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Going abroad for a year... like seperation!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by laffal0t, Jun 25, 2011.

  1. laffal0t

    laffal0t New commenter

    What an opportunity for him!
    Can you not visit if you are unable to go for the whole time?
    When my sisters OH was in a similar position the company funded a set number of visits for immediate family. They were able to manage a couple of visits which they paid for themselves.

    It is a fab opportunity and the time passed really quickly...phone Skpe ...Lots of ways to keep in contact!
  2. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    How strong is your love.In a modernt technology world you can keep contact each day i assume and write and talk, The problem is will you yourself manage the lonliness of him not there and also your own life.
    It taskes a lot of trust to allow a partner to go away for a long length of time, but lots of folks do it......and for you to trust him.think of soldiers and sailors away for long periods...in victorian times often the 'men' would be away for several years and only letters to communicate.
    Finacilly you wont be worse off....but as long as your both strong the marrige will survive and out if it will come both independence and also clossness.
  3. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    I wouldn't push, or restrain....but from a personal point of view, where MrG goes, there goeth I. We both agree (phew!) that there ain't much point being married if we're not going to be together. That's how our relationship works, anyway. Not the same for everyone. The last thing I'd want to be is blamed for a missed opportunity.
  4. Thanks guys... I'm far too tired at the moment to think straight, but Mr Fig popped this one on Thursday afternoon, so its been swishin around in my head.

    I suppose that is the question Olds, how strong are we at the moment and will I trust him?!

    I don't think I'll push on the subject unless he raises it, but like you said NG, I don't want to be the one to spoil an opportunity. At the end of the day, we have a family that currently needs stability - I think this will either make or break us
  5. It will be a problem if you are actually sepArated...

    cyolba, spelling police sergeant :)
  6. Also, if you don't already know the answer to this question, you aren't strong and you don't trust him.

    cyolba, a cold dose of reality :)
  7. Where is he going? South Africa would be one thing Northern France another in terms of visits.
    Could you go with him? How often will he be back?
    Assuming he is gone for a full 12 months, as a teacher you work 39 weeks, there are 52 in a year so theoretically there are 13 weeks when you could go out to join him.
    How much holiday does he get? 4 weeks minimum? so that's 4 weeks when he can be back in the UK with you, so that's only 9 weeks seperation. Add in bank holidays and weekends and it is less.

    If yu can't survive that - well ............


  8. .
    Err maths not your strong point?
    13 weeks of non-teaching time plus 4 weeks of husband's holiday means 17 weeks of potentially being together out of 52. That give them 35 weeks apart. Quite a few more than 9.

    As for my opinion on this... hmm tricky. I know lots of people do have relationships with partners who work on oil rigs, work abroad permanently or travel with the armed forces but if that isn't what you signed up for when your first got together this could be a deal breaker if presented later on in the relationship. However, time apart might not be the worst thing for you both and it could mean that the year is an opportunity for both people to develop and grow in their own ways.
    I do wonder what is the point in being married though if you aren't going to be together most of the time. Is it REALLY impossible for you (and kids) to go with your husband for a year? I am guessing the job will be pretty good and full of opportunities and experience for husband and so you really don't want to "hold him back" but I know the dilemma is a real one!

    Not an easy situation to be in. I wish you well.
  9. No it's not an easy situation to be in but if you hold your husband back from this opportunity he will resent it and that will put pressure on your marriage.
    If you fear that your marriage will not survive a year apart then, in truth, it isn't too strong and may well collapse anyway. You wonder about being able to trust him - why? Do you fear he will stray? In which case a marriage that survives only because you keep a beady eye on him all the time is not a marriage based on trust and will ultimately fail anyway.
    I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh but a strong marriage will survive anything.
  10. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    During my PGCE year, my (now ex) partner was in New Zealand working there. I went out there for 6 weeks prior to the PGCE. I missed her - it was difficult enough as Skype wasn't around then. It was also really hard as she did lots of fun things and spent time with some male friends doing things like sailing. Yes - there was jealously. Did I trust her? Yes. But it was still hard.
    She came back - and had lots of good memories. It was really hard not being a part of those memories. But time healed itself and we created our own new memories. A year can be a long time apart - but then people in the Forces do it all the time.
    It's a matter of trust.
  11. CarrieV

    CarrieV Lead commenter

    I trusted my husband when he went to work abroad for 3 months.

    He never came back[​IMG]
  12. I know the answer. [​IMG] Thanks for the spell check - your posts never fail to make me smile.
    Asia and I don't work in a school so only get 28 days.
    Unfortunately yes. We have various family healthcare needs etc.
    I do trust him, although we've had a very bad few years and he did almost stray, but we've worked through that, sorted out the issues and become a lot closer because of it. In all honesty, that doesn't stop me thinking about it though.
    Its not just trust and our love for each other being strong; I worry more about whether 'he' will cope being so far away, but like you say, if we break because of it, we'd likely fail in the future anyway.
    I wouldn't mind, after all this, its likely nothing will come of it anyway!
  13. Will he trust you?
    I think if you are already worrying about trust - in either direction - you need to tackle that first.
    It is a great opportunity for him - it would be much easier for him to bear if he had your support and did not need to worry that you think you cannot trust him, surely?

  14. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    I am living under different circumstances than you so something that I would do may not suit, however...
    I'd let him know that you'd be happy for him to go (if that is what he wants to do) as it will make such a difference to his career. If he then doesn't get to go it will at least be acknowledged that you were in favour.
  15. I've given him my support and said I was happy for him to go... We both think it will be a good career move. He said he'd only do it if they also allowed him home every 2 months

    CQ - its not him trusting me, but more him coping on his own.. he's not as strong emotionally. I think, if he got it, it will be good for us both.

    We'll have to wait and see what happens - he puts himself forward for it next week.

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