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Friends

Discussion in 'Personal' started by bex2606, Aug 25, 2011.

  1. Over the past few months I've started to realise that I really dont have any close friends and that I especially miss that female company. While I was training and for the first few years of teaching I was (like everyone) so busy and lost contact with friends from school etc. I have my lovely OH and we go out with his friends and their girlfriends and I also go out with colleagues but am not close to any of them.
    I think I've really begun to notice this as I have begun to plan our wedding and have realised that they are written in a list there are really not many people there (other than family). I am beginning to dread my hen do for this reason. I'm in my 20s and it just seems a bit sad, most other women my age seem to have large groups of close friends.
    Has anyone else been in this situation? What worked for meeting new people?


     
  2. Cervinia

    Cervinia Occasional commenter

    If the ONLY reason you've got few (or no) close friends is due to losing touch/being busy at work, then you've got nothing to worry about... Easy solutions:

    1. Go about re-contacting old school/uni friends (facebook etc), invite them round for a chat or out for a walk (whatever it is you like doing). If they come, they come. If they don't, no worries.

    2. Start a new hobby or join a club. Get out of the house. Say 'hi' to the neighbours & get chatting.


    For some reason our society has an idea that - people can (and should) be judged by the number of 'friends' they have. It is perpetuated by people competing to show others how many friends they've got. However, the strength of these ties are often limited.

    Good luck. Thoughts?
     
  3. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Really?
    Close friends? I doubt it.

    I suspect this is more about your perceptions than reality. I have two close friends which is hardly a large group! However, I'm thankful for what I have.
     
  4. lunarita

    lunarita Established commenter

    I agree about perception. I've always had just a small number of good friends and it's not a problem. The problem only comes if we allow society to make us feel in some way inferior for not having large numbers of friends.
    As for the hen-do - fantastic! Instead of traipsing the streets with a dozen or two 'mates' getting drunker and feeling **** the next day, take your two or three real friends to a spa for the day.



     
  5. I immigrated to this country when I was 18 so I don't have any of that huge circle of friends. I am now 45 and I have one friend who I knew as a teenager and we meet up about once or twice a year, and one close friend I have through having my youngest child, we meet up about once a month and speak often on the phone because our kids of the same age are good friends, and one good friend through work, though I haven't seen her all through the summer hols.
    Then I have a wider circle of ante-natal friends (though my child is nearly 19, we still keep up and meet up every so often) and then work friends, mostly people from my department. Probably only the top 3 I would want to invite to a hen do, and it would be odd because they've never met each other, I would choose a spa so they could all get to know each other.
    I don't think you should be feeling too bereft, these huge gangs of women in tiaras you see on hen nights probably just know each other from school etc and probably aren't really close.
     
  6. cinnamonsquare

    cinnamonsquare Occasional commenter

    I agree with Cervinia. Too often we are judged by the number of friend we appear to have and the likes of Facebook hasn't helped. Many of my acquaintances on fb have upwards of 300 "friends". They are not friends - they are nosy people! Personally it's my policy not to add someone on fb if I wouldn't pick up the phone to them. This has kept my friend list relatively small!

    I think I'm in a similar situation to you - OH and I have just written our guest list for our wedding. Of everyone there, I would say 3 people are my close friends, even though I would say I'm friendly with lots of people. I'm only having one bridesmaid - my best friend - as she's the only person close enough who I would want in that role (my mum is very upset that I don't want my sister but that's a completely different story!). Judge your friendships by their quality, not quantity. (It will also make for a cheaper wedding reception [​IMG])

    If you really feel you are lacking though, put yourself out there and get chatting to people! Neighbours are an easy place to start, as are the wives/girlfriends of your OH's mates. It won't happen instantly; close friendships take time to develop, but make the time and the effort just to talk and to listen and you'll find it will happen naturally.
     
  7. I have a large group of "people I know" who live across the country, but as for actual friends, and good ones at that, I can count them on one hand.
    Don't think you HAVE to have a huge hen night. I was one of a group of 3 'hens' a few weekends ago and had a great time. My friend is getting married, and it got far too complicated to organise our globetrotting friends. So me, her and the other grown up Bridesmaid got dressed up, went for a nice meal and then to a very swanky cocktail bar. We had a great time, and it was nice to be able to spend time with 2 of my best friends who I don't see that often.
    Don't feel that you have to do the huge, rampaging hen do, in fancy dress, accompanied with a male blow up doll and penis shaped accessories! Unless of course that is what you want...
     
  8. I don't have a massive circle of friends. I sometimes get down about it - two of my close friends from school have circles of friends where they regularly meet up for dinner etc and I do get upset that I have never been part of that and never been on a girlie holiday. Part of my reason for not having too many friends is that I don't really like typically girlie activities - I much prefer 'boy' things. Last week I went on a 'lads' holiday and had the time of my life! I'm feeling more content now - I might not be part of a big group but I am lucky that I have a handful of fantastic friends.
     
  9. I have to admit that the idea of a hen night holds no attraction for me.
    Which is a good thing in one way....I don't have any friends!....I don't think it is that unusual for a woman to have few friends is it? (I'm Aspie and the whole 'friends' thing is a real issue for me)..... I know a few people and if I <u>was</u> to marry (sadly, and there are times I sob brokenly about this, I am unlikely to ever marry) I would be able to invite maybe a dozen or so people to the wedding - and that includes my family!
    I have got to know a few people on-line but never met them. If I <u>was</u> to marry then there is one person I would definitely want to be there - she's from Australia. ....Actually, I would be so thrilled at the thought that I was actually going to get married...so stunned and tearful that someone actually wanted me...I'd on the one hand be content to have a quiet wedding with just me and my beloved...and on the other hand I'd be sending an open invite on TES for everyone to come and attend the momentous event!
    Back in reality for a moment...I think that any wedding should be arranged to suit the taste of the happy couple...and be a celebration of their love and commitment. The number of friends would be immaterial.

     
  10. moonpenny

    moonpenny New commenter

    Just do something you enjoy on the night before your wedding and don't worry about what other people expect or do themselves. You don't actually have to do anything if you don't want to - or you could use it as an opportunity to treat yourself.
    Best wishes.
     
  11. Adding myself to the list of people who only have a few people that I count as real friends. The idea of having a big group of girlfriends doesn't appeal at all - luckily!


    If you want a hen do of some sort, then just have it with the people you really want to be there, and do something wonderful that you couldn't do with a larger group - a one day cookery course, a spa day, helicopter ride... whatever appeals to you and your real, valued, trusted and loved friends. Congratualations on your engagement.
     
  12. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I used to feel **** about not having a close group of friends, especially before I moved.
    I also have been upset about the end of a friendship with someone that I used to consider my best friend.
    I have now decided that I will not 'chase' people and those that matter will contact me as much as I do them. This means that I now have maybe 3 or so people plus my sister that I would call friends, and I do not have anyone that I am really close to.
    I have joined a 'meetup' group near where I live and I have met some really nice people through that, so I can still socialise up where I have moved to.
    Took me a long time to accept that I am not part of a big group of close or real friends, but I am still part of a group at home and now have a group up here too.
    When I have a housewarming I will only be inviting probably 3 of my friends over for it, the 3 that matter and not the 8 or so that I could invite (who have taken no interest in my house hunting even if they are aware of it!)
     
  13. Friends ebb and flow. There have been times when I've had a large circle of people I could call on for favours and outings (I won't call them close friends because I count myself fortunate to only ever have had about three of them at a time), and times like now when many of them have moved away, moved jobs or indeed even died. None of them would be what i;d term "close" but just having them around and seeing them every day did make a difference.
    I would caution though, and saving the fact that you are only just about to get married hahahaha! that only hanging out with your husband's friends and their partners will leave you up sh1t creek if you ever split up. They'll all cluster round him. Get back in touch with the friends who were yours. Friendships don't maintain themselves and there's always someone who puts in more effort than everyone else.

     
  14. bnm

    bnm

    There are a fair few people with whom I am friendly but my "friends" at the moment would be mr bnm and my siblings, none of whom probably count.
    At different times in my life I've usually had 2 or 3 people I would call friends.
    It's never worried me. If I feel the need for more socialising I get in touch with the "friendly" people, and join in more events. At the moment I'm too busy and too lazy to feel the need.
    I didn't have a hen night....never occurred to me and never regretted it.
     
  15. Seeing as I was pregnant I went out for a sedate meal with 8 friends and no alcohol!
     
  16. pwtin

    pwtin New commenter

    This thread struck a chord with me .I often have phases when it bothers me that I do not have enough friends . I rarely have friends coming to call, and at times I think the neighbours must think that I have "no mates".I have very good long standing friends who live half an hour away and every few months we meet up for a night out, however they never make the effort to call on me for a coffee it is always me who pops to theirs.I have a circle of friends I have made through an art group and I do enjoy their company but they are all in their sixties and seventies. I work on supply and so cant develop any friendships through that .I do volunteer work but again anyone I meet is well over retirement age which is alot older than myself.

     
  17. I have 20 close friends-most of them are from my university days and a couple of them are from secondary school and 2 of them are from primary school. Everyone else, including workmates, I would count as acquaintances as they are not people I would trust with my secrets or rely on for help. To be fair, even out of my 20 close friends, there's only 5 I know would be willing to do anything for me and vice versa. The rest are simply fantastic to hang out and have a laugh with.
     
  18. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Lead commenter

    although i make friends fairly easily im actually very choosy who become my real friends.....once your my friend i never desert and will stay very loyal.........but to call one to go out for anight would be hard for me.i seem to spend a lot of my life running after the wife and sorting her out.
    However, i am ever so gratefl to all my online friends who ill talk to ,but who i get upset about when they ignore me.Most of my friends online are woman as i can talk to them as few men share my interests.or if im involved with say a motorcycle group they seem to become anarak sorts,,,,,I ,on the other hand, have since childhood retained a sort of independent spirit based upon life experience .
    Its quality which counts.. not quantity.
     
  19. lillipad

    lillipad New commenter

    Hi don't worry, i've posted on here that I have no friends before too! And once you find yourself without friends, it's very difficult to meet new people. People suggest volunteering, or joining local clubs or just going out, however if you're like me and very busy during term time, some of those options are shut down straight away, and I do go out on my own very regularly (In the day time) and don't ever meet anyone! It's not as simple as people would believe.

    I've been thinking about it a lot recently, to the point where I realised that if me and my OH were to get married, i'd have 2 friends there, and my very small family. And that would probably be it on my side. So i've now started saying to him that when we get married, I want it to be small, or I want to go abroad, just to escape the fact that i'd have no one to invite!! And he knows and is totally aware i have few friends, but i still don't want it shouted out from the tree tops if that makes sense. I wish you the best of luck with it all.
     
  20. I once read somewhere that the average adult in full time work only has time for 4 close friends. A partner counts as 2 friends due to the amount of time they occupy! That leaves room for 2 close friends. I think that sounds absolutely right.
    I have two best friends from different areas of my life, plus Uni friends. I don't particularly socialise with colleagues but I do have other halfs friends. He's pretty much the same as me, has one very best friend, his brother is another best mate and then the rest are buddies to hang out with every now and then.
    I really wouldn't worry about it :)

     

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