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Home sick

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Bonnie23, Aug 2, 2017.

  1. Bonnie23

    Bonnie23 Occasional commenter

    I feel ridiculous to post this. I fully moved out of my parents 3 years ago and yet I keep getting home sick to the point where I don't eat or sleep.

    Some of you will have seen my post yesterday about family vs job but today I just feel worse.

    I can't eat or sleep because of my anxiety and honestly I feel like I'm in a pit of anxiety. I've never been to my GP about this because I don't want medicine thrown at me.

    I'm not good at making new connections and I think this has been a downfall.

    What I need right now are coping mechanisms. If any of you have any please tell me.

    I'm sick of crying and being upset. I'm meant to move house in three days but no where near family and the stress of the move is making me feel incapable of anything. It's also the anniversary of my nan's death and I don't have much family left.

    As much as people love the summer holidays at this point I can't stand it. Every time I go to visit my parents I come back more upset.

    I'm running out of ways to cope.
  2. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Move back to nearer your parents. Having read both threads, there's no other answer!
    bonxie, sabrinakat, mathsmutt and 5 others like this.
  3. caterpillartobutterfly

    caterpillartobutterfly Star commenter

    Can your parents come and help you with the house move?
    Then go back home for the rest of the summer. Talk to them about how you feel and make some plans. See a doctor as well, you may benefit from some counselling or anti-depressants.
    Hand your notice in when you return in September and you'll be home by Christmas.
    phlogiston, bonxie, mathsmutt and 3 others like this.
  4. jubilee

    jubilee Star commenter

    I think that you need to see your GP. It may be that your anxiety is also affecting your sleep, and that in turn is exacerbating the anxiety and making you lose perspective.
    You might need some low-dose medication for a while in conjunction with some counselling, or just counselling.
    Either way, the fact that you are posting on TES means that you know you need help. Please get it from professionals who will know what is happening to you.
  5. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Not ridiculous at all.

    Miles from home with no friends. We're not all good at making friends. It's perfectly normal. And moving! Who wouldn't feel like hell???

    Your attitude to meds is your own concern. I don't share it.

    You have an allergy. You take an anti-histamine. I have mild depression. I take fluoxetine. Doesn't make me weak. Just makes me better at coping.

    Get the move out of the way. Then reconsider. Maybe you can get by on a few glasses of wine and a chocolate-binge before getting drunk or fat or both.

    But start scouring the jobs pages. You have moved to where the work is. I know what that's like. But nothing is working out for you. No friends. No family. Your job isn't giving you a lot of satisfaction. No boxes are getting ticked. The way you feel? You sound as if you badly need to get back to your roots and stay there. Which will mean other kinds of sacrifice and compromise.

    Short-term? You just have to get on with what you have to do but promise yourself that in 2018 you'll make it back to your former haunts.
    JWTBH, install, bonxie and 7 others like this.
  6. knitone

    knitone Lead commenter

    I know it's a major undertaking, but have you considered getting a dog? You would have companionship at home; you would be forced to go for walks which is of great benefit to your mental wellbeing and you would be surprised at the number of people who stop and chat if you have a dog.
  7. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    You need to find a solution or it will blight the rest of your life.
  8. Bonnie23

    Bonnie23 Occasional commenter

    Thank you all for your replies.

    I'm just so sick of feeling like this and just when I think I'm over it, it starts all over again.

    Stupidly I'm not registered with a GP. Any time I've been ill I just use the 111 service. I can't get to the doctors to discuss the problem, I'm not sure one of the walk in clinics would be willing to help with this if I'm not a permanent patient?

    In the note to getting a dog, I desperately wanted one but my new tenancy doesn't allow pets and I didn't feel that it was fair on the dog while I was at work and it worked out too expensive to get someone to come and let them out while I was at work etc.
  9. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    First step is to register with a GP wherever you are I think.
  10. Geoff Thomas

    Geoff Thomas Star commenter

    I am no expert, far from it, but your posts over the last two days suggest to me, very strongly, that you need to see a medical practitioner sooner rather than later.

    Go to your nearest GP and make an appointment.

  11. peggylu

    peggylu Star commenter

    If your parents are ok with it just move back home for a while. Your instincts are telling you that you are in need of family support, love and comfort. Listen to these instincts. Sometimes we all just need to press the reset or pause button in our lives.

    I have 2 sons in their 20's and I would be devastated if I thought one of them was feeling like this everyday and didn't just come home or contact me for a bit of help and support if they needed it.

    Talk to your parents today, phone home when you've read this post, show your mum what you've written on these threads, let them help you a bit. You sound like you have a close knit family, they will want to help, remember, that's what family is for, to be there for one another.

    You will get through this time in your life and move on feeling stronger before you know it, honestly. x

    The post below is very good advice.

  12. install

    install Star commenter

    1 Listen to your feelings...be brave.
    2 When you are back to work - look for a job within 30 minutes of your parents and family
    3 Use every weekend and get home to your parents every weekend without fail
    4 View your job as just working away from home -at the moment
    5 Look after your health, your feelings and what makes and keeps you happy

    If you listen to your own feelings and act on them, you will find what you want...

    Good luck...you will cope and you must tell your parents and family how much they mean to you.
  13. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Register with a GP today. Just get it done.
    Then make an appointment to ask if there is any CBT therapy available to help you form the strategies you need.
  14. sbkrobson

    sbkrobson Star commenter

    It's quite normal to feel that if alone without the company of others you somehow don't "exist". That can stop you even getting a cup of tea for yourself. Do you think this syndrome is you?
    As well as the pragmatism of connecting freely with your parents to feel better, it's good to reflect on how empowered you are as a person to be autonomous, because even if you live with or near your parents there will still be times when they are not at your side and you need to self-propel into filling your day.
    In bleak moments of silence and lack of company there are strategies for lifting yourself. You've actually adopted one already by coming here. Don't underestimate the power of radio or TV too. They make you hear words which are not inside your head, they make the world bigger for you.
    A calendar is useful too-you can add in advance any times when you know you are going to be together with somebody. It might be family, friends, work, leisure, walking around, volunteering, asking a neighbour in or going over to them. When you see that calendar it will buoy you up. If you feel empty and alone, you can see the time limits on it.
    It's never for ever.

    There are some good ideas on this thread for you, but nothing is tailor made, you have to cherry pick from whatever resounds, if anything. Main thing is, you come here, we hear you and respond, you are not alone.
  15. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    Moving house is recognised as one of the most stressful things in life and it can trigger all sorts of feelings. Phone your nearest GP now and ask if you can come in, fill in a registration form and make an appointment at the same time.

    Don't make any absolute decisions while you're feeling this bad but, once you've moved, start thinking about the long term.
  16. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    Medicine isn't thrown at you. It's offered after careful consultation and can be a great help. Would you refuse medication for asthma, or an infection or other physical problem? You have accepted that you're not well and not coping, so you have to accept help with that. It's not weakness, it's sensible. You might be offered alternatives to medicine anyway and talking therapies can be really helpful and help to change how you're feeling.

    Keep posting, we'll keep listening and may be able to help in making you feel better.
  17. frangipani123

    frangipani123 Lead commenter

    I recognise some of your feelings from experiences I've had in my own life. Moving house is not fun for anyone, so just put one foot in front of the other and do it, try to rope in some help if you can.

    Agree that you should register with a GP. All part of self care.

    Regarding location and work, there a number of threads on here about moving out of teaching so have a look for those. Large employers like the NHS and universities can have a variety of interesting posts - many of the Administrators at the university I worked at were graduates and they seemed to enjoy their roles, and there is usually the opportunity to move to other types of work.

    I lived in Australia for several years and felt very homesick and dithered a lot about coming home. In the end my mum was diagnosed with cancer and I returned to help care for her. I wish I'd made the move earlier when she was still well.

    Four hours travelling would feel like a long way for me too. I lived in London and would leave work on a Friday night and get back to my home town by about 8-8.30 pm. So door to door c 3.5 hours. Living Australia people would think nothing of driving from Sydney to Canberra for weekend (6 hours each way) and even Melbourne (overnight). If you could live a more drivable distance I do think that would help your mental health.

    Many people have faced these challenges and I'm sure you won't be the last, but it does take time to filter through the choices. You'll get there.
  18. Pageant

    Pageant Occasional commenter

    Following on from a post I made on someone else's thread a bit ago (ref to my 'interesting' life)

    I envy your parents having a daughter who needs them and actually wants to be with them!

    Two years ago I left a coercive, controlling, verbally abusive marriage of 46 years. Within that marriage we lost a five year old and my 'wonderful' husband decided he didn't much like me anymore when our second daughter was 15. Instead of taking a mistress, he did all he could to turn her against me and he succeeded. He made her his surrogate wife. I trod on egg shells for 19 years knowing that if I ever left him I would never see my daughter again.

    Three years ago this week it all came to a final head with the both of them and I fled 150 miles away to be near my sister because I knew I couldn't stay in the same town as my husband & daughter and not be hammering on her door begging her to speak to me. I left everyone and everything I'd known for 46 years. It was the worst time of my life. I cannot say I've settled here. To start with I even hated the name of the town I now live in (the town I was left at 18 to train to be a teacher). I'm still not used to it. I still don't belong here. I too am really, really homesick. I would go back tomorrow ......... until I think of how I was treated by my husband and the fact that I couldn't bear being near them and being utterly excluded.

    My sister hasn't turned out to be a great help. I want to do what she seemed to be looking forward to when I moved here ie go here there and everywhere and enjoy ourselves and our freedom (she is separated too and we both have dogs that we could be out walking together). Can I get her to go anywhere with me? No I can't.

    I have tried to make friends. My dog knows lots of people and we chat when we meet them on our walks but no friendships have happened. Luckily I am pretty comfortable with my own company but I miss what I had and the people I knew. I miss my old life............ and then I remember what my husband was like and how he made me feel.

    I've joined a Meet Up group that I found online. There might be one near you. The group I belong to are all around my age but out of interest I Googled Meet Up groups for the nearest city and for the places local to where I used to live. I was amazed how many social groups there are for young 20-30 year olds. There's one divorced drama teacher in my group who has been to every single one of the Meet Ups - around 70 in total. If I had more money to spare I'd be totting them up too! The first one I went to (meet for coffee then a meal in town) I knew no one. I spent the first hour feeling like a fish out of water but I'm going walking on Friday with more of them (and a few dogs) that I don't know but from the same group. I'm trying, really trying to make myself get out there. Have a look. Look up Meet Up Groups for wherever you are or end up living. It might help you too :)
  19. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    What a heartfelt and helpful post @Pageant. I am impressed that you sound so positive and proactive after all you have been through.

    If you can't have your own dog @Bonnie23 then you can find one to walk through Borrow my Doggie. A dog gives you a reason to get out, company and encourages other people to talk to you.
  20. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    This making new connections?

    Is it more
    a/ you're lonely and long for company?
    b/ you're not lonely but feel you must be a bit of a "loser" because you haven't made friends and must therefore be a bit of a weirdo?

    If it's a) then you do need to make an effort and follow the advice given.

    If it's b) then stop worrying about it and enjoy films, books or walks on your own. Don't feel compelled to become someone you're not.

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