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How do I tell my partner I don't want to be a teacher anymore?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by petitchat, Apr 28, 2011.

  1. Hi all,
    I have been with my partner for 6 years. We are happy together and thinking about getting engaged this year. He has a very good job in the chemical industry and I qualified as a teacher four years ago.
    I was made redundant from the prep school I was working at in July 2009 and have been finding it very difficult to get another job. I have done some supply teaching but I have had some really bad experience that have led me to question whether teaching is really made for me. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to be a teacher anymore.
    I have tried to look at other options (including working from home) but every time I mention it to my partner he dismisses them and thinks I should stick to being a teacher because that is what I am qualified to do. I do have an interview on Tuesday at a comprehensive school and my boyfriend has already warned me that he expects me to take the job if offered.
    I understand the fact that he doesn't want me to stay at home all the time and would like me to have a career of my own but I think he should not be pressurising me the way he is doing (especially so as we are financially sound). I now feel that he is indirecty trying to control my life without realising it.

    What should I do? Advice very much required.
  2. I'm sorry to sound flippant, but I'd also consider whether I wanted to be his girlfriend.
  3. bizent

    bizent Star commenter

    Warned you???!!! Did you "warn" him that you are a human being and to go **** himself?
  4. Your boyfriend sounds like a total pr.ick Im afraid

    'my boyfriend has already warned me that he expects me to take the job if offered'

    Thats not his job, his role as a partner is to support you and respect you in whatever you think is right and will make you happy.
  5. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    Firstly we all have t'he dont want to be a teacher' bit.....I have taught for over 30 years and i used to get it many times.Now im retired(although will only be doing some daily supply)So what you have is not new, an the experiences of supply dont always help.
    Are you sure its not the experiences of supply which is causing you to doubt/.Life is not going to get easier looking for a job but you might try one of the TES job clinics to improve say your CV
    As to the man.....I can understand his concern , as most men feel women tend to put it on...however, I do feel concerned that he seems to have less than sympathy for yor situation.A loving couple should at least st down and talk it through and offer mutual support.

  6. Crowbob

    Crowbob Senior commenter

    Nope, indeed. He does, however, seem to have a job that is keeping his partner "financially secure".
  7. You don't say how old you are petitchat, but my guess is not very old. You could therefore train for something else. I retrained at the age of 48 so time is definitely on your side.
    You need to think carefully about what you really want to do and then present it to him as a fait accompli - I am going to train as,.... set up a business doing ....(and I have already spoken to the bank and done a business plan). Do the research and have all the facts and figures at your fingertips.
    I don't like the sound of him "warning" you but I can understand that he probably doesn't want you drifting and having to support you. No reason why he should at this stage in your lives - you aren't at retirement age, you have no children.
    So, be practical. Decide what you would be happier doing. Make a plan. Do it.
  8. I decided after only two years to not continue teaching, as I did not feel I was doing it well and I am not resilient enough to deal with the job, and maintain my health.
    I have not worked since July last year, and I am looking, vaguely, but not sure what I want to do next. I'm also training seriously for my sport, which I did not have the energy or motivation to do while teaching. I'm also gradually working through getting all the home improvements done (or tradespeople to do them booked etc). I think my BF is just seeing, after 8 months, that there are some benefits, as we have the new bathroom, sorting out plumbing for dishwasher etc.
    He doesn't entirely understand the stress/ depression that I had, due to teaching, nor my motivation to work so hard for a sport, which is 'something that is supposed to be fun', rather than bloody hard work etc, but is not nagging me about job hunting, nor would he DARE to tell me he expected me to take a job if offered and I didn't feel happy with it. THat is not how a mutually supportive relationship should work and, while it would be hard to leave, I would do so if that was how he acted towards me.
  9. Sorry, should have mentioned, that the finances in our household are working in a similar fashion as they did when I was working, as he earnt significantly more than me. I am living on my savings at the moment, which is not ideal, but in terms of the improvement of my wellbeing, a significant improvement.
  10. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    Hi petitchat,
    Sorry, this is going to be a longish post-
    You need to tell him this and list all the reasons why you believe this
    Are you staying home all the time now? Or is it that he imagines you will be staying home and expecting him to pull in the wage?
    You have several choices here you could-
    1. try getting a teaching job in a different setting (eg Great Ormond Street Hospital has it's own teachers who do planning and delivery of lessons to ill children, perhaps there is a unit such as this in your borough/local authority)
    2. you get a completely different job in a completely different setting
    3. question whether he is actually your partner (as that implies a form of equality and mutual respect within a relationship) if he continues to dismiss your ideas.
    4.decide what you want, create a plan of action to create opportunities in other areas, then give yourself a timescale and get on with it.
    5. leave the "partner" who keeps dismissing your ideas and feelings
    There is no indirectly about this situation at all- your need of his approval is pivotal in the control that you allow him to have.
    Petitchat, is he dismissive because you have no proactive plan or is it that you are submitting to his idea of being in a relationship "professional couple".
    If you went off and did something that he didn't think was "suitable" what would be the worst that could happen?
    Would he
    a) beat you? LEAVE NOW
    b) accept it
    c) be ashamed? LEAVE NOW
    Hope this helps
  11. anon2799

    anon2799 New commenter

    You shouldtake the job only if you want it. Otherwise it would not be fair on the children or you.
    However, you should seek alternative employment. No one should expect a partner to keep them, but no one should be pressured into a job they don't want by the person who is supposed to support them most.

    Talk to him about your anxieties over teaching and if he still insists you get a teaching job, dump him.
  12. MayKasahara

    MayKasahara New commenter

    I don't like the sound of anyone 'warning' you that you have to do something as this implies a consequence if you choose not to. I think that the best way to confront this is to separate your issues with your partner from your issues with your job. It sounds like you are unsure as to whether you would want to take the job. Is this because you would be moving from the independent to the state sector? If so you may as well go to the interview and see if you like the school and, you never know, it could be the perfect new start to your teaching career. The fact that you have even got an interview is very encouraging in the present jobs market.

    Does this mean you're 'financially sound' because you're relying on him
    to pay all the bills? I hope that anyone would be supportive (both financially and emotionally) of a partner whilst they were out of
    work and struggling to get a job or if they wanted to set up a business
    or re-train for another specific job.
    I think it can be very hard for the families of people who are unemployed; I've been living with my parents for nearly 18 months doing a succession of supply and short-term contracts. I know they've found it really upsetting that I've been trying so hard and doing everything I can but haven't even managed to finish my NQT year. It must be very frustrating for him to see you so unhappy and not to be able to help you so maybe what you see as 'pressurising' could actually be his way of trying to help. If I were you I would speak to him and tell him how you feel.
  13. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I spent several years suggesting to my partner that she might like to take a few years off, (I was reasonably flush), I thought she might enjoy having the time to **** about.
    So I don't understand why he doesn't want you to use your time to please yourself.
  14. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter


    Agreed. Even if you're "financially sound" I still think you should actively be looking for employment you are happy with. He's no right to dictate that you should teach if you have viable plans to do something else: you've no right to sit at home or drift along without work expecting him to support you.
    Has he proposed yet (I remember this was an issue before)and do you have firm plans for a future together? If so perhaps you need to discuss your vision of the future and ensure that it's a shared one.
  15. No he still hasn't:) It seems ages ago since I posted on that topic. I decided that he should do it in his own time and have stopped applying the pressure on him to put a ring on my finger. And I feel that in return he has no right to force me to do a job if it isn't for me. Of course I am actively seeking alternative employment as I do not want to be financially dependent on him.
  16. You seem to think that you have somehow let him down by not being the regular wage-earning teacher that is a whole lot better paid and with more time off to wait on him than many other jobs. My husband was gutted when I told him I was "having a break" - a forever break but bad news is best served in small portions - from teaching. But he got over it. And of he hadn't I'd have had to consider why he would prefer me to continue in a position in which I was unhappy (and had made myself pretty unpopular with the HT) when we had enough money to manage.
    Ask yourself the same question.
  17. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    Any bloke who told me what to do in my professional life would be told where to get off so fast their head would spin and drop off.
    So there!
  18. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Get a divorce and marry me. I'd happily comply. I want flush-ness!!!!!!!

  19. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Flushness all gone, property developing is not what it was, the Mrs is the main earner at the moment. I do a bit of gardening, roofing, plumbing, no more fancy pants for me. Oh well.

  20. Why does it so f*cking depress me that there is still this stigma attached to female earning more then male? If you're a marriage or quasi-marriage arrangement, you're a unit, a team. If you want to carry on being two separate units operating under one rent/mortgage then carry on playing your pitiful I'm-better-cos-I-earn-more-do-as-I-say last-millennium games OR F*CKING GROW UP.
    Just don't get married. Don't pretend to be a couple. If relative earnings is the mark of your contribution to the realtionship, give it up.

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