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Having a hard time about the birth which dad missed

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by notsomightymouse, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. Hi everyone,
    Not sure anyone can help, but having a really hard time coming to terms with the recent birth of my daughter and could use any advice or comments.
    My partner started a new job literally on the day that I gave birth to our daughter. He had to go away for 48 hours for a conference and I said that he should go, as there were no signs that the baby was coming and really didn't think we could be so unlucky with the time, also felt it was his decision to make and so didn't want to beg him to stay, only to look like an over reacting woman when no baby came for another 2 weeks and he missed such an important start in the new job. He left on Wednesday afternoon (2nd March) and then that night I had my waters break and went into labour. I was lucky to be staying with my mum and after 2 hours of timing she insisted that we go to the hospital. We got there and I was 8cm and baby Elli arrived one hour later. From start to finish it all lasted about 4 hours, and I was lucky to need no pain relief and have just a reasonable tear. I was in denial most of the time thinking it was stomach pains, refusing to accept that OH wouldn't be there. Think I was in shock for the first days as there was no time to adjust to the fact that the baby was really coming.
    I have been so lucky, Elli fed well right from the start, she sleeps for 4 hour stretches through the night, only really cries when she needs something. I have my mum and dad nearby for these first few weeks and they come by each day and help with food, cleaning, washing etc. I should be over the moon.
    But... I can't stop crying today and thinking about the birth and how awful it is that OH missed it all. I can't help feeling sad that we won't have that special memory to share with each other when we are old. He has no idea what it was like, and it doesn't really interest him to talk about it because it is such a foreign idea to him. It's like hearing about a holiday you didn't go on when someone keeps wanting to show you the photos and you can't really understand. I feel gutted that we missed this chance to bond over this amazing thing, and that we'll never be able to say 'remember when..?'.
    Elli is 11 days today, and I guess this must be the baby blues kicking in, so shoudl just grin and bear it for a while.. mum is coming over with lunch to look after me. I just wish I could turn back time and have had him there to share it with me and to see what I went through.
  2. undiwear

    undiwear New commenter

    Congratulations on your new baby! It is normal to cry at this stage. If it wasn't about your dh missing the birth, it would be about something else, almost certainly. Your hormones haven't settled down yet and through the prism of new motherhood, everything can seem otherworldly.
    Of course no one could predict the arrival of the baby or the fast labour (and the second time round can be faster!) Your husband may be feeling secretly proud that you coped very well without him which can be a big relief for men. Not that I am trying to second guess him. My dh never talked of the experience of having our first which was very traumatic until after I had our second and in his own words the first was 'horrendous'. The second was a serene home birth (v fast labour too) in which he had to take on the role of midwife because my second came so quickly. Men are like that. They don't overanalyse these things.
    Let your son sleep on his chest when he comes home from work. They will bond beautifully nevertheless. If nothing else, having a baby can teach you to live for the moment as blink and they are gone.
  3. All through my pregnancy I had a big thing in my head about OH and I finding out the sex of our baby at the birth. Unfortunately I had to have a c-section after a long induction and then I had to be put under in the middle of it as the epidural had not work properly. This meant OH found out on his own and I was out of it for four hours after the birth. At first this made me feel really sad - if I think about it it does. But we have a gorgeous girl who we both adore and that makes up for everything. Try talking to your OH about it and explain that you need to share the experience with him - even if it is just once. The worst thing you can do is not talk about it.
  4. Hi and congratulations. I can relate to your post as I had trouble coming to terms with the birth of my LO (but for very different reasons to you). You must be very sad that OH wasn't there...I would've been if it had happened to me. All I can say is that 11 days post partum, your hormones are RAGING. I was all over the place until about 6 weeks after giving birth; thought I may have PND, thought I was losing the plot! Get your feelings out, cry as much as you need to, talk to your closest family and friends about it, but most of all talk to OH. Make him listen. Sadly you can't turn back time, but you can grieve for the loss of the labour you thought you would have & the fact that he wasn't there. Lastly, you WILL come to terms with it. It has taken me almost ten months to come to terms with what happened to me. But now I feel fine about it.
    Yes they'll be starting around about day 11! I hope this helps a little. Take good care of yourself x
  5. Hi, I echo what others have said. My labour was really traumatic and my husband was in pieces for pretty much all of the 26 hours I was in established labour (ended in emergency c-section).
    We have been together for 11 years and in this time I have seen him cry once and NEVER seen him fall apart/be so distressed and it was heartbreaking for me. He said he felt so helpless and couldn't stand seeing me in so much pain and even though he tried to be strong for me, as he knew he was making me feel worse, he just couldn't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, so although you are disappointed your OH missed it just be thankful that he won't have these memories etched on his brain forever.
    I was so drugged up by the end i can't really remember sharing the first moments with my husband but it doesn't mean we love LO any less. I know it's hard to try to put it behind you and move on, I feel exactly the same when people talk about the first time they held their LO and how special it was, when I can't really remember doing this, just remember thinking 'thank God he's alive and so am I'. But you must try to enjoy the here and now and as others have said, if you still feel the same in a couple of weeks speak to your HV/doctor and get some support to deal with it.

    Big hugs x
  6. Thanks for the advice and good wishes everyone. I had a very long talk
    with my mum about this and she was also sure that I was just fixating on
    the birth as everything else was going so well and I needed some kind
    of outlet for all the hormonal feelings. I talked to OH when he came
    home and he was also very sweet, and said that of course we have great
    memories, and our special time is when he got to the hospital for the
    first time and saw me and Elli and that is what we will remember. Had a
    bit of a rough couple of days, but has passed a bit since then,
    definitely just a touch of baby blues I think. I am very lucky to have
    lots of family round looking after me and helping out and hopefully
    these will just be little blips along the way

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