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Fuming..hope you don't mind my sounding off...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by polly.glot, Apr 22, 2012.

  1. polly.glot

    polly.glot New commenter

    My two siblings and I have long had a very difficult relationship with my mother. As a result, my brother has lived in the USA for 40 years, and I spent 12 years in the UK, returning last year. She is unscrupulous, aggressive, rude and bullying, has very few friends as a result of her behaviour. She has caused uncalculable damage to the three of us, especially my brother, who is a highly respected, compassionate oncologist. She had a fall last year, and has been unable to return to her large, multi-storied house. She is 88, semi-incapacitated and now resident in a rest home. We have all tried our best to help her sort her stuff - but she will have none of it. Her house, and her holiday home, are packed full of complete rubbish and stand empty, a target for thieves, rats and cockroaches. She phones me up and abuses me if I try to throw away rusty paint tins, piles of old newspapers, rags, plastic containers. She shouts at me if I visit, saying that I don't do anything to help her. My ex-husband has taken to visiting her, obviously trying to ingratiate himself with her. She is extremely wealthy, and he was really annoyed when I finally divorced him after 25 years of misery, saying that I had deprived him of his rightful inheritance and that he deserved to inherit something from her. He fires her up with gossip and lies about me, and about our children (from whom he is estranged). She is a willing audience. My siblings and I have tried our best to be supportive (my brother has been out from the USA twice since her fall last October). Nothing makes her happy, She is determined to be miserable and to hang on to her hatred of her kids. If the law had allowed, she would have killed us in our babyhood. She is vicious, cruel, vindictive and hateful. Old age is no excuse - she is the same nasty person she has always been - it's just that she now has more time to brood on her malice. With one stroke of her pen, she could ensure that all of her family, who are struggling financially, could be freed from the burdens and actually enjoy life, but she can't bear to part with anything to member of the family, even property from the family trust that goes back 150 years, and whose purpose was to ensure that the family was secure. She has spent most of that, and now is bitter because her nieces and nephews are financially secure, because her brother ensured that he invested his share wisely, leaving his children multi-millionaires.
    I'm not asking for advice or sympathy - just the opportunity to vent my feelings..thank you.
     
  2. polly.glot

    polly.glot New commenter

    My two siblings and I have long had a very difficult relationship with my mother. As a result, my brother has lived in the USA for 40 years, and I spent 12 years in the UK, returning last year. She is unscrupulous, aggressive, rude and bullying, has very few friends as a result of her behaviour. She has caused uncalculable damage to the three of us, especially my brother, who is a highly respected, compassionate oncologist. She had a fall last year, and has been unable to return to her large, multi-storied house. She is 88, semi-incapacitated and now resident in a rest home. We have all tried our best to help her sort her stuff - but she will have none of it. Her house, and her holiday home, are packed full of complete rubbish and stand empty, a target for thieves, rats and cockroaches. She phones me up and abuses me if I try to throw away rusty paint tins, piles of old newspapers, rags, plastic containers. She shouts at me if I visit, saying that I don't do anything to help her. My ex-husband has taken to visiting her, obviously trying to ingratiate himself with her. She is extremely wealthy, and he was really annoyed when I finally divorced him after 25 years of misery, saying that I had deprived him of his rightful inheritance and that he deserved to inherit something from her. He fires her up with gossip and lies about me, and about our children (from whom he is estranged). She is a willing audience. My siblings and I have tried our best to be supportive (my brother has been out from the USA twice since her fall last October). Nothing makes her happy, She is determined to be miserable and to hang on to her hatred of her kids. If the law had allowed, she would have killed us in our babyhood. She is vicious, cruel, vindictive and hateful. Old age is no excuse - she is the same nasty person she has always been - it's just that she now has more time to brood on her malice. With one stroke of her pen, she could ensure that all of her family, who are struggling financially, could be freed from the burdens and actually enjoy life, but she can't bear to part with anything to member of the family, even property from the family trust that goes back 150 years, and whose purpose was to ensure that the family was secure. She has spent most of that, and now is bitter because her nieces and nephews are financially secure, because her brother ensured that he invested his share wisely, leaving his children multi-millionaires.
    I'm not asking for advice or sympathy - just the opportunity to vent my feelings..thank you.
     
  3. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Whilst I do sympathise, maybe it's time to write off the inheritance, move on and leave her out of your life if she causes you this much hurt, distress and anger? I know it would be hard to do, especially if you feel that that's the purpose behind your ex-husband ingratiating himself. However hurtful it would be it might be better for you if you cut her out and deal with the fact that he might inherit her money.
    If you feel you can't cut her out, if she's resident in the home is she able to visit her own home(s)? If not couldn't you take a few days to dispose of the real rubbish to at least make it safe and secure?
     
  4. gargs

    gargs Star commenter

    I couldn't begin to offer you any advice - it sounds like an appalling situation and it must be very difficult to live with. I hope you find someone or somewhere that can offer you some support dealing with this.
     
  5. polly.glot

    polly.glot New commenter

    Her neighbour kindly takes her back to her house on occasions (we live 100 miles away). I spent a week in the summer holidays (Jan) clearing up, but she made me put it all back in the house. Even real rubbish. I have quite severe arthritis in my fingers, which makes moving heavy stuff very difficult
    Thank you for your kind responses though, folks.
     
  6. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    In that case, polly, I'd be inclined to move on for the sake of my own mental, emotional and physical health. There doesn't seem to be any benefit to you of having her in your life other than the possibility of an inheritance, which isn't even certain.

     
  7. I can empathise entirely with your situation, it sounds very similar to that which I went through with my father. I'm afraid I did turn my back and walk away from him in the end, I just couldn't take the emotional blackmail and abuse any more. I was estranged from him for five years before he died. Despite everything that had gone on, I arranged his funeral and made sure it was a nice one (thinking I would be paying for it) and found out the day before the funeral that he'd written me out of his will anyway. I didn't go to the funeral in the end - that final stab of the knife really put things in perspective (not the money - the rejection REALLY hurt).
    It was very difficult and I felt really torn when I was informed about his strokes etc but it was the right thing to do for us as a family. I had spent years and years looking after him and his disabled wife and, rather like you, it was never good enough. I've moved on and don't think about it any more. The fact is that I wouldn't have chosen him as a father or a friend and life it too short to have people around you that make you unhappy. Also, remember that the way other people act is their choice.
    Difficult times for you though - I wish I could offer you some helpful advice.
     
  8. dumpty

    dumpty Lead commenter

    That also sounds awful and sad, Poemeelctoniqyue. I agree with your 'life is too short' and I'd advise the OP to do all she can to retain her sanity and grief, which would seem to be keeping away from the mother and most certainly not chasing or considering the inheritance as the ex - very, very good chance (as Poem found) that will lead to more tears and bitterness. Maybe she will change, maybe she will call and ask to see you and apologise, share the dollars.....but either way, such moves have to be made by her and her alone. I realise though, it is far easier for me to say this than it may be for you to do it as when all is said and done, this is your mother.
     
  9. Mangleworzle

    Mangleworzle Star commenter

    Pragmatically it seems to come down to do you want the money enough?
    I'd suggest with her being 88 and ill there's not long now.
    Rather than "help" her (inverted commas from her perspective), try to just do what she asks for/wants as it seems less stressful than doing what you think is the right thing to do - within reason of course, and accept that you won't be properly apprreciated or thanked, that won't change.
    Both of Mrs.M.'s and my parents are gone, they were cantakerous in their own way though no-where near as awful as in the OP. We found the best thing to do was to limit contact and respond when we did rather than initiate anything in terms of improving quality of life as we saw it as it was hardly ever appreciated and seen as interference.
    As far as mess and clutter are concerned, it's ultimately doesn't take long and again pragmatically is much easier to do when you are clearing-out a house rather than sorting what will stay and what won't.
    I appreciate you may have preferred an emotionally sympathetic response, but being a bloke I see it as a problem to solve, and practical measures can help with emotional difficulties after a while.
     
  10. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    It's very hard when someone is so controlling - no matter how reasonable you are, it won't be good enough. People like that get their strength and life from manipulating and hurting others.
    I've twice come across people like that and although have not been the brunt of their actions, have seen the harm they can do to others over decades.
    You know the best way forward is to minimise contact with that person and keep your distance physically and emotionally, but it can be difficult dealing with the guilt as they get older and more frail, and also dealing with the opionions and actions of others who can make things worse either unintentionally, or for their own purposes.
    Trying to go along with the manipulating person doesn't help them in the long term. They don't get any better or nicer, as you know. At least if you go your own way, away from their toxic influence, you are one less casualty they will have on their conscience at the end!
    Also you will find it easier to have a bit of pity for her in her complicated life, if you aren't having your strings pulled by her.
     
  11. polly.glot

    polly.glot New commenter

    Thank you so much for your wise and kind words.
     
  12. dozymare1957

    dozymare1957 Occasional commenter


    Polly, it sounds to me like you are a very kind and caring person. When your mum dies you will we overcome with grief. It's a funny thing but nature makes us love people even when we don't like them.
    You've had some good advice. Don't touch her house. It can be sorted when the time comes. Hopefully her neighbour is keeping an eye on it so it will be reasonably secure. Why antagonise her?
    Don't lose contact with your mum. Write to her regularly and send photos. Who cares if she appreciates it or not? This is a nice thing to do. Something that a "good" daughter does. Visit when you can but go prepared for her to be horrible. That's her problem. Can you turn the other cheek? I know it can be hard.
    My mum died recently. She had become quite cantankerous and visiting was not a pleasure. I was lucky that I had millions of good memories to keep with me when I was with her. I used to read to her or play cards or dominoes so there wasn't really an opportunity to converse. I also brought her old photo albums for her to look through which gave her the opportunity to





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    reminisce.
    Regarding the inheritance there may be some legal path you can follow if she writes you all out of her will. I hope she doesn't. Nobody wants or expects to gain financially from a parent's death but it would be a travesty if your money-grabbing ex gets it instead of you.





     

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