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How do you decide whether to go to a funeral or to stay away?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by lindenlea, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    @kibosh I don't want to rain on your parade, but just be aware that the poem represents how you feel about death... bear in mind that for the parents this may not be (almost certainly isn't at the current time, but of course you know them better) the case. The children did die. The grief is going to be terribly raw for a while and that poem, beautiful as it is, may seem to be 'glossing over' the pain they are feeling. Sometimes less is more in a card.

    I'm not saying don't - if you know your friends are at the point where they can see it like this then fine, but just be aware of where they may be on their journey through this.
    kibosh likes this.
  2. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    I must admit that thought had occurred to me monica. After all a death of a child is somewhat different.
    What about these, though there may be many more

  3. Eureka!

    Eureka! Lead commenter

    Could I suggest that funerals are for the benefit of the living only. If it benefits the living sufficiently to make the effort then go; otherwise no.
  4. Eureka!

    Eureka! Lead commenter

    Sorry for the clichéd post - should've read the thread first.
  5. Dragonlady30

    Dragonlady30 Star commenter

    As a bereaved parent, they will not be in any state to fully understand what's going on. I likened it to the brain acting like a lock-gate on a canal-just allowing a little emotion through at a time. If the mind was bombarded with the pain of loss all at once, I honestly believe it would be a killer. I felt as though I were in a bubble, not fully able to take a part in anything.

    The poems, from what I have read, are beautiful. I couldn't read them properly. I occasionally go back to the box of cards and letters and gain comfort from them as they were sent full of love and care.
  6. Shedman

    Shedman Star commenter

    Go and use the occasion to remember the good and happy times you shared which, I guess, must have been years. No doubt you have fond memories of the time you were close and by letting the occasion slip by you may regret letting those happy times go unacknowledged.
  7. Shedman

    Shedman Star commenter

    Will there be a good buffet?
    grumpydogwoman likes this.
  8. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Actually it doesn't. But you are correct in that the poem may not reflect how they feel either. (argh!) See the thing is, we have already sent a card of sympathy and responded to stuff posted on FB in a minimalist manner - the less is more, thing. I'm now thinking I can't send this card for the funeral with yet another 'less is more' type message contained within it, hence me thinking something a bit more effusive and wordy, like the poem, might be more appropriate.

    And now I'm overthinking it. :confused:

    That's a good analogy.
  9. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    I think I would say I was terribly saddened and upset by their loss and how they are suffering. Maybe recall a happy memory of the children. That might be something unique you could offer that would comfort them. When a friend of mine lost her son she wanted to talk and talk about him, so a recollection special to you might be a special gift to them
  10. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Why send a second card?

    You'll be on the list as having gone to the funeral if, at some later date, they check the undertaker's roll-call.

    Better just to go and simply be there.

    Actually it isn't the funeral that's the big deal. It's the weeks and months after when everyone else forgets and goes back to normal and you're thinking, "How can this be?"
  11. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    @kibosh I didn't realise you'd already sent a card. How about just saying something like how sorry you are that you can't be there, but that you will be thinking of them and all the family on the day, and send love and support. And maybe that you are there for them for as long as, afterwards.

    This will take them a long time to process, and they will need someone who is prepared to just listen while they do so.
    Lara mfl 05 and kibosh like this.
  12. newposter

    newposter Occasional commenter

    If you miss it, that's something you'll never be able to undo.
    ValentinoRossi likes this.
  13. minnie me

    minnie me Star commenter

    Got me thinking . Have not seen my one bridesmaid in 30 odd years We were very close at college and lived to gether here and in France. Happy happy days. Christmas cards only now although I don't relate too much to what is going on in her life. Lives in the Northeast and I am in the Northwest. I would not be attending if circumstances similar. Memories in my head would be enough and if the family could not get THEIR heads around it then so be it ....
    lindenlea and grumpydogwoman like this.
  14. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Personally speaking I won't give a flying **** about the quality of the buffet if I'm dead, but I'm sure the family would make the effort to buy another pack of hula hoops if they knew you were attending.:)
  15. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    This is what I have done.
    lindenlea likes this.
  16. Dragonlady30

    Dragonlady30 Star commenter

    I know that some folks feel conscious that they do not want to upset bereaved parents and so say nothing. I remember some folks crossing the road away from us rather than just say a little something-I was so sorry when I heard. The 'I'm sorry for your loss' has lost it's meaning as its used in every US and UK police drama for years.

    Believe me, there is nothing one could say which would make a bereaved parent feel worse.
  17. grumbleweed

    grumbleweed Lead commenter

    Absolutely agree Dragonlady30. We dispaired at people crossing the road in order to avoid having to say something. We nicknamed it the leper syndrome.
    I was just touched that people made the effort to say something, anything, whilst knowing they couldn't really say anything that would take away the pain, but at the same time, knowing they were having conversations such as this and were therfore thinking about us.

    In these circumstances I don't think I'd go on the basis that if I couldn't make the effort to rebuild a relationship while alive, why do so after death. I lost touch with my best friends over the years and im not sure how I'd feel, I suppose if the surviving partner got in touch with me to tell me, then I'd take that as an indicator that they wanted me to know for a reason. Otherwise I'd probably not find out until weeks or months later.
    Dragonlady30 and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  18. Shedman

    Shedman Star commenter

    The offer of the Hula Hoops has led me to believe that there may not be such a luxurious spread as I anticipated. Are you Scottish by any chance and if so will I need to wear a kilt?
  19. delnon

    delnon Lead commenter

    I'd go.
    When Mum died I went through her addressbook and informed every friend and relative listed there whom I could identify.
    I was disappointed when some family members and friends didn't appear at Mum's funeral, though they knew about it.
    It was an opportunity for them to pay their last respects to a fine mother (and a sometimes prickly character) and I'm still saddened that some of them did not take it.
    The dead have no more time to come, but we who live and are not infirm are rich in time.
    A funeral is a unique event: each of us has only one, and then we are gone.
    Go there, pay your respects. Our family and friends know more about us than they will say; other people must feel the same way as you do. Tact is an essential quality for most of us.
    It may well be that you will have fewer regrets if you do go than if you do not.
  20. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    I'm not Scottish but you can wear a kilt if you like. Just promise not to bend over if you drop one of your Hula Hoops.
    Shedman and ValentinoRossi like this.

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