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Giving up....

Discussion in 'Trainee and student teachers' started by RGJM2012, Jun 8, 2012.

  1. RGJM2012

    RGJM2012 New commenter

    I want to give up. I have 4 weeks left of my GTP and no fight left in me. I haven't enjoyed half term at all. All I have done is worry about what needs to be done yet every time I sit down with the best intentions to get on I can't. My head cannot take anymore information, I have no ideas for my planning and I just don't want it anymore. I have no one to talk to about this because everyone is expecting me to finish, to be grateful I got on the course, to sing the praises of the mentor/Uni etc etc. It isn't their fault. I am just not cut out for this. I can't sleep and when I do I dream about work. I cry all the time and have let so many other parts of my life slip that I don't know how to put it all back together again. My own children have suffered this year because all my time is taken dragging myself through the endless paper work and planning. Being a teacher is all I ever wanted to do and realising I am not very good at it is hard to take. I have zero self confidence left now and having been teaching at 80% since January now I have completely ran out of steam. If I can't do it now I'll never survive my NQT year.
    I have no choice but to continue. I don't want to let anyone down. I am desperately trying to organise myself for next week but nothing comes out. I sit staring at a blank page over and over again. I can't believe quite how bad I feel, I have barely left the house this week. I couldn't face anyone.
    4 weeks. It feels like a lifetime right now. Just wanted to get that out of my system I guess, now back to the blank page......
     
  2. Hi there

    Sorry to hear you are going through this, sounds horrible, but i do think you should carry on as you have come this far, its just a shame you have no one to talk to about it! I am thinking about applying for a primary GTP. Do you feel you haven't had much support from tutors/university?

    Laura.
     
  3. croper87

    croper87 New commenter

    I didn't do GTP but I do know how this all feels.
    NQT is not like GTP as you have more support from the school.

    What do you need help with? I have various bits of planning I can send you - what is the age group/topics? Have you checked the TES resources or primaryresources?

    If you would like my help get back to me as I can email you anything you need. I wouldn't want you to give up now, whatever you decide after GTP.
    :)
     
  4. I felt exactly like this last year and now i am just finishing my NQT year, i found placements so much more difficult than the real thing! The constant observations, feelings your not good enough,lack of ideas, 24/7 work! This first year has been challenging but it a completely different way to placements and easier to manage! you CAN do this! even if it means you've to drag yourself over the line, get head down and count down the days, it will all be over in a few weeks, dont give up! i had so many friends who dropped out in last few weeks and they ALL regret it now! Im living proof of feeling EXACTLY like you; crying, being irrational, sitting at school and when people ask you 'how's it all going?' you want to scream or burst out crying! get through it, you're nearly there!!!!
     
  5. PaulDG

    PaulDG Occasional commenter

    Actually, if you're staying in the same school, it's very much like the GTP.

    Which is great - you'll have a head start over where you were last September as you already know how the school's procedures work, be familiar with the scheme of work, know which cupboards to go to. (What you won't have to do though is write any more essays!)

    And, most importantly, you'll know many of the kids.

    So you'll have fewer names to learn and you're automatically more feared/respected as several hundred kids now remember you from last year and know there's no point in messing you around as you will still be there at half-term.
     
  6. Hello, also on a GTP with 4 weeks to go. Also have young kids who endlessly question why i have done this to them! Felt like you describe a few weeks ago. Sleep helped. Also agree with the poster who suggested an ally who can help you see the wood for the trees.
    I am very lucky to have a supportive school, lovely tutor and supportive mentor. But people are busy in schools and I often feel like a burden or a pain if I need help, so don't always ask. But I think you do have to ask.
    My Tutor said that I get so down on myself because I care - and that is exactly who the profession needs. You sound the same. My Head said that some lessons have to be "good enough" - "don't burn out" - and suggested pulling it out the bag for the observations and bare minimum rest of the time if you are struggling. Sleep and speaking to your children is more important for your sanity.
    80% since January is a big ask - so remember that few student teachers do that and that you are actually amazing to have done it! Also, next year, all the stupid uni paperwork will have gone. It will still be hard but not the same. I think you can do it!!
    Talk to someone! Get some sleep! Give yourself a couple of days off and spend them with your kids. I know you have loads of paperwork and the last push involves even more but if you don't step back you can't do it anyway, so what have you to lose! Turn the computer off right now, go out for dinner with your family and stay in bed tomorrow until lunchtime!
    And keep us posted - don't give up xx
     
  7. slugtrial

    slugtrial New commenter

    Laura180etc... if you want support from university tutors, think twice about GTP. One of the main GTP selling points is that the school do most of the training. Best to learn from those doing the job on a daily basis. Very true... IF the allocated teachers are up to the task. The OP suggests otherwise in this instance.
     
  8. thequillguy

    thequillguy New commenter

    Great advice early in the post. Be simple. Make lesson should have a pyramid plenary; make every starter a list starter. Blimey, teach the same thing in a different way if necessary. If you are running low on fuel, make the lessons simple as hell. Without health and spirit and spark you're not going to do yourself any favour, let alone the kids. Find the TES starter and plenary generators. Work for an amount of time, not till something is completed.
     
  9. RGJM2012

    RGJM2012 New commenter

    Thank you all for your replies. I have struggled so much this week I can't begin to tell you. I have managed to plan my maths and english sequences for the week, just have to transfer everything from the weekly plans on to the daily plans (more paper!) and guided reading needs doing, will try and spend the rest of the day making my smart boards for the week and organise the ten million other things I should have ready but haven't. I have done some real soul searching over this half term and made some big decisions regarding the future of me and my children. I can't carry on like this and really do think I would be better off bowing out once this placement is over. I just haven't got any fight left in me and having spent this whole half term just worrying, the last thing I want to do is spend 6 weeks worrying about starting a job I don't feel ready for or good enough to do.

    I cant believe how much planning I still have to do just for next week. My eyes hurt from crying so much this weekend, started feeling sick as soon as I woke up this morning just knowing it all starts again tomorrow [​IMG]
     
  10. Kartoshka

    Kartoshka Established commenter

    Remember- you don't need to do your NQT year in September. As long as you finish this year, you will be able to return to teaching later should you want to. You don't have to continue with teaching at the moment if you don't feel up to it/it's not fitting in with your home life as well as you'd like/etc, but it will be nice to have the option of returning in the future, perhaps when your children are a bit older. It really is best to grit your teeth and make it through this year, to keep your options open for the future. Could be that you decide never to return to teaching, but at least that will be a decision you make, rather than it being inevitable because you gave up at the final hurdle during this really tough year. You've made it so far - don't give it all up now!
     
  11. I totally agree! I've been ill everytime the holiday period arrives just through exhustion and the times I've felt like giving up!! But it IS only a few weeks and after that you can choose what you want to do. Don't give it up after all your hard work so far. You can have some really quality time with your family in the summer and then decide but at least you'll gave a choice if you stick it out now. Good luck
     
  12. RGJM2012

    RGJM2012 New commenter

    Thank you all for your replies. I have had another horrendous day, behaviour was like nothing I have seen. Dealt with it all ok, stayed late and got as prepped for tomorrow as I can then came home and cried for an hour.
    This placement ending can't come soon enough, it really can't.

     
  13. PaulDG

    PaulDG Occasional commenter

    On the other hand.. you've another week done since you started this thread - that must mean just 3 weeks.. 15 days to go.

    Sure, the kids are testing you - they can tell your motivation has changed, they might think they've got you "on the ropes" (you haven't told us which age groups you're dealing with so we can't give any specific advice..), but honestly, so what??

    You know you've only got 15 days to go.. 60 lessons? Compared to how far you've come, that's nothing! You can get there,

    And if you never want to teach this age group again, well, you'll still have a qualification/status (QTS) that will help you get a place in adult training, sports coaching, tutoring and any general business work where presentation skills are valued.

    You can - and will - do this. Once you have, then take as long as you need to decide iwhat to do next.
     
  14. RGJM2012

    RGJM2012 New commenter

    Another Sunday, another emotional meltdown. I feel awful today and have barely scraped next weeks lessons together. I sat and sobbed earlier and my kids were trying to help, how terrible is that. My eldest was attempting to make up maths questions whilst my youngest was offering games they have played in his class and fetching tissues. It should not be like this! I feel like it is my fault, I probably should ask my mentor more but I daren't and quite honestly how I feel right now I don't want the feedback, I fear it would just tip me over the edge.
    14 more teaching days including 3 half days of PPA, one sport event day, one Olympics day, one outside visitor day, one school trip and I will insist I get my CPD this week because I need to look at my files, they're a mess! I had enough evidence in there to pass my first placement, need to add additional bits to cover both age groups so I am dragging everything and anything out to sling in. I have survived this long, I have evidence, I am low in self esteem, confidence and energy now. I will drag myself face first through this next 3 weeks if I have to but I will finish! Even if it's a fail I won't let it beat me, not at this stage.
    Thank you all for your replies, they have kept me going.x
     
  15. F1sydney

    F1sydney New commenter

    What year group are you teaching? I was key stage 2 and taught years 4,5 and 6 so I may have something which you can use. What are your topics at the moment perhaps we can give some help with lesson ideas. I really sympathize with you because I felt exactly the same but my mentor was brilliant. If you need any pointers for your standards file just ask.

    Best of luck for the week.
     
  16. IndigoandViolet

    IndigoandViolet New commenter

    Woo! You just made my day. YES YES YES go for it.
     
  17. Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I had my final exit appraisal today and completely broke down. Not to mention despite my mentor grading my lessons as outstanding/good, I got satisfactory overall for my placement because I couldn't keep it together today emotionally. I have completely run out of steam and I'm tired, stressed and very emotional. My class teacher has also graded some parts as 'unsatisfactory'. I feel like I've been slapped in the face several times and my confidence is very, very low right now. In fact, I'm trying to just think of tomorrow (my last day), and then just leave it all behind. I'll use the summer to decide what to do with myself.The worst part is, my tutors have said that if I had more confidence, I'd have got a much higher grade - great.
    It seems stupid to break down with one day to go, but I just couldn't handle it today. It might be the end of the placement, but I'm so burned out and I feel so disappointed with myself. I feel I've let myself down and my mentor as well, who thought highly of me.
     
  18. VelvetChalk

    VelvetChalk New commenter

    I just wanted to add have you thought of doing a bit of supply in september?

    Due to being bullied by my mentor on a placement, bereavement and low self esteem I was wobbly when I finished my PGCE. I nervously decided to do supply to throw myself in at the deep end and see lotsof schools, see lots of planning and work on my behaviour management.

    It worked a charm! I have secured my first post and I have so much more confidence and ability, I even managed to do very well on longer supply placements and got into a swing with the workload.

    Best career move I ever made (so far anyway)
     
  19. RGJM2012

    RGJM2012 New commenter

    Hi everyone, thank you again for all your replies, they really have kept me going! Had another observation this week, it went ok, ticked the satisfactory box so it will do for me. Only one more visit from Uni to view evidence file next week then I finish on the 4th July. I still feel sick before school and before certain lessons but I feel fairly confident that I have the evidence I need to move fill my file, I have one or two things to get my mentor to observe so I have ticked all the boxes for the placement and after that I will be ready to hand it all over and collapse in a heap!
    I have looked at teaching posts and considered applying but I really do need some space from it all, there are a couple of jobs outside of teaching I have requested the details for, nothing amazing but enough to pay the bills. I really have ran out of steam and the sooner the next two weeks fly by, the better xx
     
  20. pepper5

    pepper5 Star commenter

    Hi
    Good to hear you are almost finished and you will be soon crossing the finish line.
    I agree with VelvetChalk: you might find when you feel better, doing some supply would enable you to get your confidence back. Working as a supply teacher would give you the opportunity to see different schools and teachers in action and you would get some valuable classroom experience without the stress of the planning, marking and meetings that go with a full time post.
    In some areas supply is quiet but in other areas you may pick up enough work for your needs and it may in the end, like VelvetChalk's case, lead to a permanent job.
    I think you feel like you do at the moment since you are exhausted. Once you have time to rest, you will be able to think better about the direction you will take.

     

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