1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Hi Guest, welcome to the TES Community!

    Connect with like-minded professionals and have your say on the issues that matter to you.

    Don't forget to look at the how to guide.

    Dismiss Notice

friend upset I suggested not going to his wedding - what should I do?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by afewgoodmen, Jan 14, 2012.

  1. A friend of mine contacted me last week to invite me to his wedding. He and I have been friends for 13 years after we lived together in the few years after Id left uni. We lived in a house share and we all got along very well. He and I kept in touch afterwards and visited each other for maybe a few weekends a year. He always knew his fiancee since childhood and they finally got together as a couple about five years ago. She's really lovely and I'm really pleased they're getting married. They're both in their early forties and after a long battle they've had their first child. They moved to Switzerland about three years ago and we've not seen each other since then.
    The wedding is a saturday on a school weekend and is a seven hour drive from where I live (they're coming back to the UK to get married). It's an evening wedding that starts at 5pm. My partner can't come as he's away that weekend (he works out of the country quite a bit for work). I live by myself and find it quite hard to make ends meet. I extremely rarely go on holiday and when I do it's only to the next county, I cant afford to buy new clothes and really am struggling financially. I wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding. The thought of spending a great deal of money on a few hours when, realistically, I'll only speak to my friend for twenty minutes, if that, fills me with dread. Fourteen hours driving my battered old car by myself, hotel room by myself etc.
    Anyway, I replied and said that, because it was such a long drive and my partner can't come, would it be possible for us to visit him and his fiancee/wife in Switzerland for a weekend in the summer hols instead? Thinking that that way it could be my summer holiday and
    He replied saying he and fiancee were 'very disappointed' that I 'don't want to come' to their wedding, they are only planning on doing it once and that I could always get the train (at the cost of about £200 and the same amount of time sat by myself.)
    I got this email a week ago and I haven't replied yet. The tone of if it very curt, only a few lines, and signed 'best' rather than 'love.' He's clearly very peed off and I'm really upset about it. Do I take this as a signal that it's time for our friendship to come to an end? I know he won't understand the financial issue as he is minted and he is quite jet-setty and enormous travel doesn't phase him at all. Or do I grit my teeth and do it as I really don't want to upset him?
     
  2. A friend of mine contacted me last week to invite me to his wedding. He and I have been friends for 13 years after we lived together in the few years after Id left uni. We lived in a house share and we all got along very well. He and I kept in touch afterwards and visited each other for maybe a few weekends a year. He always knew his fiancee since childhood and they finally got together as a couple about five years ago. She's really lovely and I'm really pleased they're getting married. They're both in their early forties and after a long battle they've had their first child. They moved to Switzerland about three years ago and we've not seen each other since then.
    The wedding is a saturday on a school weekend and is a seven hour drive from where I live (they're coming back to the UK to get married). It's an evening wedding that starts at 5pm. My partner can't come as he's away that weekend (he works out of the country quite a bit for work). I live by myself and find it quite hard to make ends meet. I extremely rarely go on holiday and when I do it's only to the next county, I cant afford to buy new clothes and really am struggling financially. I wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding. The thought of spending a great deal of money on a few hours when, realistically, I'll only speak to my friend for twenty minutes, if that, fills me with dread. Fourteen hours driving my battered old car by myself, hotel room by myself etc.
    Anyway, I replied and said that, because it was such a long drive and my partner can't come, would it be possible for us to visit him and his fiancee/wife in Switzerland for a weekend in the summer hols instead? Thinking that that way it could be my summer holiday and
    He replied saying he and fiancee were 'very disappointed' that I 'don't want to come' to their wedding, they are only planning on doing it once and that I could always get the train (at the cost of about £200 and the same amount of time sat by myself.)
    I got this email a week ago and I haven't replied yet. The tone of if it very curt, only a few lines, and signed 'best' rather than 'love.' He's clearly very peed off and I'm really upset about it. Do I take this as a signal that it's time for our friendship to come to an end? I know he won't understand the financial issue as he is minted and he is quite jet-setty and enormous travel doesn't phase him at all. Or do I grit my teeth and do it as I really don't want to upset him?
     
  3. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    Unless you drive a petrol guzzler then will it really cost that much to go? You can probably pick up a travelogue or B&B for £20-30 and you don't need to buy anything to wear.
    I can understand him being peeved but also the financial side (I'm unemployed) but if 13 years of friendship isn't worth a bit of cash to go then what is?

    You could explain the cash flow angle but if you can afford a hol abroad (to see them) then it may fall a little flat.

    It's your desicion but I'd do your best to make amends and go. X
     

  4. A good friend would understand all these valid reasons!
    I would certainly not feel guilty
    Freya
     
  5. It's more that I'd rather spend the cash on actually spending time with him and enjoying myself than catching a short superficial chat with him and a weekend alone.
     
  6. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    From your point of view but some people put alot of emphasis on their wedding day and having their loved ones there. Forget email I think it'd be best to give them a call. Written words aren't always the best at coming across the way you want x
     
  7. kittylion

    kittylion Established commenter

    Yes I think he should be a bit more understanding - does he know your financial position?

    The bottom line is if you can't afford it, you can't go. The petrol and hotel etc, despite being good value etc, are still over and above what you would be spending normally - and I certainly would have nothing in my wardrobe suitable for a wedding (that still fits me anyway lol) - and that's before you even think of a present.

    If you really feel you can't afford it (and I know l would find it difficult) then I suggest you re-decline - telling him clearly that it isn't that you "don't want" to go, you are sorry if it was not made clear the difficulties you would have in going. Then on the day send a card and present and leave it to him.
     
  8. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    It's for this exact reason that our wedding was planned the way it was. We didn't want our friends and family spending money on expensive gifts and fretting over what to wear. We didn't want people having to drive miles, pay for hotels and then spend a fortune on a few glasses of wine at the expensive reception venue.
    So we booked in for Christmas eve, told no-one about it until the day before (except our parents and best-man/bridesmaids who were told a couple of weeks in advance). Sent out the invites via Facebook and by ringing our guest and told them strictly to buy no gifts and to come dressed in their Christmas party dresses or Christmas day outfits - no fancy wedding clobber, no flouncy bridesmaid dresses, no top hat and tails, no expensive cars to arrive in. We didn't have a reception, just a big party and buffet.
    We understood that doing it this way would mean that any friends living further away might not be able to come, but also that most friends would be 'home' for Christmas with their families by then anyway and so would be around to make it. We were astounded at how many people could attend by doing it this way; we hadn't planned on a big wedding, but the church was almost full, despite neither of us having massive families.
    I totally understand your reasons for not going. Some people really don't understand the financial strain their wedding (and associated gifts, hen do, stag do, engagement party, children's births, Christenings etc) place on their friends. This insane notion of going abroad for a long weekend and costing your friends hundreds of pounds....weddings at exclusive hotels/golf clubs at £8 per glass of wine...expensive taxis home for those who can't afford to stay in the hotel for the night....it's insanity.
    Keep it simple I say. Or be prepared to accept it gracefully when friends cannot afford to come.
     
  9. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    It sounds like you've talked yourself into absolutely not going (with the expectation that he'd be fine about it) and, once in that mindset, it's very difficult to get out of it!
    While I understand your reasons, I personally would make an effort to go the wedding of such a good friend. Presumably they're getting married over here, rather then their home country of Switzerland, to make it easier for the majority of guests to attend?
    Communicate your concerns to him and ask if there are any other single females going, with whom you could perhaps chum up and even share a room.
    Making it possible depends of course on how much you actually want to go ...
    FWIW, I can understand why the suggestion of going over on holiday instead of the wedding, wouldn't go down too well with him.
    Good luck [​IMG]
     
  10. Middlemarch

    Middlemarch Star commenter

    I can understand you feelings entirely. Going to the wedding on your own would be bad enough, but having to drive all that way and back, plus all the additional costs, make it look like something you really would not want to do. Add in the fact that you're back at work on Monday morning (and we'll assume that for some reason you've no planning or marking to do) and it looks like a no-brainer to me.
    Send them one of those 'BT messages that aren't a telegram these days' things, or smilar, in which you express fondest wishes, etc.
    If he still takes the huff - well, there you go, then. Good friends understand others' problems and don't use emotional blackmail.
     
  11. sparkleghirl

    sparkleghirl Star commenter

    When a good friend from university days got married at the other end of the country, I declined. I didn't drive, the cost of travel and accommodation plus the time involved seemed not worth it to be in a situation where I was unlikely to get more than 10 minutes of her time.

    I explained this to her and arranged instead to go for a weekend visit when we'd be able to spend time together.

    I realise that this isn't so easy if your friends live abroad, (though depending where you're going, flights can be cheaper than UK railfare) but I would have thought that a good friend would understand.
     
  12. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    ask him to sort out a webcast so you can watch it live.
     
  13. newposter

    newposter Occasional commenter

    If it's such a good friend, it should surely be a non-issue - of course you should attend the wedding surely? They almost always involve a hotel room and drinks etc, but that's grown up life.
    Getting married abroad is a different matter, but if they're getting married in the UK then I think you're not much of a friend for turning down a wedding invite to be honest.
     
  14. Thanks for all your replies. I have been thinking. I suppose that I think that getting married is a pretty 'LOOOOOK ATT MEEEEE' event for many people. I bend over backwards to accommodate friends and get narky when I'm expected to spend a fortune, drop everything and applaud the newly weds. You're right - if he was THAT good a friend I would do it. His attitude makes me think he's not that good a friend.
     
  15. drinewinker

    drinewinker New commenter

    I didn't go to my own cousin's wedding as it was nearly 300 miles away and couldn't afford to get there or pay for the hotel. They were very understanding about the situation. Maybe the tone of his email didn't come across as intended. I agree with a previous poster about giving him a call... good luck
     
  16. newposter

    newposter Occasional commenter

    Some weddings are, some weddings are. But perhaps someone else's 'big day' is not best looked at entirely from your slightly unreasonable point of view.
    I guess if the wedding forces the issue and you lose a friend, then as you say, it enables you to move on... Everyone has a clear out every now again.
     
  17. But it is his wedding and he wants you there.
    Sometimes friendships that count mean we do things we are not 100% keen on doing, but we do it because we care for the person.
    It is his day and he wants to share it with you.
    So spend the cash to get there - and you won't be alone. Why not ask beforehand who else from you time back then together as friends will be going along? Surely it wasn't just the two of you who hung around together?
     
  18. It is your attitude that makes me wonder who values friendship!
     
  19. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    No. He wants someone to spend money they haven't got and time they haven't got to make a vast trek on their own to watch him get married. To the OP - It's madness to spend more then you can afford. Send best wishes and thoughts and explain the situation and if he's any kind of friend he'll understand.
     
  20. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Surely the issue here is not how keen the OP is to go to the wedding but the expense that would be incurred that she cannot afford.
     

Share This Page