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Grief many years after my loss.

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by craftyangel, Aug 24, 2011.

  1. Hello all,
    I lost 4 significant people when I was 7, all within a year. My Grandad, my Grandma, my Aunty and best friend. This was 14 years ago, I'm now 21 and although I got over my grandparent's death many years ago, the other two are much trickier. My grandparents were old, it made sense that they died. We are glad my Grandma died as she was heartbroken without Grandad but my Aunty was mid thirties with two children and Matthew was the same age as me, he died before he turned 7.
    In the last few days, I have felt feelings of grief and loss over Aunty Penny and Matthew re-surface and I don't know what to do. I am a Chritian and am feeling suddenly very angry at God. How is it fair or part of some grand plan that a 6 year old should die and that two children should be left without their mother? Where was the God that I know of love and compassion and healing when they were dying in hospital? When I was 7, I accepted the situation with an amount of maturity that I wish I was capable of now, I was never angry or questioning, they died, that was the way it was. But now I can't help asking why they had to die. Matthew was 6 and if he had lived would be going through all the milestones I am but he isn't here to share. After Aunty Penny died, our family got torn apart and a lot of pain and hurt has resulted through the actions of certain members of the family.
    I don't think I have been able to grieve them properly. Possibly due to the speed at which we lost all these people, I didn't have time to get over the first death before the next came along.
    I don't really know why I'm writing this on the TES forum but I felt I had to talk about with someone, I have tried my Mum but it resulted in a bit of an arguement and now I have shut myself in my bedroom. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Can any of you understand what I am currently going through?
    Thank you for reading if you have, I am not looking for answers as I know I will never find them but an understadning ear is all I need.
  2. As an atheist I can assign most deaths to old age, illness or accident without needing to understand or blame anything else. If you are struggling with why God has chosen to inflict death on people you love, a priest would be the best person to discuss it with.
    In the meantime however I suggest that you visit your GP and tell him what you've written here, and ask to be referred to a bereavement counsellor.
  3. Have you had any form of counselling?
  4. No I haven't. When it was all happening, we were all very open about the cancer and what was happening and afterwards too, my parents and our families always encouraged talking but as an adult, I have not faced my feelings of loss at all. I am going to discuss it with the vicar at church as a start.
  5. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    That is a good start.
    Grief can do strange things to us at strange times. You need to talk and as a Christian I think your vicar is the best place to start.
    The bereavement thread on Personal has been a source of great comfort to me and others.
  6. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    That's a very good idea. It strikes me that yours might be more a crisis of faith than a late outpouring of grief. You are angry with God. I hope you don't mind my suggesting that as a possibility.
  7. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I've just reread your letter and seen how recently these events occurred. Recently is relative, and your loss didn't happen long ago at all.
    All the best.
  8. You were very young when the deaths happened and processing them and having the words to expressive how you felt, worries etc just may not have been available. Also how you think at 7 is different to 21, things aren't so black and white for example. At 21 you are now able to reflect and process the deaths at a deeper level, which properly leaves you with lots of questions and feeling vunerable, four deaths in a short time is a lot to deal with and the way you write it each one was shock with no healing time between before the next one. I hope you can find some peace with this, maybe try talk to you mum again about how you feel and seek to professional help. Grief can be long and complicated and would be shame at 21 if this then prevented you from doing things.
  9. Thank you all who have commented, they have been very useful and given me some things to think about. Having read your comments and had a few days to look at my emotions on Wednesday, I have had thoughts about it all and will be talking them through with people in due course.
    I also think part of my arguement and being unable to talk about it with Mum is possibly because I am starting to want to move out of home. The plan was to live here for my NQT having got a job nearby but perhaps that's not such a great idea after all. Saying that, when term starts I might welcome the TLC!

    Think you again, if anyone else wishes to provide more thoughts then please do feel free.
    God bless.
  10. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I don't want to sound troo pop-psychologist but it's probable that you're feeling anxious about leaving your childhood behind you. Maybe that's the real grief. After all, most children experience family deaths in early childhood. I'm not talking about the deaths of parents or siblings, of course.
  11. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    I've never heard of this delayed grief before. Is it a modern phenomenon?

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