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Go on, talk some sense into me. Please!

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by anon3279, Jan 1, 2011.

  1. This is the very abridged version...
    2009 and 2010 were quite possibly the worst years I ever had, in terms of family that is. My brother split quite spectacularly from his wife, got very depressed and was then diagnosed with a serious mental health problem. Despite all of our help he completely distanced himself from us, again in a spectacular manner, by saying and texting things designed to alienate us from him. He got back with his wife and she then joined in - oh my, she's vindictive.
    Anyway, my father died at Easter last year and because my brother wasn't contactable (he was executor and next of kin) the Coroner told me I had to get the ball rolling on the funeral. I did this and was legally liable to the bill if there wasn't enough money in the estate. My brother eventually found out about my father's death and started texting me the vilest, most disgusting things I've ever encountered. This is in addition to the 'stuff' he texted/voice mailed me about in 2009. The police were involved then and I had to involve them at Easter too. The police agreed that it was harassment and visited him to warn him. There's an offical ASBO type thing on him and he's not allowed to contact me or my immediate family - a good thing because I couldn't bear to hear/read any more vileness from him.
    I found out the day before my father's funeral that he'd written me out of his will. I have no idea why but he did want to see me before he died and the advocacy service (he was Sectioned) said they didn't know why and that it went against what he'd led them to believe.
    Now, it would appear to be the case that my brother and his wife were spreading lies about me so that they were sole beneficiaries. This has even been suggested by the solicitor.
    Fair enough, I'm not that bothered about the money but I am bothered that my brother would go to such lengths. He tried it with my mother but thankfully she saw through it.
    Why can't I just leave this behind me? I feel so utterly rejected by my dad and such a mug for doing so much for him when he was alive. I just cannot shift these feelings and want so desperately to get on with my life.
    My mother now sees my brother, despite him ripping her off for 10s of thousands of pounds, because of my neice and nephew. I understand why she'd compromise in this way but it feels like a betrayal.
    God, I'm a mess about the whole sorry business. Shake me, slap my face, *** me - whatever - just whatever it takes. I'm being daft really, aren't I?
  2. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Er... no!

    Read it back and see if you look daft.
  3. I don't think you are being daft at all. I wouldn't even be able to comprehend being in your position, let alone find any way of coping with it all.
  4. lrw22

    lrw22 Senior commenter

    Sounds like a nightmare. I don't think you are being daft at all. I don't know what to advise you, all I can do is wish you all the best and I really hope things look up for you over the next year.
  5. You're not being daft - not only have you been caught in the crossfire of what sounds like the inter-family war to end all wars, with what sounds like a hideous sibling, but you're facing a huge gesture of parental rejection. Add in the bereavement, funeral organizing with all the relative wrangling that invariably involves and everything life can generally throw at you coupled with the general bleh-ness that everyone seems to have felt during 2010 in particular...
    I'd probably be curled in a ball under the kitchen table sobbing to be honest so you're doing better than me!
  6. Ah, thanks[​IMG].
    What do I do to get over it then? Moving on and all that seems almost impossible. Thing is with the inter-family war thing is that my father was uber vindictive, probably due to the mental health probs that led to his Sectioning and I think my brother has inherited this. Seems likely anyway.
    Do you think counselling might help? I'm fast becoming a fruit cake (sorry, not very PC but does sum up what I'm like!) and I'm trying so, so hard not to dwell on it all. I resent my brother almost completely for what he's done and for abusing those of us who cared (my mum, step dad, my OH etc). He's had the absolute nerve to take the £40K my gran left him in her will when he didn't visit her for the last year of her life and only twice in the year before that - he lived just down the road. I can't quite hate him but I do hate what he's like, if that makes sense.
    Sorry, I'm really rambling because I've been storing it all up for soooo long!

  7. What you are describing is raw emotional pain which is simply crippling you. Every family has issues and it makes things worse when you can't understand why things have happened and there is no logical explanation. Add mental health issues into the mix and things get even more incomprehensible!! I can understand some of the things you have said as we have a similar family situation but not quite so bad.
    The best piece of advice I can give you is to learn acceptance. You will never understand why things are the way they are and have been but in order not to be haunted by them for the rest of your life you need to accept things as they are now.
    You don't say if you are married or have children yourself? Is there anybody you have close to you that you can share things with? Do you have people that make you feel good about yourself? I would spend as much time as poss with them and think of the present and the future. Your past is behind you and it is up to you where you go from here. Emotions can destroy you if you let them take hold. You have the choice to accept that things are not what they used to be and never will be but it doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that you don't deserve a happy future.
    If you think talking to a counsellor would help I'd definitely say go for it! I basically use my friends as free counsellors.
    I would also say that you need to forgive them. You don't have to say anything to them but if in your heart you can forgive them it will be easier for you.To heal you have to forgive. You don't have to feel it at first you just have to say it to yourself out loud over and over. "I forgive them." In time you will feel better.
    My best friend has a picture in her bathroom of a heart with the message 'Live life as it is. Not as you want it to be.' I often think of that quote.
    This is a new year now. Embrace it and allow yourself to enjoy it!
    Good luck!

  8. You're not being daft at all. I am sure that many people reading your post will think you have been very restrained.
    Your brother is not a very nice person at all. Just try to forget about him, or as Chenna wisely says, if you can't do that, you will get peace through trying to forgive him in your heart.
    You have a good life because you have a lovely family and it's always obvious how much you enjoy your job, too. You are the lucky one and he is the unhappy one.
  9. Bloody HELL!!!! It's a monument to your emotional strength and generosity of spirit that you aren't a blubbering wreck or planning a double murder.
    My husband got screwed over by certain members of his family twelve years ago and it took him a long time to accept that shit happens and it can't always be put right. He suffered with depression for two years as a direct result of it. You could spend a lot of money having the will overturned, you could grow your hate and nurture it, but it will turn everything you do in the meantime rancid, and will be water off a duck's back to your mentally-ill brother and his vicious cow of a wife.
    You have been treated abominably and have every right to be hurt and angry. If you find these feelings are making you unhappy then I would agree with posters who have suggested you ask for counselling or even bereavement-type therapy. You've suffered a lot of loss, after all.
  10. Thank you all - you've all written something that resonates at some level. The comment about me being the happy one and him being unhappy especially.
    I don't know if it's the getting screwed over bit or how he did it that's bugging me. The stuff he was saying about me was, according to the cops, libellous - for instance that I had been spreading the news that both my father and brother had raped me as a child (not true) and that there had been an incestuous relationship between my brother and I (again, not true). I hadn't even thought those things let alone said anything to anyone but it seems my SiL said I did and therefore it must be true (!). It's just so sick to think of my brother and SiL thinking those things - I felt utterly violated for a good few months and now and then it comes back. He's so, so sick in his head although I can't quite work out my SiLs excuse!
    See, I don't know if I <u>am</u> emotionally strong anymore. I've spent lots of time over xmas in tears, I'm worn out and down by it and it was compounded by my mother telling me that my nephew is in hospital on a drip. What good does it do for me to know that? I can't do anything other than worry and I haven't even seen him for 2 and a 1/2 years. What can my husband do? He would really like to punch my brother's lights out wouldn't really. My mother sees my brother and that feels like a betrayal. I can't talk about it with the children because they miss their cousins. No one really understands how sick I feel about the things my brother's done and said. Actually, I really am becoming a mess, dammit.
    Yes, I think I might investigate counselling. I worry a bit that it won't work on me because it can't really make the situation better but I suppose if I don't try at all then there's no hope. As Lily said, I've suffered a loss - not just my father, but my gran went 4 months later and I've lost my neice and nephew too. Just a bit too much all at once.

    Thanks - I'll keep reading through your replies because they make a lot of sense and I think I can take a little bit now and then and really ponder on it. xx
  11. Doglover

    Doglover Occasional commenter

    Poeme, I think you feelings are completely understandable, so stop being so hard on yourself about that.
    Do you think your brother has been thinking rationally, when he has acted this way towards you, or is it part if his mental illness. I suppose I ask, because knowing his motivation, may make it easier to deal with his behaviour.
    Losing a parent is a truly awful thing, and to find out after his death, that he took you out of his will, will be like losing him all over again. He isn't here anymore to ask why, so you are left pondering and ruminating over the reasons why.
    I do think some bereavement counselling may help you to come to terms with the things you are dealing with.
    I was unclear whether you meant your brother was sectioned before your father's death, or whether your father was?
    Mentally ill people can be very, very difficult to understand, and sometimes there is no rational reason for the things that they do. However, I am not making it excuse. It could be that your father was in a very vulnerable place, and influenced by those around him.
    As for your mother - well, she loves you both, and is in a very difficult position. She probably doesn't want to lose contact with your brother's children, and therefore has to keep on his good side, to make sure of that. I am sure she is probably in a very difficult situation, and knows only too well, the things your brother has done. She may well see you as the stronger, more dependable one and thinks that you cope with it all really well. Maybe it wouldn't do any harm to let her know how difficult you are finding it all. Let her know that you would never ask her to make a choice over your brother and you, but perhaps she could bear in mind how hard it is for you.
    Other than that, I don't know what to say. It is a horrible situation for you. You need to look after yourself. xx
  12. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    What an awful situation, poeme. I empathise greatly as I have a dreadful sibling (who I strongly suspect has mental problems) and she causes huge problems whenever I have to have contact with her.
    I've gone through the gamut of emotions in response to her behaviour - resentment, anger and even hatred. But to be honest, now I just pity her. Her husband is a controlling bully and she has more neuroses than a whole bagful of mad things. She doesn't have a 'normal' life and she's missing out on so much.
    Unfortunately, I have to have some contact with her because of our elderly, demented mother. Outside of those times, the way I deal with her and my feelings towards her is to literally put her in a box in my mind and plonk her on a high shelf out of the way. Or I literally would go nuts!
    Resentment will consume you. It's a negative, retrograde emotion and you have to look forward, not back and concentrate on the many, many positive things in your life. If it helps to enlist some professional help in doing this, then go for it. It's certainly something I've considered in the past.
    Your brother is not a well man, more to be pitied than scorned and you are a good person. Resenting him and hating what he's done will only hurt you. Don't let him!
    p.s. if it helps, invest in a boxer's punchbag in your garage, complete with a set of gloves. It's a wonderful way of releasing all that stored up anger!
  13. Poeme.......I just wanted to say that I read your thread with a growing sense of horror.....the fact that you've survived this absolute mess without being sectioned yourself is to your absolute credit! I would suggest counselliing too...you have been treated terribly, and the fact that you sound more upset, than actually angry about the terrible blows that life has dealt you, also says a lot about you. I hope that you get through this....xx
  14. Obviously I don't know you, but you seem to be an amazing example of the survival of the human spirit against appalling odds. You may be right that your father didn't love you - not because you were unloveable but because he was incapable of loving - a part of his personality disorder - and it does seem likely that your brother has inherited many of his traits. He certainly sounds very spiteful.
    On the plus side, you have a supportive partner and, from what you say, you have not made the mistake of choosing someone who replicates your father - a classic error which many of us make. Cherish your wonderful man and your kids. Keep your distance from anyone who demeans or makes you feel bad about yourself. If your mum is your only link now with your family, keep your contact with her as superficial as possible, bearing in mind that anything you say or do will go straight back to brother and sil. Of course, the children want to see her and she should be able to see them, but don't feel this has to be a major part of your life if it is upsetting you. Bereavement counselling is widely available and this might be a good place to start. I think the thing that comes from sharing on a forum like this is that there is no such thing as 'normal' and yet we all want to know what 'normal' is - a kind of minimum standard that we should aspire to. Sharing our 'dysfunctional' bits helps us to see that it is possible to cope with almost anything that life throws at us. Thank you for sharing.
    Best wishes.

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