Hello, I’m hoping to get some honest advice as I’m really struggling at the moment. A long story short: after having my second child in June 2018, I was diagnosed with PTSD after haemorrhaging heavily (1850ml blood loss) due to a retained placenta, which a doctor tried to manually remove (without telling me explicitly what she was going to do— it was “I’m just going to try something; have some gas and air!) and it all went wrong. There was no space in theatre so I was literally (cringe word, sorry, but true!) bleeding to death on the bed they’d wheeled me out on, out in the corridor. I was in theatre for over 2 hours and didn’t get to hold my daughter until she was over 5 hours old. Anyway, I soon after received therapy from a psychiatrist as I was suicidal and not in a good place at all after having panic attacks, flashbacks, temporary facial paralysis, terrified of noise and crowds etc. It all got more manageable and I returned to work after my mat leave. However, my school was terrible and wouldn’t let me attend my hospital appointments; I then tried to get a new job then the Head made that all near-impossible but I did secure a new job but the whole process of that ordeal meant I was back down to rock bottom. So, I started my new school and I love it— almost. My colleagues are great, the kids are, on the whole, good kids BUT we only get a 30 min lunch break, and only 15 minutes if you do a duty, which we all do, twice a week. It’s hard. I have struggled a split timetable: one week, two PPAs and 6 period lessons with 15-30 min lunch etc. I have found it tough, but just got on with it. However, two weeks before Xmas, I found my mum in her house after having a stroke. She was just slumped on her sofa. I had to call an ambulance and wait alone with her (she couldn’t talk etc...the scene was horrific) for an hour whilst I waited for the paramedics to arrive. In the meantime, I had several panic attacks and I was signed off as a result. It was all too much. It still is. My mum is still very, very unwell. I can’t sleep, I have flashbacks and I have palpitations; I’m just really struggling. The prospect of me returning to work next week is unbearable. I just can’t. I have my doctor’s review on Tuesday, when I should be starting back after Xmas. My doctor said to me before Xmas that it will be awhile before I recover from this relapse. Don’t I know it— I’m living it! BUT now I have discovered that I am pregnant over Xmas too and it has just sent my head in a massive spin. It was planned but that was before all the trauma with my mum. I’m of course very happy but equally apprehensive and scared because of what happened with my second delivery. I’m now terrified of going back to work next week because I just can’t at the moment; I’m not mentally strong enough and I now need to get my head around this pregnancy whilst balance and trying to arrange care for my mum (and care for my own children!!). I’m struggling. I really am. I’m worried about what people at work will think if I don’t go back next week— and the kids. I can’t sleep and I am so anxious alllll day. People don’t understand how difficult having PTSD is. I want to do things but my mind affects my body and I just can’t. I’m now also terrified I will have another silent miscarriage which I have had in the past too. If you’re reading this, I’m asking: what would you do if it were you? “Soldier on” and see how you go? The structure of the school day really doesn’t help my anxiety ( or my need for the toilet or sickness atm). I don’t want work to know I’m pregnant yet either. I’ve been signed off with PTSD not pregnancy— that’s a new dynamic to the messed-up maze I’m in. Please can anyone give some advice. It’s a rather lonely place to be with no family to talk to.