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He doesn't want a relationship...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by skt107, Apr 10, 2012.

  1. skt107

    skt107 New commenter

    I am in that sticky situation again where I have met somebody who I really like who says he is not in the right place for a relationship. He plans to move for a promotion with his job in the very near future but it's uncertain as to where or when.

    At first I was happy just seeing where it goes, but after his last interview he started to become more distant. 4 days ago I told him this is not enough for me anymore and that we are clearly in different places.

    I'm trying my best to move on and doing all the things I should, but I can't get him out of my head.

    Just wondered if anyone else has been in this position? Male opinions welcome - have you ever told a girl that you don't want a relationship and realised that it was a mistake? If so, what made you realise it? Or does it always just mean that you don't want to be with that person?
  2. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    It sounds like you're still clinging onto hope that you can find some way to make him want to be with you. He doesn't. You need to accept this to move on. Easy to say I know.
  3. Victoria Plum

    Victoria Plum New commenter

    Aw... Rotten situation to be in. I have been "seeing" someone for quite a while now who said exactly the same thing to me! I am still seeing him because I am quite happy with the situation, although I would be happier if he did decide he wanted to be with me properly. When he told me he was too busy for a relationship I read it as he just didn't want a relationship with me! If someone comes along who sweeps him off his feet then he would find time for her I am sure! It seems to me that this guy has told you he doesn't want a relationship AND has started to pull away so why don't you just let him go? You will get him out of your head but it takes time. Are you still in touch with him? That won't help. Make a clean break if you can. I am reluctant to come out with the old "Someone better will come along when you're least expecting it!" 'cos it's certainly not happening for me and I'm getting sick of hearing it! BUT I am very happy on my own, enjoying my friends and family, which is far more rewarding than needing a man to make me happy!! Good luck with it all skt! xxx
  4. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    As someone who was single for a very long time and married quite late on, I would say if he says he doesn't want a relationship then he certainly doesn't want a relationship with you. Drop him fast, it's hard, I know I've been there.
  5. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    It's horrible for you and it's natural to think that given enough time he'll see how great you are but when people say this they mean they don't want a relationship with you. They're quite happy to go along 'having fun' (this is fun, isn't it?) because they get the other, er benefits, while waiting for someone they do want to be with. He's not going to suddenly realise you're the one for him, I'm afraid. Better for your sanity to get out now.
  6. skt107

    skt107 New commenter

    I know - I have walked away and have cut off contact. It's just been a lot harder than I was expecting. Somebody said to me that it doesn't matter, the end result is the same, you are still not in a relationship. Which is what made me realise.

    I think there is a huge part of him that's stopped himself getting close to me because of the move. We did have some great times together so that's what I'm trying to remember. I have been in this situation before, where it was very different...the guy kept leading me on until he did eventually meet somebody else. And it was all about the physical side of things with him. This situation feels very different so I just wondered if sometimes a man can really just not feel ready?

    Don't get me wrong, either way I have still walked away. Meh!
  7. skt107

    skt107 New commenter

    I have always been very happy on my own too, and have always been lucky to have great friends! It just gets a bit boring being single sometimes... Hehe!
  8. Am I correct in understanding that you are the one who ended this because he wasn't getting serious enough for you or about you? He may think this is an example of how life would be with you - endless demands and ultimatums. Sure, this may be an exaggerated belief and unfair, but many men (me, too) find any indication of this type of behavior to be very, very off-putting. The problem is if a man has a reason to forget the woman, he will - even if it is exaggerated and unfair. If he cannot find a reason, it becomes harder. So what to do? Eat your pride and calmly let him know how you feel but that you will cut him some slack and give him the space to decide what he wants to do. Don't make any demands or lists of rules - just let him appreciate you as wonderful woman who understands he is confused and unable to think straight right now. Then back away 100%. Don't call or hassle him, just be sure he knows how to contact you. If he does call, it is because he really appreciates and wants you. If he doesn't, sometimes we just have to accept the feelings were not shared.
  9. skt107

    skt107 New commenter

    I ended it because he became more and more distant. In the end he started letting me down. So because I couldn't see him, I just sent him a message telling him that I'd realised I wanted more and that I could see he wasn't ready for that, but that I still thought he was a great guy, just that we were obviously in different places. He agreed and said he just wasn't in a relationship place at the moment. I don't think this will have come across as making demands. I have not called him again, but I can't deny there is still a big part of me that hopes he realises he's made a mistake....
  10. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    Find some lovely music to wallow to - I suggest Dusty Springfield for unrequited love. You've done the right thing and made a space for the next man who might be "ready".
  11. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    One of my daughters had a lovely way of dealing with boys she liked. She tells would tell them that she was going to marry them. And then laugh a lot.
    Tell him you were going to marry him but alas he has blown it now. And then laugh a lot.
    And find someone who deserves you.
  12. skt107

    skt107 New commenter

    With the last guy it was all about the sex. With this one it wasn't. There was definitely more to it (although don't get me wrong - when it did happen it was pretty, erm, nice...)

    I know I deserve better, I was just kind of hoping I'd got it right this time!

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