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How do you know when it's time to call it quits on a marriage?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by TroubledTeacher1, Oct 16, 2019.

  1. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    What signs were there and are you better for it?

    Background-married almost 8 years. The constant criticism, feeling I can do nothing right and lack of support is wearing me down.

    I married a true mama's boy and have a child already and another one on the way. I can't imagine still being in this position of feeling like this for the next 20 years.

    And yet. I think of the kids and the future.

    I am a person of colour and my culture is very anti divorce.
  2. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    As a teacher I always see the kids who go to different homes at weekends, or the kids who don't like their step parents. The kids who struggle with divorce and living with both parents under different roofs. They struggle in school. As a general observation, they seem more anxious, some of them are naughtier. More stressed. Etc. Etc.

    And yet, I don't know if I want to stay here anymore.

    I have yet to tell my husband that I've had enough of babysitting him and being shouted at by him all the time. :/
  3. smoothnewt

    smoothnewt Star commenter

    Sorry to read this and that you find yourself in this position. The logical first step would be to have a conversation with him about how you are feeling in response to the way he is behaving towards you. Depending on how he responds, counselling may be a way forward?
    emerald52, HelenREMfan and mothorchid like this.
  4. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    If there was a way to solve things, I'd be more than happy to try them.

    I'm certainly not perfect and I have my fair share of bad habits, negative behaviours that I bring to the table but

    Let me just give an example of the things I deal with

    Gave the husband some tea for breakfast. Was told it is rubbish as per usual. He tells me this every morning in no uncertain terms. Told him to make his own tea next time then. Husband flips. Apparently I'm not allowed to say that to him. Of course, his dear mama always did everything for him. I apparently can't even iron a t-shirt correctly or take care of my firstborn correctly. Because him taking his clothes off despite my repeatedly telling him not to, and him subsequently developing a slight runny nose is always my fault, of course. Does this sound silly?

    Another example is if I forget something he flips out and just swears and swears at me and shouts. And if I say anything back, he is furious that I said something back to him. If I don't speak to him for a while after being mistreated (I hate being sworn at!) He thinks I should have forgotten it within 5 minutes.

    It is just frustrating. I feel trapped and yet I don't want to leave behind the image I had of being married til I am old and grey

    When you put constant incidences of shouting and criticism and a lot of swearing always aimed at me, together for the last three years, you start feeling like you'd be better off alone.

    I'd try marital counselling but it is very expensive too
  5. Rott Weiler

    Rott Weiler Star commenter Forum guide

    TroubledTeacher1 likes this.
  6. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    I will have the conversation. Just worried about how sour that conversation will be. Lots of mudslinging will commence. Whereas I just want to have a calm conversation.

    Or he won't take the conversation seriously
  7. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    I know I'm not the only one. But that eggshell comment ring a bell.

    I always feel like I am treading on eggshells. When he comes home and takes stock of something out of place in the living room or kitchen and then I wait for him to explode in anger. :/

    I wish he would just calm down a bit.
  8. jellycowfish

    jellycowfish Occasional commenter

    This is a bullying relationship, not a marriage. I made the decision to split up from my husband although I had 3 young children, and it’s the best thing I did - but also the hardest.
    Yes, my 5 year old was affected greatly, though the other 2 who were younger adapted more easily.
    But for them to grow up in an abusive and toxic atmosphere would be far more harmful and I know I did the right thing. My 2 oldest are now at university and my youngest is also doing well. Being a single parent doesn’t always mean the children can’t succeed.
    We tried counselling but it (obviously) didn’t work. It can be expensive, but Relate only asked us for what we could afford to give. I’m not sure if that is still the system, but worth a try.
    Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
  9. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    Whenever I broach the subject of how he makes me feel, he just shuts me down by saying I am just over sensitive and that other people (insert name XYZ here) do the same and aren't faced with such apparent 'over-sensitivity'
  10. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    Thank you. I'll look at relate. I feel like a shell of my former self. Literally a dried out shell of my former self.

    I actually don't even think he loves me anyway and yet I wanted the marriage to work.
    jellycowfish likes this.
  11. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Sounds like you need to sit down with an objective counsellor who will listen to both sides of the story, if possible. Whilst we're only hearing your side at present, it certainly doesn't sound like a very equal relationship.

    To my mind equality is at the core of any long-term 21st century relationship, but that's only an opinion, and like you say, there may be cultural issues you're contending with as well as hubby's personality.

    Talk with somebody who's trained in these things, even if it's only you talking and not him.
    TroubledTeacher1 likes this.
  12. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    I agree. On a forum it is always one person presenting their view. I have mentioned up above somewhere that I also come with many behaviours and habits.

    I would just like things to be peaceful and happy again. XD

    You are right. The issues are largely culturally based and there is no easy solution.

    How do you change a mindset developed from childhood. It is very difficult.

    In hindsight, I should have thought long and hard before entering this relationship. I had my own expectations and my husband has his own of a wife who will do exactly as is asked of him at all times and will not answer back when 'spoken' to
  13. Bedlam3

    Bedlam3 Star commenter

    Think back... Has it ever been a good marriage? Was it good when you first met and for the first few years? If it was then maybe it's the stresses of life and having young children that is causing the difficulties.

    If it's never been good then it's probably unlikely to ever be good.
  14. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    This is the most useful reply here.

    I will try to speak to someone about these issues. Even if it is me on my own, I suppose I may clarify things for myself at least
    Alice K and magic surf bus like this.
  15. TroubledTeacher1

    TroubledTeacher1 New commenter

    Well I'd say things have certainly escalated since having my first child. Things were manageable before that.

    Good point there
    emerald52 likes this.
  16. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    You need some counselling I think.

    All marriages go through peaks and troughs. This sounds something pretty serious.
  17. chelsea2

    chelsea2 Star commenter

    There's been a lot recently about 'coercive control'. What you say resonates with that. You both need help.
    But if there is no change, then a future without him sounds preferable to a future with him.
  18. sbkrobson

    sbkrobson Star commenter

    Open your eyes please. There's a lot of presumption in there.
    Have a look also at some kids who are raised in sweary shouty environments, such as the scenarios you describe in your own home. I think you'll be able to make observations there too.
  19. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    The man whom you describe sounds emotionally immature. He may be jealous of the time and attention which your first child needs. That's not going to improve when you have two children.
    A few thoughts, in no particular order:
    He doesn't sound as if he's helping out much around the house. Or have I misunderstood? Is there anything you can look at and say is good about this relationship? Is his relationship with his family a good one or is it difficult? What about his parents' marriage? Does he have a good model to draw on or not?
    Sorry to hear things are difficult. It doesn't come over as if there is an easy fix here.
    emerald52 likes this.
  20. hplovegame48

    hplovegame48 New commenter

    So sorry to hear this. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation about the state of play.

    I can only speak from personal experience- I've been there and I followed my gut, resulting in divorce. I'm not advising you to do that but if an honest conversation doesn't alter things, you may need to make a difficult decision. All I can say is that looking back, I'm happier mentally and physically.

    Thinking of you.
    sabrinakat likes this.

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