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He's just not that into you...

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by myweedyallotment, Feb 24, 2019.

  1. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    I've been working overseas for the past 2 and a bit years with the blessing of my partner of 6 years. I always thought we had a pretty healthy long distance relationship. We skype almost everyday and I go home every holiday. The thing is I've handed in my notice at my overseas school - I leave in the summer. The options are I come back to the UK or I apply for another overseas post. Every time I do talk of coming back permanently or at least mention that I'm wobbly about applying for other overseas posts for September my partner tells me that I should carry on working overseas. That he thinks it's best "for me" to carry on being overseas. He often says that he misses me and wishes I were around but I really feel he's pushing me to stay away. I'm beginning to feel very anxious about talking to him about my future. To sum it up, I kind of get that "He's just not that into you" feeling. In which case I can't see the point in our relationship continuing at all. I thought after almost 3 years away he'd be welcoming me back with open arms but that's just not the case. I feel so sad, unloved and hurt and I'm avoiding speaking to him about the issue now.
    Any comments welcome...
  2. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    It could be that he genuinely has your best interests at heart and doesn't want you to give up doing something that makes you happy OR it could be that he has become used to doing his own thing and that a long distance relationship is actually all that he wants. Either way, you need to talk to him.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  3. MissGeorgi

    MissGeorgi Occasional commenter

    You deserve so much better than this. Has he ever bothered to come visit you? Sounds lazy, at the very least, and a timewaster, at the worst. I’d end it with him, i know it’s tough, but you will feel better without the doubt. Then, register with some UK dating sites, find someone who will be there waiting for you at the airport for you when you arrive :)
    JosieWhitehead likes this.
  4. captain scarlet

    captain scarlet Established commenter

    Mr cynic here. Sounds like having cake and eating it.

    You working overseas is 'best for him' by the sounds of it.
  5. skellig1182

    skellig1182 Established commenter

    It’s sad but it’s true. Most relationships cave when there is distance. My ex after 6 years went away and we maintained a long distance relationship for another 6 years. In that time he had another life set up, a baby Ect and I was none the wiser. I didn’t see the signs. But he clearly didn’t need me there but what he did need was me sitting here as a back up plan. My hubby doesnt even like a night away from me, let alone weeks/months, so now i know the difference. There are definitely alarm bells here. Do what is right for you. If you want to come back then do. Don’t rely on him to make decisions.xx
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  6. JosieWhitehead

    JosieWhitehead Star commenter

    I think I'd just turn up on his doorstep and see what's going on and, if nothing, ask him why he is so keen that you live overseas whilst he is here. Tell him that it sounds strange and that you'd like the truth. Don't beat about the bush.
    caress and Aquamarina1234 like this.
  7. dunnocks

    dunnocks Star commenter

    He's been hanging around waiting for you at home for a very long time, I wouldn't expect feelings to have lasted that long in absence. If you had died rather than moved away, you would have expected him to be well over you by now, wouldn't you. Not that his feelings might not have been very string to start with, but that was a long time ago
  8. Chellie

    Chellie New commenter

    Sorry to hijack your thread, Op. but as someone recently and suddenly widowed young, I wanted to point out that dunnocks' comment about 'if you'd died, he'd be well over you by now' is a classic example of how clueless society is at understanding grief when a beloved partner dies. You never 'get over' them. You have to rebuild your obliterated life, live a new life you didn't choose and learn to live with the pain, which will always be there. It forever changes you. All this and people think you just 'get over them' in a short time.
  9. dunnocks

    dunnocks Star commenter

    I am not remotely clueless about grief and bereavement,you have simply misunderstood what is meant by "get over them".

    People move on, and rebuild their lives and learn to get by without the person they have lost.

    As this guy seems to have done.

    You just put it another way by saying "you learn to live with the pain"

    don't be so touchy
  10. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    Condolences @Chellie - things must be very 'raw' for you at the moment, and I hope you have family and friends around to support you at such a difficult time.
  11. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    "Don't be so touchy!"

    What an absolutely appalling thing to say, in the circumstances @dunnocks . And it appears you are clueless about grief.

    My very best wishes to you @Chellie
  12. dunnocks

    dunnocks Star commenter

    i am absolutly not, and have had far more experience of bereavement than the average person would expect in a life time, and I meant what I said about being touchy.

    Its that sort of over response that makes difficulties when it isn't remotely necessary.

    People who jump off at the deep end claiming offence when someone has said something about bereavement are the people who make others frightened to mention such things.
  13. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    But you don't "get over" your recently deceased husband's death! Chelli will learn to live with her grief, not get over it.

    How very insensitive to say that to her. You can't compare a failed relationship with the death of someone.

    Saying "don't be so touchy" is plain rude.
  14. sparklepig2002

    sparklepig2002 Star commenter

    I can't "like" your post @Chellie. I am so sorry to read about your loss. I don't think I'd ever get over the death of my husband. I suppose you just learn to cope with it in whatever way you can.
    My Mil lost her daughter--she certainly never got over it. I've lost my parents. I miss them dreadfully, especially my mum. I have adjusted to life without them, but I think about them every day. It must be so much worse to lose your partner. Sending you my very best wishes.
    caress, Dunteachin and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  15. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    Bereavement will affect different people in different ways. Some may be incapacitated by grief and find it difficult to function. Others may hide their grief and apparently cope well in public. Nothing about either scenario is right or wrong, but I do think that the comparison between a bereavement and the breakdown of a relationship isn’t helpful.

    My condolences to you @Chellie.

    OP, I think you should do what you want to do, what instinct tells you. Ultimately, you can’t be relying on him I think.
    caress, Dunteachin and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  16. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Oh ((((@Chellie)))))
    As people have said I hope you have some support at this important time and it must still be very raw.

    I've heard it said 'You never 'get over it' , but eventually, and that process may take a lot longer in some people than others, you do learn not to be so overwhelmingly sad and start to develop another thread to your life. The old one is still there though and I've once compared it to having a missing piece of a jigsaw. The 'picture will never be the same again. :(

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