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He's gone..I'm numb, have lost a husband to mental health............

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by pastychucker, Mar 18, 2012.

  1. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you x
  2. The only other advice I can add is that technically you are a lone parent at present. You may be entitled to tax credits or other benefits that could help your financial situation.
    Good luck and keep posting on here, so we can give as much support as we can, allbeit from a distance
  3. Thank you your support is much appriciated. I will look into tax credits etc. I have had to take the control (whats new!) as at the moment he keeps saying he will phone to have a 'talk'. Then changes his min. Finally i said I will make the decision to seperate as clearly he won't or can. It's not what I want but I realise that I can't let him just play mind games. He is now saying that he doesn't think he is depressed or have an issue with alcohol. I did point out that 3 A and E visits and a section under mental health act in the last 5 months would suggest otherwise.
    He says its just due to unhappiness inthe relationship, even though we have discussed it on numerous occassions and he has insited he loves me. Behaviour doesn't match that! Feel very lonely and tired at the moment. Hope the Easter holidays gives me enough time to take stock.
    It's the talk with the kids that I dread, they love him so much and will be devastated.
  4. That's horrible Viking, you are going through an awful lot. The best advice I can think of is to look after yourself and the children and treat all of you to something nice. Do you have family around that could ease the burden of childcare whilst you do something nice for yourself or with friends? Although the situation I am in isn't as distressing as yours, my partner is suffering from severe depression and has been for about seven months. He refuses to accept any kind of help or that he is even depressed at all (despite me reading through lists of symptoms of depression with him and pointing out that he has every single one) and he did keep trying to push me away when he first became ill. I do feel like I'm talking to a brick wall at times when he simply will not believe that he isn't an evil person (he will tell me this all day if I let him) so to some extent I can understand your frustration. Take care.
  5. Thanks looloo, I have no family near, my sister is 300 miles away. A few friends but not close.I will go out this weekend and have fun with the kids. I can really understand what you say about talking to a brick wall. Depression is an all consuming and selfish illness, its because we know the person before they were ill that makes it so hard to walk away. At the risk of sounding sexist, do men find it harder to acknowledge that something is wrong. My husband just doesn't seem to see that he has been in a different mood evry day for months, and what is really hurtful can't see that it has caused such distress to thoses around him. You take care too, I'm sure we will come through.
  6. Torey

    Torey Occasional commenter

    I'm sorry you're going through this and if you contact MIND they can tell you of any support groups you can access for yourself.
    Depression is not a "selfish" illness. He can no more control the distress it causes others than if he had cancer.
  7. Torey, point taken, however, it was not what i had ment to imply (as a psychologist I hope I have more empathy!). More that when someone is suffering depression they are often incapable of seeing the impact their illness has, or indeed recognising how their behaviour and perception is not always reality.A person with cancer on the other hand is not neurotic or psychotic or has disorganised thinking, on the whole.
  8. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    Depression is a selfish illness, Torey, in the same way that cancer is an invasive illness. It makes you turn in on yourself so that all that matters are your own thoughts and feelings. That is why it is so hard for carers and why whatever you say seems to make no difference.
    While I don't suffer from depression myself, I have learnt a lot about it over the past few years. My OH (now ex) suffers from severe depression with bipolar disorder, and my son, who is in his early twenties is currently depressed.
    One of the things I have noticed is that my son accepts his condition and is willing to take medication, whereas my OH insisted that he was not ill and, like you, viking, I was told that it was all my fault. Your husband's presentation sounds a lot like my OH - do you think he could have bipolar disorder? If you are able to talk to whoever is treating your husband it might be worth asking - we only found out by chance about OH's bipolar diagnosis.
    As someone else said, you should apply for tax credits and also for a reduction in council tax if there is now only one adult in your household. It sounds as though you are coping well, even though you might not feel it - it is early days and I know I went to pieces.
    I don't know how old your children are - mine were aged 12, 13, 17 and 18 when my OH walked out in very similar circumstances and I also had to explain sections etc but they already knew that their father was not himself and in the end I think I told them that because of his illness he was doing and saying things he wouldn't normally do, and that we would have to wait for him to get well enough to understand that. Unfortunately that hasn't happened, but I think my children have coped pretty well with their loss and you will be surprised at how resilient young children can be.
    I'm not very good with advice, but am willing to share my experiences if it helps, so please feel free to PM me if you would like to - I do know how you feel and hope things improve for you.
    Lalad x
  9. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    looloo I am sorry that your partner is still depressed. It must be very difficult if he wont accept any kind of help.
    My OH was like this and so, to a lesser extent, was my son - the psychiatrist said it was the manifestation of strong feelings of guilt. I do think that men on the whole are less willing to accept that they are ill though.

  10. Torey

    Torey Occasional commenter

    Clinical depression is caused by a chemical imbalance and no ones fault.
    If MIND can't help there is also depression alliance and organisations that support carers.
  11. Just an update really. We have had a visit to hospital, saw Psch. consultant, who confirmed that O?H has depression ( didn't think bipolar...although I'm still not convinced). Suggested that he self refers to Ad-Action (for alcohol misuse) and that a trip to relate is worth considering. Also double dose of anti-depressant.
    He still says he no longer loves me and wants out, however, when I tried to present the reality of what he wants to do ,namely that the kids and I will also have to move, he is not insisting on staying as he doesn't want them to loss their home. It's a living hell.
  12. Sounds like an awful situation Viking and wondering whether what he is saying is down to his mental health issues, or is what he really wants, must be extremely confusing for you. See how he goes on the extra AD's and the help from Ad-action. However, only you can decide how much time you are willing to give him until a firm decision has to be made about moving out permanently. Whatever happens, things will work out in the end. Good luck to you and your family.
  13. Thanks looloo, I know that I have the power to make a decision, however, it's complicated by knowing what is real and whayt is due to the illness. kids are 8 and 11 and the 11 definately knows that things are wrong.
    But, do I call his bluff at the risk of it being mental health or grit my teeth and see if things improve. Eldest is about to do SATs and then new school in September, so am thinking limp on until summer holidays and then decide but being told daily it's me is having more of an affect than I had anticipated.
    Not helped my mother-in-law buying the whole story by him, ie: not really depression and no real drink problem. Recently saying I'm evil not to let him go!!
    The door is firmly open...he wont go![​IMG]
  14. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    Even when it is due to the illness, it's still real.
    It's very hard for you and it does wear you down being told everything is your fault and your responsibility - in the end you start believing it, which is no good for you or your little ones.
    If his mother is buying everything he says, and saying you're evil not to let him go, could he not move in with her for a while until he knows exactly what he wants?
    I hope things settle down for you soon.

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