1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Hi Guest, welcome to the TES Community!

    Connect with like-minded professionals and have your say on the issues that matter to you.

    Don't forget to look at the how to guide.

    Dismiss Notice

Horrible son

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Sooz22257, Jan 10, 2012.

  1. My 20 year old son swears at me and is horrible when he does not get his own way for example I would not lend him my good hoover to clean out his car(we have one for the car but it was locked in a shed we have and I did not have the key) he is very rough with things and does not respect anyone elses property, and he swore and told me to F..... off. This is not the first time he has done this. I know I spoil him as I make his lunches for work and his dinner when he comes home and I wake him up when he has a 6 o clock start in mornings. I do all his washing and am letting him off his rent at the moment as I could not afford to buy him a big present for christmas and I got his younger brother who is 14 a new laptop. I did buy him two tops and two pairs of track suit bottoms and a stocking full of wash stuff. By the way he got me a perfume which was not even wrapped.
    I am so hurt and even though he says sorry afterwards I am getting sick of his treatment of me and his brother and dad. I have decided to stop making his lunches, dinners etc and am not speaking to him at this time. I know i am supposed to be the adult etc but please could someone tell me if I am right to stop doing stuff for him. I am not working at the moment and am dead worried about money etc and I have the time to do all the stuff I do its just I am fed up with the total lack of respect from him. He is not a teenager any more and I think he has to realise he cannot talk to me the way he does. His dad would like to chuck him out, but I think thats a bit extreme. He doesnt drink or do drugs or anything its just that he is not very nice. I wold love to hear anyones comments about this as I have no one else to talk to about it.
     
  2. My 20 year old son swears at me and is horrible when he does not get his own way for example I would not lend him my good hoover to clean out his car(we have one for the car but it was locked in a shed we have and I did not have the key) he is very rough with things and does not respect anyone elses property, and he swore and told me to F..... off. This is not the first time he has done this. I know I spoil him as I make his lunches for work and his dinner when he comes home and I wake him up when he has a 6 o clock start in mornings. I do all his washing and am letting him off his rent at the moment as I could not afford to buy him a big present for christmas and I got his younger brother who is 14 a new laptop. I did buy him two tops and two pairs of track suit bottoms and a stocking full of wash stuff. By the way he got me a perfume which was not even wrapped.
    I am so hurt and even though he says sorry afterwards I am getting sick of his treatment of me and his brother and dad. I have decided to stop making his lunches, dinners etc and am not speaking to him at this time. I know i am supposed to be the adult etc but please could someone tell me if I am right to stop doing stuff for him. I am not working at the moment and am dead worried about money etc and I have the time to do all the stuff I do its just I am fed up with the total lack of respect from him. He is not a teenager any more and I think he has to realise he cannot talk to me the way he does. His dad would like to chuck him out, but I think thats a bit extreme. He doesnt drink or do drugs or anything its just that he is not very nice. I wold love to hear anyones comments about this as I have no one else to talk to about it.
     
  3. Show him the door. Close it behind him. Change the locks.
    More fool you.
    Sorry, but you've brought his behaviour on yourself. He's a grown up - treat him like one.

     
  4. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    So is he
    Kick the disrespectful **** out
     
  5. You don't have anyone to talk to? Friends? Family?
     
  6. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    I'm with dad!
     
  7. My mum died four years ago and my sister two years ago. My best friend lives in England and I do talk to her but I just wanted to see if I was overreacting to his behaviour, but from the responses so far perhaps I am not. I am quite mild mannered and calm most of the time and I keep thinking I should not alienate him but I think I have to get tougher with him. I have tried having sensible talks with him but they dont work. All my other friends seem to have lovely sons and I cant bare to tell them all the problems I am having with this one, my other son is lovely - he has his moments but never as hurtful as the older boy, I know I have brought a lot of this on myself but how to fix it is the problem.
     
  8. What kind of daft comment is that? The OP has come to this forum for some impartial opinions.
    p.s. kick him out!
     
  9. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    When I was his age I was living in a caravan and I could swear as much as I liked.
     
  10. Captain Obvious

    Captain Obvious New commenter

    Start by withdrawing all those privileges. See how he likes doing his own lunch and actually managing his own life.
    He'll sulk for a while, but could well realise how much of an idiot he's been.
    If nothing changes, then kick him out. Resorting to that straight away leaves you no other options and is just going to completely sour the relationship, which might be fixable once it's rebalanced.
     
  11. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    Agree with seren. Why are you putting up with it?
     
  12. kittylion

    kittylion Established commenter

    I Have been racking my brains a bit here - but for what it's worth, this is what I think.

    I think you and his father should show a united front. Get him privately (not within earshot of his brother or anyone else) and tell him that:-

    1 You are no longer prepared to make his lunches etc

    2 He must pay his way

    3 He must treat both his parents with respect - any more swearing and aggression and you will not only ask him to leave but give him a deadline

    Then do it

    If he sees that you are both serious - try not to get angry or upset - he might realise that you mean business. It might mean that he calls your bluff and he might have to sleep on a friend's floor for a while - this might mean changing a lock or iinsisting on him giving back his key.
     
  13. Mangleworzle

    Mangleworzle Star commenter

    Were you Popeye the sailor man?
     
  14. I think I have been putting up with it as he says sorry and I think ok, I will accept his apology and get on with things. He is then all right for a while although still does nothing in house. I think I am still treating him like a teenager as has been stated here, I need to treat him like an adult. We will see how I get on. I don't hate him or want to throw him out I just want him to grow up and be civilised to everyone especially me!!
     
  15. Whilst I think mine is the right answer I feel for you, sooz - and I'm being a bit hypocritical as my daughter went through a truly vile stage during which her behaviour was totally unacceptable. However, she was a bit younger than your son and ended up having a baby and I didn't want him to be stuck exclusively with her so despite the temptation to do so I didn't throw her out!
    She's through it now - and is a reasonable human being who has since apologised for being horrible. She left home a couple of years ago (aged 20) and that contributed enormously to her becoming much more pleasant.

     
  16. For what its worth ........
    he is being treated like a child and possibly feels a bit silly and frusrated - hence the temper.
    let him be what he can be - responsible for himself. He can still do that whilst living with you if circumstances dictate.
    Decide what you will and will not be doing. He can feed himself, sort his laundry, iron it etc and he can be polite, chaqnge his bed. Its no big deal.
    If he strops, walk away. You dont have to deal with strops. If he is careless with property, make him resposible for correcting any repairs etc.
    Be canny if you can. Ask him for his help whenever you can. Thank him for any thing he does for you, he might find being grown up a bit of a challenge at first so will welcome indications that he is doing ok.
    All the best.



     
  17. wordsworth

    wordsworth Senior commenter

    Pardon me for asking, OP, but in general how does your husband treat you? I just wondered if maybe he saw you being taken for granted and maybe thought it was ok to treat you unkindly.
     
  18. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    Perhaps your friends are teh same as you and are not telling you about the problems they have with their ostensibly 'lovely' sons
     
  19. kittylion

    kittylion Established commenter

    When I suggested giving him an ultimatum and and deadline, I thought that maybe a few nights sleeping on a mate's floor might make him appreciate what he's already got. I didn't really think you should throw him out permanently - just that maybe he needed a short sharp shock and to be made to see that you weren't willing to be treated as a doormat.

    I have sons in their twenties who live at home and wouldn't like to throw them out - not that they've sworn at me but they have their moments even now lol.

    Hope it goes ok - stay firm!!
     
  20. JTL

    JTL Occasional commenter

    I can sympathise with you wholeheartedly OP as my son can behave in similar ways and he is 22. He does virtually nothing around the house, never thanks me for cleaning his room, which I do when I can stand it no longer and visitors are coming, in fact when I point out that he has not thanked me, he immediately moans that when I clean it he cannot find things.
    He is often rude to me even though he knows it will upset me. I get the blame for petty little things which annoy him, like a toilet roll running out or he cannot find something. It's my fault he hasn't got a girlfriend as I sent him to an all boys' school!
    I buy all his toiletries because if I didn't, he would just use his dad's. I don't like asking him to do things as it often results in an arguement.
    However, he rarely misses work, he is a good timekeeper and well thought of. He is very popular with his mates and they are a good bunch of lads. He pays his rent on time with a good heart. He is not in debt and is honest and reliable.
    I tend to use humour in dealing with him as confrontation does not work. When he has been particularly rude I ignore him for a few days. He soon gets the message. Meanwhile, his dad who is also non confrontational, has a word and he does listen to him, even if he disagrees.
    His older brother and sister occasionally tell him straight that his attitude is not acceptable, and he needs to grow up,but all three get on really well together. The older ones have lived away from home and say as a result that they appreciate what I and their dad do for them.
    We have warned him that if he continues to be rude he can find somewhere else to live and in lighter moments ask if any of his mates are moving out of home, and couldn't they get a place together? It does not help that some of his mates' parents do not ask for any rent, take them on holiday and pay for everything, and constantly bale them out when they need financial help. My son then feels that he is not 'spoilt', despite having had a very happy childhood and opportunities to do things that others have not had. It's just that we have not thrown money at him.
    To be honest, I feel that he just needs to mature. He is getting better and the vile moments getting less frequent. He always has seemed younger than his years and was a lovely lad during his teens. I think he is a late developer.
    I hope your son soon realises how badly he has been behaving and starts to appreciate you. It is easy to tell others to simply chuck the offending offspring out. Having put so much time and love into bringing them up it seems hard to throw it all away. In another 6 months things may have changed completely - a new job, friends etc can make all the difference.
    Try to focus on his good points in those awful moments. It won't last forever and good luck.
     

Share This Page