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Has anyone petitioned a divorce? - what did you site as unreasonable behaviour?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by red frog, Feb 22, 2009.

  1. Having posted on here before Christmas about separating, I now need advice about getting a divorce.... It's as amicable as it's likely to be so I really don't want to involve solicitors as there are no kids and no other issues to sort out. He doesn't want to wait two years to go down the irreconcilable differences route, so one of us has to divorce the other and it's going to be me. But because it's amicable and we're trying to keep things from getting nasty, I don't know what to list under the examples of his unreasonable behaviour. The guidance says at least 6 examples of incidents, with dates. I could do this, but don't want it to get personal and don't want to upset him or give him reason to contest it or cause problems. I tried to get him to discuss it and decide together, but he's cut all contact other than necessary emails to sort out the house (he's keeping it and buying me out) and doesn't want to stay in touch.

    One of our big problems was his drinking, but he doesn't want me to put this on the form. Does what it written on it ever come up again? Would it affect him at all in the future?

    If anyone has any experience of this they wouldn't mind sharing I'd be very grateful.

    With all this on my mind over half term I'm now realising it's ten to seven on the last night of the holidays and I haven't done my planning yet :eek:(.


     
  2. You have got to write it down from your own experience. You cannot use other peoples reasons
    What did you do that was unreasonable?
     
  3. Redfrog, sorry but you really need to talk to a solicitor to find out exactly what "unreasonable behaviour" is classed as - you don't need the judge sending it back and saying it is not good enough!
    Also you need to get advice about the financial settlement - for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Is there another solicitor in the practice where the conveyancing is being done to transfer ownership and so on into your husband's name who could do the work for you? Don't forget that you will need your own divorce solicitor who is different to the one your husband uses.

    Two years is not that long to wait if you can't find enough examples of things that you can cite as "unreasonable". Good luck.
     
  4. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    If you both agree,why can't you go down the two years routes. I'm pretty sure that you don't actually have been living apart.You can just say that you were living separate life and that's considered as separated..
     
  5. There is some advice online about divorce- make sure it is UK only though and relevant to the part of the UK you live in. You would do well to look at going through mediation though even if you don't use solicitors for the main deal.

     
  6. and you should not use a solicitor in the same firm as your conveyancing solicitor - conflict of interest - go elsewhere.
     
  7. good point - I had wondered if it made things easier being all under one roof so to speak, and possibly cheaper? - but you're right it could be a conflict of interest. Does the solicitor for the opposition need to be from a different practice as well?
     
  8. Thanks for the replies. I've read lots of online advice and there doesn't seem to be anything saying that you must have a solicitor. I can think of plenty of things to say, I just don't want to sound vindictive or make it unpleasant for him. I was just wondering what reasons had been enough in other people's cases, I wasn't looking to copy them, just see where the barrier is set, if that makes any sense.
     
  9. <h2> Unreasonable behaviour - How bad does it have to be?</h2>The most serious allegations of unreasonable behaviour tend to involve violence by one party to the marriage towards the other and, occasionally, even to the children of the family.
    Other common allegations of behaviour include drunkenness, verbal abuse, mental cruelty and public humiliation.
    Lesser examples of unreasonable behaviour, but nevertheless still worthy examples, include excessive jealousy, accusations of adulterous relationships, failing to help with household chores, financial incompetence leading to money problems, and a refusal to discuss marriage difficulties.
    There is no single necessary ingredient. The court will simply consider the allegations in broad terms and decide whether the party who has made the allegations of unreasonable behaviour can, in the light of that behaviour, be reasonably expected to live with their spouse.
    http://www.tandblaw.co.uk/expertise/matrimonial_divorce_006unreasonable.htm
     
  10. Repeating Wasted's post (sort of)

    the behaviour doesn't have to be big, drunkeness, abuse etc.
    it can be littke things that occur all of the time, chores, no personal space, too much personal space, not allowing enough sleep by coming in late, his friends round for drinks on a regular basis and you not being able to see yours.

    In the end if you go down the "immediate" devorce route you will have to accuse him of unreasonable behaviour.

    IMHO. if you engage a solicitortheir first loyalty is to there pockets not yours. If you are happy with what you have already agreed, stick to the agreement.
     
  11. I'm wavering and wanting to persuade him to wait two years, but don't know if we'll both be able to move on if we're just waiting for the divorce.
    He doesn't want me to mention violence or alcohol (he never hit me, but he had a violent temper that made me nervous). I can mention financial stuff and the effect of his job, and not spending time together or going on holiday together, but the requirement to list at least half a dozen 'incidents' with dates is unpleasant. I suppose divorce is.
    It just seems really nasty to have to put it all down on paper I suppose.
     
  12. By the time I had finished listing the problems that caused the break up of my marriage I had written 3 sides of A4 paper and listed the dates as continuous.

    Individually each incident was nothing but as a whole it showed the reason for the break up which is what it is supposed to do .

    TBH you are going to have to brutal with yourself, or your devorce won't get pushed through as quickly as possible. the most important thing to write down is that you are no longer living together and the date of separaion.
     
  13. TC7

    TC7

    I have divorced and my solicitor guided me away from unreasonable behaviour because it is very open to debate and it can backfire on you in court if the judge sees fit, also your husband may contest it or at least his solicitor might suggest to go down that route after all unreasonable behaviour will be attached to him for ever. My ex was unreasonable and i could have had a list as long as my arm but we settled for him to admit 'adultery with unknown woman' and then things got going. I did much of the leg work on pensions, money, policies etc as we had been married 21 years. my fairly quick divorce took 9 months.......!
     
  14. YOY

    YOY

    Firstly, I'd say don't lie... as it's going to be going to court as evidence.
    I'm not an expert at all, so you may want to take my opinion with a pinch of salt. I know you said that he's not wanting contact, but if you are emailing each other then maybe it would be worth dropping him a note to say that you are concerned about him mis-construing what you write down, that the system requires you to do it, and that perhaps you could run it by him before submitting? I know my MIL was mightily cross with her ex for citing her being more involved in her employment (sales counter at a high-street store - she used to bake cakes for the staffroom and did lots of little 'extra' bits and bobs to help out her colleagues cos she's a nice person) than her marriage. Thing is, she wanted the divorce too, but refused to petition for it by reason of his adultery... and my FIL commented (to me - she doesn't know he said it) that after about 2 things he struggled to think of 'better' examples so he had to take daft niggly things that actually happened and write them down as unreasonable.
    Maybe the CAB would be able to advise?
     
  15. I would wait the two years if I were you unless your other half was really unreasonable.
    I have a cousin who has an ex wife who wanted a quick divorce ( she had a bloke waiting in the wings who she needed to get in the door before he took his hook). She listed all manner of unreasonable behaviours like verbal; abuse and violence and failure to provide money for her except my cousin was the least violent and abusive man on earth. and he had worked hard , steadily and paid all the bills whilst she ran up debts at university taking a degree.
    His father was so incensed at her behaviour he paid a solicitor and cross petitioned on grounds of multiple adultery ( he got the facts from university friends of hers who had been covering up for her whilst she bedded one of the staff there.
    I am not saying you have done anything wrong but if there is any possibility you have your ex could cross petition and you might be a tad upset too.
    She didnt come out of that too well. if you want ti amicable the best thing to do is get a no fault divorce.
     
  16. I've emailed him to ask if we can go down the two year separation route. I wouldn't have a problem citing plenty of unreasonable behaviours, I just don't want to because at the end of the day we were just not the right people for each other, and it seems a nasty way to end it.
    Can you move on while you're waiting though? I don't know if I'd feel comfortable about looking to meet other people in the future if I'm still technically married.
     
  17. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    oh dear
     
  18. TBH if he doesn't wanty you to cite his drinking or temper he is going to be difficult.
    It may seem blunt to say this but just do it and get it out of the way, after all he is the one that wants this done quick.
     
  19. moonpenny

    moonpenny New commenter


    Hi Red frog,
    I have just done my own divorce as I am still on amicable terms with my ex too so it was very straightforward and cheap, even though we have 2 children. We have been split up for well over 5 years though.
    I downloaded all the info and forms from the HM court site and found this PDF documents - the idiot's guide to filling in the questions very, very useful as it told you exactly what to write:
    http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/courtfinder/forms/d8_notes_0405.pdf
    From that is the following information on citing unreasonable behaviour -
    "(b) If you have alleged unreasonable behaviour
    give:
    details of particular incidents, including dates,
    but it should not be necessary to give more
    than about half a dozen examples of the more
    serious incidents
    , including the most recent."
    The above was from the Particulars 13 B.section.
    I hope that helps you a little and reassures you that it is possible to do it all from the info on that site.
     

  20. I woudn't worry about waiting for your divorce before you move on. I'm pretty sure I was engaged before my divorce came through and my first husband had a baby on the way!
    these things happen - people make mistakes and people change. There are no children to worry about, so get back on with your life.
     

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