Nellyfuf2

    Nellyfuf2 Established commenter

    If he is shouting, swearing and constantly finding fault with you - over minor things.... systematically destroying your self esteem.
    Then this is domestic abuse. So just get a divorce.
    No that ain't gonna happen, is it? So here is the thing to do. Talk to your friends (probably not got any at the moment?) well talk to your GP, talk to your Health Visitor. Your family.
    Make a contingency plan. How will I go about this?
    He's not going to leave the house is he? Not without a fight.
    So ask How do I leave?
    Sort this stuff out and then maybe you can move forward.
    And then.
    I suspect that he will be difficult about access to the children and so on and so forth. Sounds like that sort.
    Why would you put up with this man?
    SundaeTrifle and ms honey like this.
  9. emerald52

    emerald52 Star commenter

    I would start gathering information to help you get him out, or if necessary, you leave as easily as possible. See citizens advice bureau and get your free half hour with a solicitor. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and amounts to coercive control. Document everything he does without putting yourself at risk. I hope you can call on friends and family for support. Thinking of you at this difficult time.
    monicabilongame likes this.
  10. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    He doesn't help much around the house.

    There are some good things. He is very funny when he's in the right mood. He's good with my son and he is great with my family.

    He takes after his dad (and the male side of his family in general) all of them are angry men. I only discovered the extent of this after marriage.

    I hope things improve too, just for the sake of my child(ren).
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2019
  11. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    Thanks for your reply. I'll try.

    (Annoyingly his dad was the same to his mum. I only saw that after marriage!)
  12. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    Thank you. I'm glad you're in a better place!
  13. Doitforfree

    Doitforfree Star commenter

    Things won't improve. Why would they? Do as other people have suggested and at least make a plan. Set up a bank account in your name and put in as much money as you can.

    This IS coercive control. Even if there were 'another side' to it it would still be coercive control. No one should be shouted at or made to feel nervous in their own home. Being 'good with your son' is not a positive character trait, it's the bare minimum of normal behaviour. I think you know all this, and you're very brave to post on here.
  14. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    I hate these threads. I hate them partly because nobody should have to share an apparently abusive relationship and partly because only one side of the story ever gets told, which then leads to posters suggesting a a binary solution.

    I don't believe any of us has the right to influence whether a couple we know little about should stay together.

    Relationships are complicated at the best of times. I've known couples I'd have put money on as being the perfect match, splitting up and others who I'd have regarded as being unlikely to stay together for more than a week, being devoted to each other for life.

    All I will say, is that people don't embark on what they hope to be a long-term relationship, unless things were working out for them at some point in time. We are all individuals with our own individual needs and will never know precisely what it is, or was, in others that attracted them to each other.

    I don't profess to have any counselling skills, but I'm a good listener, and am non-judgemental, so it isn't uncommon that people confide in me. Mostly what I hear in complaints from one side rarely tally with my expectations of what the other side would be like and when I hear the other side of the story, my expectations of the first side are dashed.

    Perhaps we sometimes need to reflect on the wisdom in the story of Jack Spratt and his wife, one of which was unable to eat any fat and the other unable to eat any lean. We might speculate whether Jack Spratt denied his wife any lean, but we can also speculate whether the wife denied her husband of any of the fat she wanted to keep for herself, can't we?

    The reason we need to reflect on this is that despite the fact that what seemed perfect for one, wasn't right for the other and yet, so the story goes, they managed to live harmoniously by complementing the shortfallings of the other.

    Relationships are complicated. I've known people who by nature are frugal, allow their partners to be profligate with their money. How on earth could such a relationship last five minutes?

    Well here's the truth: Either frugality or profligacy are extreme and abnormal conditions. The frugal person is denying themself the opportunity to spend their money, but it doesn't necessarilly mean they are a miser. They might enjoy the chance of their money being spent when it's done through the projection of someone else.

    Think about it. The world is full of givers and takers. How frustrating would it be for a giver if they could never find a taker?

    The bottom line in all of this is not to advise a relationship to end until someone gifted in understanding how relationships work has counselled you try and understand what is actually going on when things get tough and see if there's anything that can be done to resolve the differences.

    Often there is, but for counselling to work, both parties need to have open minds, either during the counselling or just to think about it at their own pace.

    It takes two to tango and when you can tango together, how much more satisfying is that, than joining a conga where everyone chants leave at the da-da at the end of each bar?
  15. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    Not so much brave, more like a long time coming :/

    I have actually already started saving money separately in case things go south so I guess that is one good thing.
  16. circuskevin

    circuskevin Established commenter

    Does he have a job?

  17. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    Definitely more exciting to tango together lol

    I actually share your view of long term relationships. No one enters a marriage hoping for it to end badly.
    We are always very good at presenting ourselves very sympathetically, of course. To our families and our friends, to strangers who lend an ear. But it does take two to tango. And I can't claim to be blameless. I really don't want my marriage to end. Actually posting this thread on here has made me realise that. I'm going to see where I am going wrong before I do anything. Until I have exhausted all avenues, I won't make any moves.
    Thanks for your reply.

    There has been lots of great advice on this thread making me realise I need to have this as a very serious conversation with my husband.
    emerald52 likes this.
  18. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    Do you love him?
  19. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    Loving someone is no reason for putting up with shittty or abusive behaviour from them.
    Alice K and Aquamarina1234 like this.
  20. Nellyfuf2

    Nellyfuf2 Established commenter

    Of course she loves him!
    But no matter what her self owned faults and failings .....
    ...this is not a good place to be in and sounds very abusive. Yes, abusive marriages continue. And kids might just be OK.
    Maybe not.
    No one wants to be alone with two kids etc. Loneliness is a hard path.
    Oh dear.

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