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Having a child? Fears and regrets?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by anon8315, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    i wasn't sure whether to post this or not as it is personal but then that's the name of the forum so ... :)

    I have thought I want a baby for a while now. But struggling to actually make that definitive decision to have one, or to try for one more accurately.

    All I ever seem to hear is that they are hard work and you can't be a parent without support and ruin relationships and cost a lot.

    Surely there are some positives?

    I'm also aware I want something positive to focus on just now. But I feel that's perhaps a bad reason to bring a new life into the world.

    I'm also terrified of being an awful mother :(
    ScotSEN likes this.
  2. marlin

    marlin Star commenter

    We all feel that way!

    I love my two boys and wouldn't be without them. Yes there have been tears over the years and hard times, but they have both turned into fine young men and I adore their girls too. I have a great relationship with them as adults and we all enjoy spending time together. Yes - there are positives! :)
    ScotSEN, Dragonlady30 and badger_girl like this.
  3. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    I had my baby in the most unpropitious circumstances and it has been hard at times but I don't regret it at all. She's grown up with her own children now and we are still really close.
    ScotSEN, Dragonlady30 and badger_girl like this.
  4. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    I was unsure for a long time about having a family and Mr F was keener than me. Then it took quite a while to actually have the first (but not the second.)

    Yes, they are hard work
    Yes, your life chsnges irrevocably
    Yes, they are expensive

    I'm sure most people worry about being an awful mother. Every time you get cross, fed up, tired etc etc. I always think that deciding to have a child is a selfish act and once the child is born, you are obliged to be completely unselfish and consider someone else's needs before your own all the time.

    BUT there is such joy in cuddling a baby, hearing them sing to themselves in their cot in the morning, listening to the giggles, admiring each new achievement, watching them grow and simply loving them!

    I think I got a lot wrong and I'm sure plenty of people think that. I watched my daughter struggle with a newborn last summer and remembered exactly how it felt and look at her now, having got used to this new small person.

    It's a wonderful thing. But maybe not for everyone, so consider carefully.
  5. Dragonlady30

    Dragonlady30 Star commenter

    For myself, I'd say that my wee lass was the most expensive hobby I ever took up! :D

    I had PND and, quite honestly, don't feel that I could have coped alone, without my wonderful husband. Being scared of being a bad mum is probably useful as this knowledge will probably stop you being a bad mum. (Does this make sense?) :confused:

    From what you have written would I be correct in thinking that you are planning parenthood on your own? If yes, I can't give advice as I wasn't alone.
    ScotSEN and badger_girl like this.
  6. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    No, not alone, but we don't have any wider family support, would very probably both have to work full time/close to full time.
    ScotSEN likes this.
  7. Dragonlady30

    Dragonlady30 Star commenter

    We both worked too. It wasn't ideal but many folks have to these days. Again, we had no extended family near either.
    ScotSEN likes this.
  8. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    OK, I'll put the other side.

    I have two plus two grandchildren.

    I didn't find it easy. In fact I basically ran out on mine and left them with their dad as the primary parent and I did alternate weekends. That worked for me. I don't think it worked for them as they ended up with 'wicked stepmother'. I love them and they love me and we have a much better relationship than I had with my own mother who looked after me 'properly'. They're always visiting, texting and calling. We go on holiday together. We're really close now they're mid/late 20s.

    Expect the worst? I don't know what I expected but little kids turned out not to be my 'thing' when I had them 24/7.

    Yes, expect the worst.

    (Fair to say I'm not your typical mother.)
    yodaami2, ScotSEN and aspensquiver_2 like this.
  9. Didactylos4

    Didactylos4 Star commenter

    But as you say the good bits outweigh the bad bits.
    ScotSEN and badger_girl like this.
  10. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    Most people make it through.
    ScotSEN, Dragonlady30 and badger_girl like this.
  11. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    I've coped with other difficult and stressful situations - I think I'm just so scared as the ramifications of getting this wrong could have such a huge and awful impact on a life.
    ScotSEN likes this.
  12. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    Is your relationship well founded?
    ScotSEN likes this.
  13. Dragonlady30

    Dragonlady30 Star commenter

    Try not to over-think it. :)
    ScotSEN, lindenlea and badger_girl like this.
  14. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Yes, that's right.

    This is why my cousin hasn't had children. She didn't want to end up like her own mother who was cold and withdrawn. She felt she didn't know enough about good mothering to become the kind of mother she wanted to be and that the risks were too great.

    Luckily I don't THINK I have blighted my kids' lives. But when they have bad times I must say I do feel responsible. It doesn't help that I am sure mania and depressive illness runs in my family.
    ScotSEN likes this.
  15. sabrinakat

    sabrinakat Star commenter

    Love my munchkin, he's just turned 4 and I am very, very, very grateful that we got lucky naturally at 44.

    We're without any family assistance and it was hard to begin with, but with maternity leave, Finn went to nursery at 10 months (I worked part-time), we now have a brilliant childminder and he will start school (!) in September.

    I do have some issues with my husband who doesn't pull his weight regarding housework, but he is a good father - Finn adores his mommy and daddy. Finn does speech therapy due to his over-reliance on a dummy vis-a-vis daddy, but overall, very happy. Is it easy? Not always and I do yell at times, but I have learned great patience. Take it one day at a time, but it is worth it (usually).

    @grumpydogwoman - I worry about depression as well (I suffered mild depression over the years and my MIL has been in and out of hospital through the years. We are mental health aware in our house (e.g. to try to watch the signs, etc)
    ScotSEN, lanokia and badger_girl like this.
  16. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    When in doubt? Don't.

    Daughter 2 probably won't have kids. She knows me well enough. She knows herself and sees her sister struggle with HER kids from time to time. It has put her off. She has seen how things can go pear-shaped and she did suffer when I went and did my own thing and she's not going to risk it.

    There are plenty of kids in this world. It's not as if we have a shortage. Unless you really want a child I honestly don't see the point.
  17. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    I do want a child, grumpy, or think I do. I know however the reality may be different.
    ScotSEN likes this.
  18. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    You just never know @badger_girl

    You have one and you think you know it all. Then you have another one and find you don't.

    It's a tricky one. If you don't have one then you will never know. No guarantees.

    Just accept that you will probably feel like sh i t a lot of the time. Especially if you're going to go back to work. And take it from there.

    Who gets a perfect childhood? Who's a perfect parent? Never happens. You just get on with it and do your best. You will definitely make loads of mistakes but they mostly come out in the wash.

    I can see both sides.

    You're right though. To wonder.
    ScotSEN likes this.
  19. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    For me the choice was binary: do I want to have a romantic relationship where we get to be each other's focus, or do I want a relationship where we both focus on the needs of another person(s)?

    For both of us our choice has worked . . . we didn't have children . . .and thank funk for that, as we wouldn't have coped what with the crapola that life brought our way. Not having children has been a blessing.
  20. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    Yes, you do your best- sometimes you get it right, sometimes not. You just need to love them. That's it really. And if you analyse every single possibility, you'll be paralysed with indecision and unable to make a decision.
    Dragonlady30 and badger_girl like this.

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