1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Hi Guest, welcome to the TES Community!

    Connect with like-minded professionals and have your say on the issues that matter to you.

    Don't forget to look at the how to guide.

    Dismiss Notice

guilt,

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Doglover, Feb 13, 2011.

  1. Moomoon, my grandmother died 2 years ago, and it still feels like yesterday.She would have been 99 yesterday :)
    If your grandmother was anything like mine, Moomoon, she would have been the first to tell you not to come to home with bugsgoing around while you were pregnant. She would have been the first to tell you not to drive 3 hrs with a small baby in adverse weather, and she would have been the first to tell you not to come while you and baby were unwell.
    That's the beauty of most of our grandmother's Moomoon, they are loving, sensible and not selfish.
    She only died yesterday, and you are felling shocked, but in time you will realise that what kept you from seeing her, were unforeseen circumstances, and nothing more.
    She knew you loved her, and you knew she loved you. Because of that she will have understood why you didn't come, and because of that she would not want you to feel guilty either then when she was alive, or now that she is gone.
    In time Moomoon, you will move on, and you will have cherished memories to share with your baby about your lovely grandmother.
    Take care xx


     
  2. Oh Moo, so very, very sorry for your loss. Doglover and others have put so eloquently what I would like to say. You're still in shock, and of course you're going to feel badly about not going to see her, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. However, in time, you will come to realise that it was unavoidable for the sake of all of you.
    Like Sidey said, keep her memory alive for little Moo, let her know what a wonderful Great Grandmother she had. And, I too believe that your Grandmother can see her now.
    Do take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - you have enough emotions to deal with right now, and guilt most definitely is not one you should be feeling. Lots of hugs. xx
     
  3. How very sad. You recognise him though, don't you?
    It really does take all sorts.
     
  4. You have no reason to berate yourself. Your intentions were good.
     
  5. Moomoon I am so sorry x
     
  6. Moomoon, it was just terrible luck and terrible timing. As someone else said, your intentions were good. All the best, give your baby a squeeze.
     
  7. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Yes it is sad (not that you mean it that way) and in fact no, I don't recognise him Rose. He is not my Dad any more. He is a shell of a human who now functions at the most basic level. He is violent, doubly incontinent and needs sedation to protect both himself and others around him. What made him my Dad has long since gone. I now choose to remember him as the lively and vibrant man he once was.
    I speak to the nursing staff often, and they say it is ok to feel like I do. They tell me they are best placed to care for him and I trust them to do so. If there is a change in him they phone immediately to inform the family.
    Yes it does, and you really are a nasty piece of works.

     
  8. . It is the weirdest and most distressing feeling seeing someone you love change like that, altered from the strong independant people to a shell even they wouldn't recognise or like. and I can understand why you can't go and see him. He is well looked after.
     
  9. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Thank you for understanding Moomoon. It is very distressing to all the family, especially my mother. It would be best if he just slipped away in his sleep, but Alzheimer's doesn't work like that. He is very well looked after. The nurses are absolute angels. I really don't want my last memories of my Dad to be as he is now.
    Cherish your own memories of your lovely grandmother.
     
  10. Belle - every one does what they need to do for themselves, and if you are comfortable no one has the right to question it.
    My MIL died in November. She and her daughter always had a very difficult relationship, and her daughter hadn't seen her for quite a few years.
    Partly as a result of the very poor mother/daughter realtionship, the daughter has had lots of mental health issues, including alcohol related problems. She decided she wasn't able to come home for the funeral, as she lives in Jersey.
    Her oldest brother, my BIL was furious, and several other people passed comment on the decision as well.
    The way I saw it was that by coming, the daughter was risking her emotional wellbeing which she struggles very hard to maintain. In many ways not coming to the funeral was being much more honest with herself, than those who came even though they had also struggled to maintain a relationsip with my MIL - she was not easy.
    There is no right or wrong way to deal with the feelings we have when someone is lost to us, either through death or before they die with a horrible condition such as Alzheimers. We each is have to cope in the best way we can.
     
  11. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Yes we do.
    And I agree with your comments about your MIL's daughter not coming to the funeral.
    In his youth, my Dad was an international sportsman who represented England. He was fearless and brave. The wizen old man in the nursing home is not him.
     
  12. annie2010

    annie2010 Occasional commenter

    So sorry for your loss.
    Your grandmother would have understood your very genuine reasons for being unable to visit.
    She'll always be part of who you are, and I'm sure you'll keep her memory alive for your baby.
     

Share This Page