Time for a little light verse - the demotic parody of the Victorian tearjerker Twas Christmas Day in the Workhouse has long been a favourite of the [regrettably] dirty minded, and so this Family-Friendly Version has much to recommend it. With thanks to LilyoftheField of blessed memory, who first posted this two [I think] Christmases ago. It is one of the few things that make me weep with laughter [the other being the joke about the shy Welshman, the gorgeous girl next door and the outside privy]. It was Christmas Day in the workhouse, the merriest day of the year, The paupers and the prisoners were all assembled there; In came the Christmas pudding, when a voice that shattered glass Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding, so stick it there with the rest of the unwanted presents" The workhouse master then arose and prepared to carve the duck He said "Who wants the parson's nose, and the prisoners shouted "you have it yourself sir" The vicar brought his bible, and read out little bits; Said one old crone at the back of the hall "This man gets on very well with everybody". The workhouse mistress then began to hand out Christmas parcels The paupers tore the wrappers off and began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears. The master rose to make a speech but, just before he started, The mistress, who was fifteen stone, gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself And all the paupers then began to pull their Christmas crackers One pauper held his too low down and blew off both his paper hat and the man's next to him A steaming bowl of white bread sauce was handed round to some; An aged gourmet called aloud "This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef" Mince pie with custard sauce was next and each received a bit; One pauper said "The mince pie's nice but the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had earlier". The mistress dishing out the food dropped custard down her front She cried "Aren't I a silly girl?” and they answered "You're a perfect picture as always ma'am!" "This pudding ", said the master, "it's solid, hard and thick: how am I going to cut it ?" And a man cried "Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle" The mistress asked the vicar to entertain his flock, he said "What would you like to see ?" And they cried "Let's see your conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching" "Your reverence may I be excused ?" said one benign old chap "I don't like conjuring tricks, I'd sooner have a carol or two around the fire" So then they all began to sing which shook the workhouse walls "Merry Christmas!" cried the master, and the inmates shouted "Best of luck to you as well sir!"