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How can I stop stressing/thinking about it/going around in circles/beating myself up?

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by anon3279, Jun 12, 2011.

  1. I'm right at the end of my tether and can't stop wallowing [​IMG].
    I wrote a while ago that I was having some difficulties at work (the Question about a Mental Health Issue thread) and thought a solution had been presented to me. Didn't work out like that.
    So, I've been unsupported at work, placed in an incredibly vulnerable position, given so much extra work (teaching and tutorial duties) to make sure that our students pass and generally mopping up and now it seems like it's the case that I'm the worst person in the world. I can't/won't say too much but my previously unblemished record (from the last 30 years of my working life) is being questioned.
    I would seem to be the case that the situation was managed badly and now my manager is attempting to let me share the bullet with him. The really annoying/crushing thing is that I have checked at every step of the way if I'm doing the right things. I haven't been instructed to change the way I do things, I've had exemplary appraisals, reviews etc and have been promoted. How does that work?
    Someone, please, I need some tips to stop this horrible questioning/going over it all 'thing' that I've got going on.
    It's bad enough that I've had the stressed of working with someone who doesn't see the world in the same way as (for want of a better/more appropriate word) 'normal' people and have been telling my line manager for the past 5 weeks that I really can't take any more of it but this, on top, is almost the undoing of me.
    So sorry for the self-pitying rambles, I'm a complete and utter wreck.
     
  2. Torey

    Torey Occasional commenter

    Ring your union at regional level on Monday and don't attend any meetings without your union rep present.
    Teacher support line are a great place to off load to as well. You can also get free short term counselling from OH and it might help to talk through your feelings with someone face to face.

     
  3. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    I have had the similar nagging thoughts after falling out with some friends. Like you I felt very unfairly treated. I had trouble sleeping and couldn't stop thinking about it.
    As you will have with work, I had regular reminders of the situation which didn't help.
    I didn't find a way to deal with it. After several months it lessened and now, over 8 months later, it has pretty much worn off. I just wanted to let you know that, however bad it feels, it does fade eventually. I hope someone comes up with some better advice.
    (((Poeme))) x
     
  4. Thank you Torey and Bombaysapphire. I think I'm in proper medical shock about the whole thing at the moment. I haven't eaten for days, sleep is a distant memory, I'm shaking like a leaf and crying all the time. What a state to get into!
    My OH and other people close to me have reassured me that there isn't actually any evidence and that SMT are treating this in a way that is completely inappropriate but, frankly, that's not really helping me.
    Absolutely dreading work tomorrow.
     
  5. I agree with Torey. People are so afraid of infringing Equal Ops legislation that they will tie themselves in knots to not give offence to someone with MH problems. That means someone else ends up taking the bullet for them. Have your rep involved all along the line.
    Sorry i can't think of anything beyond medication to help calm you down. It's an awful situation and so unjust.
     
  6. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter


    You need help to break the vicious circle of negative thoughts that are driving you mad. I'm sure the doc would help you out but I also think you can do a lot for yourself in the meantime.
    http://selfhypnosistherapy.com/overcoming-anxiety.html
    You may not like it but if you can concentrate on it , it may help. Perhaps just start by thinking about becoming calmer. It has helped me sleep in the past too. You have my sympathy.







     
  7. Hi, that looks like a very intersting link. I'll have a good look through. Anything will help at the moment, so I'm very grateful.
    Thank you.
     
  8. You are completely right about the Equal Ops thing (I suppose also the Disability Discrimination Act etc). It has been a matter of concern for my manager all the way through... read into that what you will [​IMG].
    I've been reading up on harassment/bullying etc which has been useful. Also, it would seem that I might be able to ask questions about why other treatment was dished out to me.
     
  9. Not sue if you are 'in too deep' for this but it has worked for me.
    Put aside a block of time, 5 mins, 30 mins, whatever and allocate that to worrying. Pu it in your diary like a propper appointment,
    At the selected time, go to your selected space and worry - as much as you want, cry, scream, teaar things to pieces (tissues are great for this) and then stop worrying for the rest of the day.

    Hope things get better for you
     
  10. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    I'm not sure if this will help but when I get stressed I do the following:
    1. write the "problem" down (whatever it is), list what I have done to "deal/ sort/ organise" the problem.
    2. find evidence (if required) to back up 1. I might go so far as to ask for advice or get photocopies of stuff to prove what I've done.

    I find that if I can do something "physical" to deal with whatever it is that is upsetting me then I tend to calm down. For example, if I get a letter that upsets me I write one in reply, I might not send it but the act of writing calms me - if that makes sense?

    In your case it might mean that you would:
    1. Speak to the regional office about mental health and what you are required to do as a xyz manager to support the individual. Get them to send a copy to you.
    2. Speak to HR about the guidelines for dealing with mental health. Get them to send a copy.
    3. Then find the evidence that you have followed the guidelines, if you haven't followed the guidelines, why haven't you? is it because the advice you've been given is wrong? Did you seek advice in writing?

    Sorry it's a bit rambly and it's probably not helpful...
     
  11. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    Grrr, just let me at 'em, poeme...

    BASH! THWACK! WALLOP!

    Not very positive, I know, but you're nice and I felt aggrieved on your behalf.
    You're not a self-pitying rambler. You are a decent, hard-working, professional human being.


     
  12. Sash and Marshy, they sound like really useful things I can do - I'm going to try them so a BIG thank you!
    Inky, that made me laugh! Very kind words and a big thank you to you too.
    A better day. I've taken advice and there's absolutely no case to answer. All of the evidence supports the fact that I've done nothing wrong, in fact supports the fact that I've done everything right and have gone above and beyond what I could have done.
    I'm not quite as much of a wreck as I was over the weekend and feeling a bit more positive. Hopefully the 'wobbly' moments I've had today won't happen tomorrow.
    What a fantastic group of people you are on here[​IMG]
     
  13. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I don't know how to do the nose-breaking sound. Squish? Crunch? Or perhaps a mixture of the two...[​IMG]

    Sorry.
     
  14. Hey, good for you that someone's acknowledged there's evidence that you've done everything right. You must be really really good: Most teachers have at least something, however small, that they can improve on and that usually gets blown out of proportion in a situation like this. They've obviously found nothing!
     
  15. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    That's great news. I've read (if not replied) to the thread about this individual and I was sure you had done the right thing. I'd be tempted to write down what you had done to support this person and make it clear that you have gone above and beyond what was reasonable.
    I'm cross on your behalf, so just point me and inky in the right direction [​IMG]
     
  16. It seems that my good day was a one off[​IMG]. Had the most awful week at work. It turns out that my LM is asking all sorts of people about my work, leaving me out of projects, instructing my team to do things without telling me and so on. This has had the effect that I feel completely undermined. One of my team was extremely rude to me last week, to the point where a witness even asked about it afterwards.
    I've never, ever been so low in my life. In fact, I'm barely functioning at home and am completely paranoid at work.
    How could this happen so quickly, just a couple of weeks ago I was a valued and highly respected member of staff (appraisal comments) and now I'm not. This is all with absolutely not one shred of evidence to support anything against me.
    I've always done my best to avoid workplace bullying and now, it seems, I've been sucked right in.
    I need to take time off because my health has deteriorated so quickly (not eating or sleeping) but I can't because so much responsibility has been put on me that the students would actually fail if I didn't turn up. I don't like to think of myself as indispensible, but in this instance I am.
    I don't even know what to do any more. This is all because of something that shouldn't have even been allowed to happen and it's not my fault.
    Sorry - I needed to let it out!
     
  17. Poemelectronique i'm so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Your situation sounds very complex and without knowing what the details are it would be tough to advise. It sounds like you're dealing with quite an extreme case of scapegoating/bullying by your LM though. I know it's very easy for me to say from the outside but from the information you have given us it sounds like you are worrying yourself silly unnecessarily in light of the fact that you have an impeccable record and have - like you've said repeatedly - done nothing wrong. If all the paperwork in place backs you up on this, e.g. appraisals, then they have nothing to go on, it is important that you keep telling yourself this. About 8 yrs ago I was the victim of similar bullying by SMT (I was one of many he was absolutely vile to) which went on for 9 very long months. To cut a long story short the best thing we did (and it was a collective) was ensure that all communication where possible was written so that we had evidence of their bullying. This and several other instances were brought up by the union reps and said bully's management and they were removed - albeit sideways. My advice to you is 1) Use you musical passion, either by slamming the rage out with a bit of aggressive Brahms on the piano, followed by having a very calming playlist on your ipod - might I recommend a bit of Mozart - Laudate Dominum for a starter? 2) Remember that the person that suffers the most from emotions such as anger and hate is the person feeling those emotions, not the one on the receiving end. Where possible keep kicking yourself up the backside and tell yourself to ignore their pathetic behaviour, carrying on with your day as you normally would. 3) Get your union involved immediately if they aren't already, get as many conversations as possible in writing. 4) FInd a hiding place at work, by that I mean somewhere quiet - take your marking and your ipod (complete with calming playlist) and get on with it away from those who are currently stressing you out. 5) Remember that as a musical director/accompanist you have pretty much had to deal with every tricky situation that could be thrown at you, i'm hoping that deep down you still believe you're strong enough to deal with this. I know that when I went through it the one thing that kept me going was that I was going to be ******** if one man was going to bring ME to my knees. (I'm exceptionally stubborn :))
     
  18. I forgot to mention, what about some Alexander Technique or Yoga?
     
  19. Hey, thanks Jenny for that very reassuring and motivational post[​IMG].
    What you wrote makes absolute sense and I have taken the steps you advise but, well, you know what these people are like. I am determined that this person won't bring me to my knees but it's a close call at the moment.
    I'm more in the mood for Mozart's Requiem at the moment mind (not that it's a bad choice) and I have bashed the heck out of our piano today - great therapy, isn't it?
    I will refer back to your post tomorrow from time to time just to keep me going.
    Sorry for being such a wet thing about all of this.
     
  20. Not at all, it can be absolutely horrific. When someone behaves like this in a personal relationship you can just refrain from contact but when it's someone breathing down your neck everyday it's a very different kettle of fish, especially when they're your LM! It must be serious if you're resorting to the Requiem :) Ooooo how about you had some sort of 80's theme track going on with something like Gloria Gaynor (I will survive, I am what I am) in your head as you get out at the car park and go to the building and then switch to the Rocky theme as you walk up the stairs and into the staff room. That would be much more likely to make you smile :)
     

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